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Lying awake feeling sad - what can I do?

(12 Posts)
Ridiculuspita Wed 15-Jan-20 01:31:10

I’m desperately sad not to have a daughter. So sad that I ache when I think about it so I block it out but very occasionally, like tonight, the feelings all come out and I lie awake desperate to change things that I have no control over. It becomes all consuming and unresolvable. It’s invading every part of my life and making me feel very low.

I might have another child, another is a possibility, but until I decide not to or I decide to go ahead and it’s born, presumably another boy, I will always have that glimmer of hope that one day maybe I might have a daughter. At the moment I’m dreading trying to have another because I won’t cope with the hope and then the disappointment and I’m not sure I can go through that rollercoaster again.

Everyone around me has daughters and I feel such a sense of loss that I don’t have mine, I can picture her and feel her. It’s like I’m going mad. I can’t talk to anyone in real life because to have the feelings I have would be considered ungrateful and spoilt because of all the people out there dealing with illness and infertility and all sorts of other problems. But I can’t help the feelings I have and I can’t make it go away.

I don’t know what to do.

INeedNewShoes Wed 15-Jan-20 01:36:20

I’d suggest counselling. You should be able to self refer via your GP surgery.

It sounds like a grieving process that you need to go through.

I know that I personally can’t get over an issue without being able to have an in depth chat about it.

Having another child really doesn’t seem like the answer here unless you would love and be grateful for another boy. Even if you did have a daughter the pressure for her to live up to the ideal you have been perfecting in your mind might prove unhealthy and disappointing.

Sadiee88 Wed 15-Jan-20 01:48:34

Agree with the above response. See your GP if you feel you can’t discuss it with friends/family. You don’t sound ungrateful at all, just very down.

Doyoumind Wed 15-Jan-20 01:48:52

I also think you need counselling to understand why this is so important to you.

Ridiculuspita Wed 15-Jan-20 13:39:42

I would love and be grateful for another boy. It just wouldn’t alleviate the sense of loss that I have in not having a girl. It’s hard to describe. I don’t see the two things as linked. Boys are great, I have them, I love them and I would love another but it wouldn’t fill the gap that I have through not having a daughter.

I love children and if the child I’m contemplating wasn’t our last child I wouldn’t mind if it was a boy or a girl, but i can only see it as my last chance to have a daughter.

I’m better in the mornings but as the day progresses the sadness just takes over and I can’t enjoy the kids I have, who are funny, kind, clever lovely kids, because of the feeling of something so important being missing.

DoTheNextRightThing Wed 15-Jan-20 13:43:29

This isn't as uncommon as you think. I've heard of other women going through similar. I think counselling is a good idea. I know how hard it can be to let go of something you've always wanted. Don't be too hard on yourself thanks

Ridiculuspita Wed 15-Jan-20 13:48:27

Perhaps. I’ve found a counselling place near where I work and left a message to try and get some counselling privately so I can go in a lunch break. Even if I do go for another child, I want to do so to get another human to love and raise rather than to have a daughter. Maybe counselling will help me with that.

Whynosnowyet Wed 15-Jan-20 13:50:51

What sort of relationship would you envisage with a dd that can't happen with a ds?
I have both and do similar things with both...
Shopping, cafes, heart to hearts, problem solve, share interests. Meals out, holidays.

Ridiculuspita Wed 15-Jan-20 14:22:52

I’m not sure, more in common perhaps as they get older. I would envisage a daughter being calmer, less boisterous.

I do all those things you’ve mentioned with my boys. Except shopping, we all hate shopping! We also do lots of reading. I’m not particularly girly and my boys aren’t completely stereotypical boys, they are just them.

It’s really hard to pinpoint what I think a daughter would mean that is different from a son but I do think it’s different and I see mothers with daughters and think they must have a special kind of bond.

confus Wed 15-Jan-20 14:34:27

I'm one of 3 girls and none of us speak to our mother!

Ridiculuspita Wed 15-Jan-20 16:53:42

That’s a shame @confus but I don’t think that’s a typical situation.

freelancedolly Wed 15-Jan-20 17:38:32

I have friends who have gone through similar, but also friends who due to difficult relationships with their mothers, were very worried about having a girl. I think counselling would be very helpful with this, I do hope you find someone you can confide in. It sounds as though you are idealising something in order to bring yourself anxiety and grief.

Every child brings its own unique relationship with each parent. Although I think your fears are rooted in some truth (it is often the case that girls maintain strong and highly bonded relationships with their mother that sees them through adulthood) they are also often highly conflicted and complex relationships that can be potent and go wrong. I have girls, and not boys, and right now am hugely anxious about this possibility and yearning for the simplicity my friends with boys experience most of the time in terms of their relationship.

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