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MIL and paedophile

(258 Posts)
Uncertainaboutit Sat 09-Nov-19 11:21:08

Hello have namechanged and put in 30 days only to secure anonymity. I’m going to gloss over some details to keep it a bit vague but the jist of the story is here

MIL has been dating a man for just under a year. It has come to light recently that this man is a convicted paedophile having been found guilty of sexual assault by touching on a 12 year old (he was living with their mother) which he went to prison for 12 months 15 years ago. He is no longer on the sexual offenders registry but he told her anyway due to her family. She loves him and believes his story enough that she thinks he is innocent. I’m aware that she has likely been deluded or deceived into believing him. She wants to continue seeing him but he thinks they should break up as she has grandchildren.

Her family have told MIL that if she continues seeing him then family life as she knows it will change in that she wouldn’t have her grandchildren to stay ever, that all visits would be supervised with no overnight stays even if adults are there and he would be treated with at best suspicion and at worst revulsion. She accepts this, understands the position and is still keen to be with him. She argues that she so rarely sees her grandchildren (probably 4-5 times a year) that what she gains out of having a companion outweighs the lack of relationship with these children.

I guess I’m just looking for some outside thoughts. My initial thoughts are we can’t control her choices, and whilst we certainly aren’t overjoyed by the news, the extent to which we see her is so minimal that we feel we can control contact and keep our children safe. Are we being naive? Can we do this safely? I’m trying very hard not to minimise his crime but also feel like I can mitigate the risk...it’s not that we want to have a relationship with him, but that we don’t want to lose our relationship with MiL

Uncertainaboutit Sat 09-Nov-19 11:23:51

I should say he told her about his criminal conviction very early on and it has recently come to light because MiL has shared it. There has been no unsupervised by parents access in the time that they have been dating of any of the grandchildren, and indeed he has been very rarely present at family gatherings

VaggieMight Sat 09-Nov-19 11:26:10

Presumably all visits would be supervised and the paedophile would not be present? The paedophile should not be around children supervised or not. MIL should also be supervised if she's willing to date a paedophile.

TheMustressMhor Sat 09-Nov-19 11:26:44

I'm really surprised that she has shared all this information with the wider family.

What does your DH think? It's his mother, after all.

If he is no longer on the Sex Offenders' Register, I wonder why he even told her?

Something doesn't add up here. I would be very wary of letting my DC visit a woman whose boundaries seemed to be skewed like this.

MrsMaiselsMuff Sat 09-Nov-19 11:27:30

I do believe that people can change, and have a right to move on with their lives. He committed an abhorrent crime but we can't write every person off for the rest of their lives. I also think you have a right to keep your children safe, so it's reasonable to not allow sleepovers.

Can I ask why you see her so rarely, are there issues there anyway?

TheMustressMhor Sat 09-Nov-19 11:27:43

It seems an odd conversation to have had.

Bigearringsbigsmile Sat 09-Nov-19 11:28:27

I would be very very worried about mil's reaction.
It would make me think that she could not be trusted to keep children safe because her judgement is so skewed.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 09-Nov-19 11:29:22

Your children must never be exposed to this man at all - not supervised, not in a crowded room, never and nowhere.

Protect them properly.

Confusedbeetle Sat 09-Nov-19 11:30:14

If this person went to prison it is serious. He is correct, the relationship cannot continue because she has grandchildren. Either that or her relationship with the children is seriously diminished. Harsh but true

Crystal87 Sat 09-Nov-19 11:30:40

MrsMaiselsMuff, whether he's moved on or not, he'll always have an attraction to children and always be a paedophile. I'd have nothing to do with her personally as it's not something I'd be able to understand or accept.

TheMustressMhor Sat 09-Nov-19 11:30:43

She loves him and believes his story enough that she thinks he is innocent

Does she? Does she really believe him, rather than the criminal justice system which sent him to prison for a year?

I would be wary about letting her have any access/visits with DC. It sounds like this man has persuaded her that he didn't commit the offence in the first place.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Sat 09-Nov-19 11:30:48

I do believe that people can change

People who are sexually attracted to children will always be sexually attracted to children.

MLMsuperfan Sat 09-Nov-19 11:31:20

Can MIL visit you, alone?

VaggieMight Sat 09-Nov-19 11:31:55

By the sounds of it he's still denying it and claiming a 12 year old is making up. Sickening.

AndysFavouriteToy Sat 09-Nov-19 11:32:09

Well even supervised I wouldn't want him around my kids as I couldn't bear being around him and wondering if he is perving over my children. In all honesty I would tell MIL the decision is hers but I wouldn't trust someone who knowingly dates a peadophile and would not want them around me or my family and therefore would be stopping all contact. He went to prison, his crime was obviously severe for that punishment.

Uncertainaboutit Sat 09-Nov-19 11:32:34

No no issues, just how life works really. As now that she has found retirement (and divorce from DH father, which is a whole ‘nother thread but the crux of that is she was emotionally and financially abused for years which is why her decision to “stay happy” has not come as a complete shock). Her children are all busy with work and life and their own friends/hobbies so a visit every other month or so for a weekend seems to satisfy.

DH thinks its her choice to continue seeing him and that the easy thing would be for them to break up, but that if they continue to be a couple we would visit but never stay and he would never be welcome to stay at our home.

I too wonder why he told her but he did and now we know so..

TheMustressMhor Sat 09-Nov-19 11:33:38

VaggieMight is right. This man is denying that the offence took place and is telling MIL that he is innocent.

And she believes him. That's bad, OP.

thethoughtfox Sat 09-Nov-19 11:34:35

Children are abused when in rooms full of people who don't notice. It happens all the time. He may also be masturbating over pictures of family children and swapping them with other peodophiles. I also suspect his crimes are worse than that. He may have admitted to a lesser crime. Besides, how many peodophiles only commit one crime ever and get caught and then stop? There will be a trail of broken, destroyed childhoods behind this man. Your mother has been showed to have terrible judgement. I wouldn't allow her around my children now either.

TheMustressMhor Sat 09-Nov-19 11:35:18

You wonder why he told her, OP? Probably because she (or one of you) would have found out anyway.

Have you googled his name?

HollowTalk Sat 09-Nov-19 11:35:22

If he got 12 months in prison, you might find his offence was more serious than he's admitted.

Can you ask at the police station? Sarah's Law allows you to do that.

gamerchick Sat 09-Nov-19 11:36:11

I do believe that people can change, and have a right to move on with their lives. He committed an abhorrent crime but we can't write every person off for the rest of their lives

It's a sexual orientation though isn't it? It'll always be there like with all of us and ours.

Unfortunately OP it seems she's made her choices. All you can do is protect your kids and let her get on with it.

TheMustressMhor Sat 09-Nov-19 11:36:25

He has also told her that he only touched the 12 year-old girl.

Yeah, right.

gamerchick Sat 09-Nov-19 11:37:07

Plus, I don't actually think you're taken off the register. Maybe make an application to the police to find out the score?

VaggieMight Sat 09-Nov-19 11:37:18

It's a VERY unlucky person who gets caught and jailed for their first crime.

TheMustressMhor Sat 09-Nov-19 11:37:55

And if your MIL has already had an abusive relationship she may not be able to judge whether or not another partner (this one in fact) is suitable.

Tread warily for the sake of your DC.

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