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to judge my friend over this?

(214 Posts)
EmmaGrundyForPM Mon 20-Jan-20 19:13:54

I have a very good friend who I've known for years. She lives in a different city 50.miles away do I only see her a few times a year.

She is single but has been in a relationship with a married work colleague for some time. I don't judge as he's the cheat, not her. So I've never said anything negative about the situation.

However, she has just told me that recently she met all his family at once. I know she's met his wife a couple of times before at evening events. This time, apparently his wife's dad had a birthday and they all went out (him, wife, kids, wife's dad) for lunch at a restaurant which was very near friends flat. He then suggested they meet up with my friend after lunch , which they did.

I do feel that this crosses a line, and told my friend so. She was quite shocked and accused me of judging her. We had a bit of a falling out. But I felt she needed to hear that this was unacceptable. I just felt it was a slap in the face for his wife, even if she doesn't know about the affair.

So, AIBU and should I apologise?

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff Mon 20-Jan-20 19:17:48

W.T.F. how do people have a brass neck?!

I'd judge too band FWIW I would judge her for the affair too

keo8260 Mon 20-Jan-20 19:18:24

No you shouldn't apologize as you are entitled to your own opinion on the matter. You are correct that he is a cheat but she is very much in the wrong too in having an affair with him knowing he is married.

Cyllie33 Mon 20-Jan-20 19:19:25

I hope you told her, calmly, that yes you were judging her because you felt it was a really horrible thing to do. YANBU.

Bluntness100 Mon 20-Jan-20 19:19:38

So the wife thinks she's a friend? As do the family?

aroundtheworldyet Mon 20-Jan-20 19:19:47

Why do you need AIBU for this
Ask yourself that question

TwitcherOfCurtains Mon 20-Jan-20 19:21:12

Sounds like she finds it kinky, it turns her (and the husband) on to take the piss out of the wife.

I absolutely couldn't be friends with a person like that, to have an affair is awful in itself but to then take the piss like that? Nope, friend be gone!

iklboo Mon 20-Jan-20 19:22:34

She's just as bad as him. She knows he's married.

SisterAgatha Mon 20-Jan-20 19:24:27

I’m in the same situation with my friend so I hear you. It’s not on, poor wife. Well done for having the guts to tell her to her face, I say!

TheTrollFairy Mon 20-Jan-20 19:24:46

Who does this wife and family think this woman is that they need to randomly meet up with on a family occasion?

I would judge her, not as much as him as he is in the relationship but she is also carrying it on knowing there is a wife and kids.
Also, if he was to leave his wife (assuming this is being discussed because it usually is) does she honestly think he would stop having an affair?

WorraLiberty Mon 20-Jan-20 19:25:36

I wouldn't apologise. She sounds like a heartless bitch, as does he.

HugeAckmansWife Mon 20-Jan-20 19:26:34

That's absolutely awful. How dare she do that and then be upset with you? I absolutely think that the 'no judgement' idea has gone way too far to the point where we feel any action is above approach and can behave how we like because its 'our choice'. Bollocks to that. She is knowingly involving herself in the massive heartbreak and destruction of a family. Just because he is worse in no way takes any heat off her, there's plenty for both of them. Awful behaviour.

TheReluctantCountess Mon 20-Jan-20 19:27:00

How has she been introduced to family? How weird.

OutOntheTilez Mon 20-Jan-20 19:27:11

Yanbu. So glad you said something to her.

She's just as bad as he is.

PennyGold Mon 20-Jan-20 19:27:35

I'd judge her. I couldn't imagine knowing someone was being cheated on and not tell them (even if I didn't know them).

The husband is vile, but your friend is vile too. I couldn't be friends with someone like her, as it'd make question where she draws the line at acceptable/ unacceptable.

EmmaGrundyForPM Mon 20-Jan-20 19:27:46

Sounds like she finds it kinky, it turns her (and the husband) on to take the piss out of the wife.

@TwitcherOfCurtains I had never thought of that before but yes, I do wonder if that's the case. I don't think so as she's a lovely person but I do think he's possibly getting a kick out of it.

vincettenoir Mon 20-Jan-20 19:28:43

It seems like the husband initiated this and he is the real villain of the piece. But yes I would judge your friend for going along with it too and I don’t think you owe her an apology. YNBU.

PurpleDaisies Mon 20-Jan-20 19:28:50

I wouldn’t want to stay friends riff someone who could behave like that.

Bluebutterfly90 Mon 20-Jan-20 19:29:16

She's being disgusting, meeting her affair partner's family like that. She should feel judged because she's acting in a gross way.
Some things deserve judgement and that's certainly one of them. If she feels judged its probably because she knows what she is doing is wrong.

PolPotNoodle Mon 20-Jan-20 19:29:32

He may be the one that's cheating but she isn't exactly draped in gold. She's knowingly having an affair with a married man. I would have judged her from that point, and judged her even more for ingraciating herself with his wife and family. Do you really need friends that are so conniving?

EmmaGrundyForPM Mon 20-Jan-20 19:30:03

She's just as bad as he is.
I really don't think she is. She's single and hasn't broken any promises to anyone. Which is why I've never said anything negative before.

CherryPavlova Mon 20-Jan-20 19:30:05

Affairs are wrong and both hedonistic and cowardly. If you no longer love someone such you need to take a lover then you should leave them and then find a singleton. If you are the ‘other woman’ you are equally culpable. It’s amoral.

CakeandCustard28 Mon 20-Jan-20 19:30:07

That’s awful. Your friend is just as bad! Don’t apologise, she’s lucky you’ve not let the wife know!

MamboNumber1 Mon 20-Jan-20 19:30:38

They both sound like arseholes. No YADNBU.

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff Mon 20-Jan-20 19:30:45

How can she be a lovely person when she's shagging someone else's husband?!

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