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Handhold please dd16 just told me something

(55 Posts)
lardass88 Fri 14-Feb-20 07:34:44

My dd16 has had anxiety for over a year now. She has had counselling which hasn't worked. When we seen the doctor he just suggested looking at things online which didn't help either. She is struggling with college , has just broken up with her boyfriend and says she's struggling to get out of bed in the mornings. This suggests to me she is depressed. Last night we were chatting as she admitted she felt down after hearing something about her ex. .. and I don't know why I asked but I asked her if she ever thought of harming herself. She was crying and after a while admitted she has been self harming for a while now.. even before the boyfriend. I am obviously devastated and just feel like somehow it's my fault ( I separated from her dad when she was one) and I just don't know how to help her. I'm going to take her back to the doctors today. I can't tell anyone in real life as I promised her I wouldn't. I'm just so so sad for her

00100001 Fri 14-Feb-20 07:38:06

You must tell someone.

Hey her to the GP

lardass88 Fri 14-Feb-20 07:38:57

I'm waiting for the doctors to open then I'll be ringing them. She's agreed to seeing a doctor

BuckingFrolics Fri 14-Feb-20 07:45:09

You've done great to be someone she talks to and trusts with her "secrets". Well done. You're doing the right thing going to the doctors.

8MinutesToSunrise Fri 14-Feb-20 07:47:37

You're doing brilliantly. Self harm is surprisingly common, especially in teenagers. It's great that you asked and that she felt able to tell you. Try and think about risk, (e.g. how is she harming herself, any risk of permanent damage, risk if infection etc.) Please dont write off talking therapies because she didn't find the first lot helpful. And try and be compassionate for yourself as well as her. You'll get through this.

fortyfifty Fri 14-Feb-20 07:50:32

Don't blame yourself. There are an awful lot of anxious, depressed teen girls in the UK and they will be from all variety of families. It's wonderful that you have the kind of relationship where she feels comfortable discussing these things with you.

lardass88 Fri 14-Feb-20 07:56:39

Thank you so much! To be honest I'm feeling like a failure as her brother who's now 21 went through a tough period of depression and counselling when he was around her age so I feel like I've fucked up again with her. I'm just shell shocked really as I never expected her to say. I didn't probe her or ask too many questions.. I dont know where or how she does it as she didn't want to tell me but I'm just thankful she could trust me enough to tell me. We do have a great relationship as since her brother moved away it's just been me and her. Like I said I just feel so so sad for her. She's kept this to herself for so long. I had no idea 😩

Flufferbum Fri 14-Feb-20 07:57:17

OP depression is depression. It’s a chemical imbalance and can start from nothing. You have not caused this, this is by no means your fault. It’s no ones fault at all, all you can do it help, support and love her!

Cyberworrier Fri 14-Feb-20 07:59:25

Please dont write off talking therapies because she didn't find the first lot helpful
This. There really are not only so many types of therapy or counsellor, they are not all equal or appropriate for each person.
Especially as a very young and vulnerable person, finding a therapist she feels comfortable with is so important. It’s really good she has opened up to you and agreed to go to the doctor. I imagine Mind may have additional information about mental health and young people.

BlimeyCalmDown Fri 14-Feb-20 08:00:56

Hope this helps;

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-self-harm/

Livebythecoast Fri 14-Feb-20 08:03:29

I'm sorry you're going through this.
It's great you have such a good relationship with your DD and so important she is being honest with you. I too have a DD16 and I'd like to think she would tell me something like this as we're close too.
It is not your fault at all and it's good she's agreed to go to the Doctors. I would imagine she feels relieved she's told you now as it's a big thing to keep to yourself at her age.
I hope things improve from here for you both flowers

Cyberworrier Fri 14-Feb-20 08:04:40

She's kept this to herself for so long. I had no idea
It must feel like very very painful, but I wanted to put into context how open your daughter is being with you. I know several adults (30s) who never told their parents about their mental health difficulties that started as teens, including self harm. I think your daughter opening up now is a very good reflection on your relationship.

Disfordarkchocolate Fri 14-Feb-20 08:06:31

I was a depressed teen. My parents didn't do this to me, it's just how I am.

It's really good she told you, I hope your GP can offer some support. Does her school have any support she could access?

lardass88 Fri 14-Feb-20 08:07:17

Thank you so much everyone. She told me late last night and so I've not really had time to process it.

snailgirl1 Fri 14-Feb-20 08:07:58

Your daughter has done a brave first step telling you. I went through the same with my teenage daughter. Sadly and horrifyingly, teenage self harm is so common. I have never felt so scared thinking every time she was in her bedroom with the door shut I was going to walk in and find that she had tried to kill herself. Go to the doctor and find one that is sympathetic. Try a different therapist. Unless your daughter is in real danger, the wait list for CAMHS is very long and they will only see you for a few weeks as the demand is so high. My daughter has found a therapist who encourages her sit on cushion and express herself by drawing.
Try to give her things to look forward to. We sat down and planned some things together like a comedy show and a holiday and it gave her reasons to go out of the house.
I would think about sharing this with someone if you can. Sadly almost every mum I know who has a teenager is going through some kind of struggle with them- and we have found comfort in being able to listen and support each other and realise we are all in struggles and do not have perfect children or families. My daughter is now 20 and sadly the saving grace for her has been to go on Sertraline anti depressants. They have changed her life. I say sadly as her symptoms seem to come back when she tries to come off them but she is really well at the moment and got a job and a boyfriend. So I try not to worry about the future and just support her where she is. Stay strong. Your strength is what you will need to get you through this.

lardass88 Fri 14-Feb-20 08:08:12

@Disfordarkchocolate she's at college. I will be talking to her tutor to see what they can do to help

sarahC40 Fri 14-Feb-20 08:12:55

Handhold from me - both my boys have done this after a bereavement - now they don’t. It’s a long walk with her that you have ahead but she’s told you and that’s the first step. Find a good gp; build a relationship with camsh and keep on asking for help. Thinking of your girl and you.

WelcometoCranford Fri 14-Feb-20 08:13:34

I would encourage your dd to tell her personal or year tutor at college too. They might be able to offer more support but they should know because of any impact on her work. It's difficult but the hardest part is over now (telling you). Now yiu can help to support her.

KellyHall Fri 14-Feb-20 08:15:32

Teenagers are extremely prone to depression, that's why both your children have experienced it.

There are a millions stresses on young people: hormones, high school, social media, exams, peer pressure, additional responsibility, relationships, periods, competitive sports, bad skin, no energy, the list could go on and on.

You're obviously such a good parent that she can open up to you and trust you at her most vulnerable. All you can do is continue in that way and love/support her.

GnomeDePlume Fri 14-Feb-20 08:18:21

@lardass88 I absolutely second what Flufferbum wrote. It is a chemical imbalance.

Do not feel a failure. Also your DD can get through this.

We went through similar when DD was 15. her self harm culminated in an overdose of paracetamol. At this point, when she was admitted to hospital, we found out she had been burning herself.

Her treatment was a mix of ADs and talking therapies. She says the talking therapies didnt work but I'm not sure. They arent a quick fix but they did give her coping strategies.

This is now some years ago. DD and I were talking recently. She feels now that the treatment helped her get through the darkest days and that eventually the imbalance in her brain settled down.

lardass88 Fri 14-Feb-20 08:30:15

I can't reply to everyone individually but this is really helping and I can't thank you all enough. My biggest fear is that she hurts herself to the extent she does some real damage. She mentioned to her tutor that she is struggling with the course work and he's suggested her having a extra study day at home. She hasn't told him about the self harm tho. I will be getting in contact with him to see what else they can do

coffeeeandtv Fri 14-Feb-20 08:33:43

Hand hold from me op, 💐💐and a cyber hug to you both. Over the years people have told me many nuggets of good information and one of which was that our personalities/belief systems slightly change in cycles depending on our experiences and the things we enjoy, the way we react one week may be completely different another, I think we mostly feel with depression is that we are letting someone or ourselves down whereas I now look on it like a message from our bodies to tell us that we need to be kinder and look after ourselves a bit more than we have been doing. I saw a play at the Edinburgh festival about leaving university and it resonated with me and after discussions with my children concerning their feelings after leaving school/college and how it compared with their expectation.... it didn't, reality was much much worse. Your daughter has experienced some massive life changing times, she needs time and to be kinder to herself All the other posts have given some fantastic advice, I totally agree with them all, anything that helps you and your daughter. You must be an amazing mum as your daughter knew she could come to you to talk.

lardass88 Fri 14-Feb-20 08:52:18

Drs appointment @ 11:30

MissusMacTiredy Fri 14-Feb-20 08:56:24

Hi OP
First of all, sending hugs. When my daughter shared with me that she was self harming I felt my world was spiralling.

The really good thing is that your daughter has trusted you enough to tell you. Look after that relationship as you are her anchor. Is there a close friend or family member you can talk to in confidence? You need support in order to support her.

You are doing absolutely the right thing by taking her to the GP. However, I would be cautious about going to speak to anyone at the college without her permission - this will be deeply personal to her and it might be that she is angry and hurt by your intervention. Try and take things at her pace so she has a sense of control over the situation. It may be that this week the GP is all she can manage.

I would strongly echo what others are saying about finding the right counsellor - don't give up on talking therapies.

Your daughter has taken the biggest step by telling you and you have given her the most affirming of reactions by letting her know that you love her and that you'll support her.

My daughter no longer self harms and can talk about it as being in the past. She is still receiving counselling but has not needed any medication. Things are SO much better.

Keep being the lovely mum that you already are x

Justaboy Fri 14-Feb-20 09:08:34

Saddened to hear this!. My DD2 selfharmed when she was that age as believe it or not all the other girls were doing it too in her class!!!!

As fate would have it she then saw what an idiot she was (her words) and never did it again!

Now a few years later the mum of two dear grandchildrensmile

But in your case the GP appointment is the right thing to do hope it all resolves itself!

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