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I dislike my stepchild

(246 Posts)
Mybad90 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:48:58

I’m probably going to get a backlash for this but I need to get this off my chest! It’s not even that I dislike my stepson, I just don’t have time or care for him.. me and DP are engaged and he isn’t biological dad to my son but is known to him as daddy. We got together when my DS was 1. My DP is perfect, hes brilliant with my son.

He and his ex ‘planned’ to have their child when they was still in school and I guess this is where some of my resentment comes from, I feel like this was incredibly stupid to have a planned child whilst still in school. I resent having to give her money weekly when it leaves us short every week, especially as we clothe him, feed him and take him out when he is down every weekend Friday - Sunday.

My DP family treat my son differently, which wouldn’t bother me if they had always done this but to begin with they treated him as family. It’s not fair on my son to now be treating him differently.

My stepson is 4 years older than my DS and can be quite ‘sly’ and nasty to my DS. This makes me resent him even more. I of course don’t show favouritism when stepson is down and I treat them equally but deep down I have a bubbling rage when stepson does something to my son or says horrible things to him. I don’t really enjoy talking or spending any time with my stepson and actually have to grit my teeth the whole weekend. The day I know he’s coming down I’m moody and irritable and don’t even want to speak to my poor DP.

I HATE the fact that we are always having to play by my DP’s exes rules. Everything is always on her terms and I’m sick of it, I don’t want to give her any money and actually feel like we either give her money and she provides everything for him at our house or we don’t give her money and we provide everything when he is with us and of course my DP go half on school uniforms and school trips etc...

I know I’m a horrible person for only caring about my own child, especially with my DP caring so much for my son. I wish I’d never have gotten with some with a child. I know I have to end this relationship even though we love him so much but it’s not fair on my DP to be with one who doesn’t even like his child. I don’t know what I’m looking for here and it’s my first time posting but I’m just fed up

OP’s posts: |
wink1970 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:51:34

There's an awful lot of hate and resentment in your post.

You need to get professional help if you are to have any future with DP, or back out of the relationship now, and save everyone a lot of pain.

nibdedibble Mon 22-Jun-20 11:51:41

Run for the hills, OP. If nothing else, it's only going to get harder as your ds and your partner's ds get older so why not cut your losses now? I should add this would obviously be much much better for your partner's ds as well. Don't take on the role of stepmother if you don't even like the poor kid.

Ireolu Mon 22-Jun-20 11:54:07

Leave your partner if this is the depth of your dislike for his son. Unfair on everyone in the family. Please leave.

FlibbertyGiblets Mon 22-Jun-20 11:54:51

Oh dear. Yes you are right, the relationship should end. Curious about whether your son knows that your fiance is not actually his Daddy?

Nb it's not fair on the child for their father to be with someone who doesn't like them.

Pusheenparent Mon 22-Jun-20 11:55:12

You’re not just “giving her money” for clothes and food.
You’re paying maintenance to keep a roof over his head, to keep him warm, clean and fed.
I think you’re right when you say you need to end the relationship with your DP.
Even though you say you don’t show favouritism, your DSS will get a vibe from you when you feel that bubbling rage. Children aren’t daft.
Also, you can’t judge your DP and is ex on choices they made before he knew you.

billy1966 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:55:23

OP,

Get out now.

This is not the relationship for you.

It will never improve.

Move on.

nibdedibble Mon 22-Jun-20 11:58:06

OP if you carry on with this marriage, knowing how much you actively dislike this little boy, it would be an act of astonishing cruelty to the point of being quite sociopathic.

Are you feeling quite well? Do you normally have mental health support that's been a bit haphazard lately?

If this is your normal, and you go ahead, well it's not right.

DoesJeffKnow Mon 22-Jun-20 11:59:43

You should not be giving any money.

Your DP should be paying to raise his child. He was 50% responsible for creating his DS, that's how it works.

You're clearly not cut out to be a Step mother, do yourself and your DSS a favour and leave this relationship asap.

Lostmyshityear9 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:59:56

See, OP, women like you are the reason that children go unsupported financially by one of their parents in their thousands in this country. The reason so many live in poverty and struggle to have anywhere near a half decent future. And yet you expect your child to be treated like a king and to have all the benefits of someone else's father.

Give your head a wobble and just leave. Poor boy, having to have a relationship with someone who can't stand him. Imagine if that was your child.

Mybad90 Mon 22-Jun-20 12:00:33

My son is to young to understand about his biological dad, I do have conversations about this with him but he doesn’t quite understand just yet.

Yes I totally agree with everyone, I’m going to speak with my OH tonight and end the relationship with him. I don’t mean to resent him, I really have tried to like him but I just can’t. Stepson doesn’t know I dislike him because I of course fake it with him. I feel terrible that I could feel this way about a kid and I would hate it if my DP felt this way about my son..

Both me and my son would be better off away from this, I’m not setting my son up to have people who quite clearly aren’t fussed about him either.

Thanks for confirming what I need to do.

OP’s posts: |
DillyDilly Mon 22-Jun-20 12:00:34

Maybe your DP’s family are now treating your DS differently to your partner’s son because they can see you don’t like him. Or maybe you just don’t feel they are fawning enough over your DS and resent any interaction they have with your partner’s son.

I’d say your step-son, your partner and his family can see your true feelings - you’re right to leave the relationship, it’s not for you.

violetscone Mon 22-Jun-20 12:00:40

Children’s behaviour often reflects how they’re treated. YABVU.

MashedPotatoBrainz Mon 22-Jun-20 12:01:10

It doesn't sound like you dislike your partner's child. It sounds like you resent his very existence. Very worrying.

Mummytime1 Mon 22-Jun-20 12:02:23

You need to end the relationship it’s not fair on both children. One child has a women in his life who can’t stand him and resents his very existence (he never asked to be born and his parents planned for him which also is none of your business), then there is your son who thinks someone is his dad who is not? Does he not see his own dad? Your son could now potentially loose someone who he thought is his dad from his life completelysad very sad situation for both children but you need to end it.

Danni91 Mon 22-Jun-20 12:02:34

If your having him overnight 3 days a week I'm not sure you can paying that much money to her? It's practically 50/50 shared.

Regardless, your resentful bitter & slightly nasty and although you say you don't show it to him i can guarantee you just do, you just dont realise it, and I'll bet this meets somewhere to his family taking prefence to him over yours. He's probably going home feeling like shit every weekend!

What did you expect when you got with a man who already had a child?

You seem bothered about money more than anything so i assume you don't get anything from your child's dad? Could it be jealousy?

MashedPotatoBrainz Mon 22-Jun-20 12:02:59

Stepson doesn’t know I dislike him because I of course fake it with him.

I bet he does know. Kids are pretty astute about things like that.

Helterskelter15 Mon 22-Jun-20 12:03:13

You’re not a nice person OP. I feel very, very sorry for your son.

Mybad90 Mon 22-Jun-20 12:03:51

Lostmyshityear9

See, OP, women like you are the reason that children go unsupported financially by one of their parents in their thousands in this country. The reason so many live in poverty and struggle to have anywhere near a half decent future. And yet you expect your child to be treated like a king and to have all the benefits of someone else's father.

Give your head a wobble and just leave. Poor boy, having to have a relationship with someone who can't stand him. Imagine if that was your child.

I mean, we have the same bills to pay as his ex does.. we buy clothes and food, days out and everything a child would need on top of what he gives to her. We have to pay to keep a roof over our head also.

Also you’re point about children being financially abandoned, my son would also fall into this category as his father doesn’t pay and has never paid a single penny.

I really do understand why maintenance is a thing but it’s crippling us every week.

OP’s posts: |
Porcupineinwaiting Mon 22-Jun-20 12:04:32

I think ending the relationship is a good decision. Now you know being in a relationship with someone with a child is not for you, so you need not be in this position again.

Starbuggy Mon 22-Jun-20 12:05:48

THEY planned to have a child, yes it was stupid to do so while still at school but this was your DP’s decision not just his ex’s. And of course DP should pay maintenance for the child he created! If you can’t accept that then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has a child.

I’m sorry you’re so unhappy but I think if you can’t cope with his responsibilities to his son then ending the relationship is the right thing to do. Just think how you’d feel if DP felt that way about your son!

Wewearpinkonwednesdays Mon 22-Jun-20 12:06:39

For a start he should be paying maintenance unless he has his child 50% of the time, so to resent that is not a nice attitude to have.
You also can't resent someone for making a decision you knew they made when you met them. His son has always been there.
Why have his family started treating your child differently?
I can understand not liking a child, some children are annoying, you can't like them all, but I wonder if this child is picking up on your resentment of him. You don't seem too bothered about hiding it.
I think your resentment is actually because you wish you had your partner all to yourself and your child without his pesky first child getting I the way of your happy little family.
He accepted your child so mum so he calls him daddy, and you can't stand to be around his child. Not great is it?

Danni91 Mon 22-Jun-20 12:07:30

Don't you think it's ironic hes taken your son on full time 100% playing the dad role, paying for your child (which isn't biologically his) but you feel bitter he pays for his own actual child?
You can't show him the same respect and take his son happily for 50% of the time, when he took yours for 100%?

ittakes2 Mon 22-Jun-20 12:07:55

I think you need some professional help. Even if you left your partner you would need to deal with him because of your shared son - so you anger won’t go just by leaving him. Lots of adults make stupid decisions - I think teenagers making stupid decisions is expected. I think you are jealous as you feel your partner loved his ex so much at the time he planned a baby/life with her. But he was young - he obviously loves you. You might think you are treating both children equally but utlimately even a small child can tell if someone doesn’t like them.

IndecentFeminist Mon 22-Jun-20 12:08:47

Maybe his ex resents your partner having to contribute towards your child?

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