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What's happened, is it assault, dd

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Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 08:27:48

I'm going to sound confused, I'm not sure what constitutes assault or abuse here. As ever with these threads I know the answer, but I need thoughts or ways to advise my dd 17.
Long and short, went on a trip to visit boyfriend, first time staying over.
Been together 5 months. I've met him a few times, had him here. Slept on sofa.
They went to bed, said night.
Her back to him.
He started rubbing himself against her bottom, she did not respond in any way.
It carried on for ten minutes, she said she kept praying he'd get the message.
They hadn't missed before this, in the bed, no prelude.
He just started doing it aggressively, holding her very tight around the body.
She was terrified and froze.
They were clothed.

This has just come out, I'm furious.
She got away to the bathroom, stayed there shaking for ten minutes.
Went back, went to sleep, had a nightmare and full panic attack.
Came home the next day, long journey.
She says she's been in torment as she didn't know or understand if it was assault, because she kept hoping he would stop.
I thought she'd only come home early because if the panic attack re the nightmare.
For 4 weeks she's held this in.
I realise I'm writing point by point, but believe me I'm reeling.
This boyfriend even spoke to me online asking how she is, re panic attack etc.
He's been to our fucking house been taken out, etc, lifts since this happened.
Subsequently DD hasn't been at work for 2 weeks. I didn't know the full story.
I just want to support her.
She's devastated

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 08:29:21

Hadn't kissed, so no build up, no caress or hugs.

Serenschintte Mon 02-Dec-19 08:32:11

Yes that’s assault. She needs your support to finish with him. I would also get her some counseling as well. Your poor DD and poor you.

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 08:33:30

Hi, she finished with him yesterday.
She's in counseling.

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 08:33:47

Thankyou x

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 08:51:58

I feel guilty for saying she could go, but I was happy she felt independent enough to do so.
I've blocked him, but the urge to message him is immense as I don't feel I've done my duty in not confronting him and telling him I know and what I think of him.
I'm so sorry this was her first experience iyswim.
She's not had an easy time of life anyway.
Fucking little bastard.

CherryPavlova Mon 02-Dec-19 08:53:46

More than counselling I think I’d arrange some assertiveness coaching.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 08:57:09

It wouldn't have even mattered if there'd have been kissing etc prior. She didn't respond so he should have taken the hint. She went and hid herself in the bathroom and he still didn't get it.

I hope she's ok x

AgentProvocateur Mon 02-Dec-19 08:58:40

Not excusing his behaviour, but presumably he’s not a mind reader. Why on earth didn’t she say something instead of “praying he’d get the message”. I’m not sure this could be construed as assault.

Figgygal Mon 02-Dec-19 09:01:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notanurse2017 Mon 02-Dec-19 09:01:36

It's assault because there was no consent sought or given.

Really sorry your dd experienced this, Op.

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 09:03:09

I guess she thought by not responding he'd get the message. Feigning sleep, being tired.
She was frozen, said it was very agressive.

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 09:12:35

They have had a long distance relationship, seeing each other every few weeks.
I meant they hadn't kissed, cuddled into a kissing situation, no fondling directly before he just got hold of her and started.
I get that in bed you might try to instigate something.
My confusion of what to say to her about being in this situation was why I started the thread
She was inexperienced yes, but feels violated by the extent of the time and pressure he was physically putting on her body.
If after a minute or so he'd kissed her neck or spoken that he felt turned on then maybe she could have had more of an opportunity to assess or speak up.
He just assumed pummelling against her trapping her was consent because she didn't say otherwise.
This is the problem, the blur, the shock for her.

Clymene Mon 02-Dec-19 09:13:25

If you want to initiate sexual contact @Figgygal, you talk to them. You don't grip them hard from behind silently rubbing yourself against them.

FFS I can't believe anyone is justifying this.

OP there were some good links on another threads for sexual assault resources. I will post them here

I'm so sorry for you and your DD - what a horrible thing to happen

Clymene Mon 02-Dec-19 09:16:33

It says they're for rape but they support all victims of sexual assault:

How to let women know they dont have to report their rape to the police but can still get support from a specialist centre

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 09:23:10

Thanks Clymene

His response yesterday was that after she went back to sleep he cried knowing she'd end it.
She was too frightened whilst it was happening to say stop.

thenyoushallbegintoclimb Mon 02-Dec-19 09:25:13

I really feel for your DD and, of course, for you and I'm pretty sure if I was you I would be wanting to tear the little bastard limb from limb.
I'll start with saying there is no excuse for his behaviour.
I do wonder though what had been discussed between them with regards to when / if they were going to commence a sexual relationship? Once your DD decides what she wants to do with regards to this would you be able to spend some time talking to her with regards to consent, being clear etc?
Oh and he DID know what he'd done was wrong, he's probably panicking right now that your DD or you will contact the police

Clymene Mon 02-Dec-19 09:27:45

Freezing is very common in sexual assault so she shouldn't feel in any way responsible or guilty that she responded like that.

It really would be worth getting some specialist support as there are a lot of myths and misinformation about sexual assault which verge on victim blaming which won't be remotely helpful to your DD

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 09:28:42

I absolutely will talk with her about consent, she's an intelligent young woman probably inexperienced /naive, but didn't bank on this even happening in this way

Interestedwoman Mon 02-Dec-19 09:39:52

'His response yesterday was that after she went back to sleep he cried knowing she'd end it.'

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

'she's an intelligent young woman probably inexperienced /naive, but didn't bank on this even happening in this way
I don't think she's done anything naive. Sexual assault etc can happen to anyone unfortunately.

Best wishes to you both. xxxxx

Howtohelpdd Mon 02-Dec-19 09:46:58


Many thanks xx

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 09:57:29

If he knew she ended it he knew he was in the wrong didn't he! Hopefully it's lesson learnt for him too.

AlexaAmbidextra Mon 02-Dec-19 09:58:09

I will start by saying no woman should have to do anything sexual that she neither wants nor agrees to. However, you could help your daughter by informing her that it is unwise to sleep in the same bed as her ‘boyfriend’ as it is likely that he’ll want to instigate some sort of sexual activity. She needs to learn to keep herself safe. And before everyone jumps in, I’m not victim blaming, merely being logical.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 10:00:09

@AlexaAmbidextra seriously? You're advice is if you share a bed you should expect him to want sex?

That's definitely victim blaming...

I don't have sex with my DP every night and he manages to sleep next to me without aggressively rubbing himself against me.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 10:00:32


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