AIBU - MIL bank accounts(128 Posts)
We live overseas atm with plans to return in the next couple of years.
Our three DDs have bank accounts in the UK. We’ve opened these on visits home and simply by default two have ended up being registered to my parents, one to MIL’s address.
When we visit, my parents give us the statements that arrive at their house to open, if any.
I’ve never seen statements for the other account (at MILs) but tbh I’ve never thought too much of it.
The accounts are used mostly by grandparents who add the odd amount at birthdays and Christmas. There’s been two small inheritances on either side too.
Last year were making an application that required documents placing us all at one address. So we changed the account registered at MILs to my parents.
We didn’t think to mention this to MIL, just a total non issue for us.
She found out yesterday by accident (putting some money into the account at her branch).
MIL has absolutely gone nuts about this! She is “horrified” that she “hasn’t had a statement since Jan” and cannot believe we have “gone behind her back” when she has “always managed the accounts” (this particularly baffles me as there is absolutely no “managing” involved). There were tears and huge anger.
I’m just at a loss to understand this. Why would she open the statements in the first place (apparently there is a file of them), why would it matter where they go, why would this cause such anger?
She's having a tantrum about nothing. Ignore.
Thank you. As you might have guessed she has form for this type of thing but it makes me lose my perspective. She makes me And my DH feel like terrible people quite often. I don’t think we are!
Is the amount of money that should be in there, there?
Is it a control thing? Like the other 2 accounts are registered at YOUR parents. she has one. And now that’s been taken off her??
Obviously, that’s nuts but i can see my MIL thinking in such a way!
She misses you and the children and has been relying on this "job" as her comfort and as a sign that she's valued.
Give her something else to do. She sounds unstable yes but it will be easier in the long run.
It's a tantrum about control and her over inflated sense of self importance. Ignore and distance yourself.
@billhadersnewwife I know she misses us, which is why I could kind of understand some upset here - but the “horror” (she keeps using that word in a series of ever more angry messages) feels like bullying
I'd be asking what gave her the right to open them in the first place. Ignore her tantrum. Cheeky bugger.
Ignore. She sounds crazy. I’d also be very angry with her for opening the statements and not showing them to you.
She opens DHs post that arrives at her house too, it annoys him but he ignores for a quiet life. I’d be raging!
She’s crazy. Ignore and say the paperwork addresses have to match and you didn’t know she was opening post not for her. Rinse and repeat.
Thanks everyone. I’m so relieved the general consensus is that I’m not BU! We try hard to make her feel loved, nice gifts, regular trips to see us (we pay everything) visiting her At home annually, regular skype calls etc. Her behaviour increasingly makes us hold her at arms length which she struggles to understand ... it’s tough
What a boundary stomping, manipulative drama queen.
Do not placate her as PP suggested; it just feeds the beast.
Make no apologies whatsoever about how you choose to manage your family's financial affairs.
Express your own ‘horror’ that she has been opening post not addressed to her. Let her know that it would never have occurred to you that she was doing this. Don’t let her off the hook for this, she is exaggerating her response so you over look the initial transgression, which is hers.
Speak plainly to her. Don’t be held to ransom by her temper tantrums!
Your MIL sounds absolutely bonkers. Don't let her make you feel bad, this is her issue.
And yeah I agree with PPs- the tantrum is a tactic to make you all scared of displeasing her. Very controlling. Ignore it.
'I'm sorry you feel that way, but that's the decision that makes sense to us.'
Oh- and read this:
Sadly there is a personality type that just operates this way. My FIL is the same. Mad tantrums over absolute nonsense. We're the worst, cruelest, most disrespectful people on earth because did something like giving him the wrong brand of chocolate as part of a Christmas gift. It's bloody exhausting until you learn to shrug and tune it out.
Easier said than done though, because in any normal relationship you'd comfort someone who was upset, apologise to someone you offended etc. but people like this exploit that and use tantrums (or just the threat of tantrums) to hold power over others, so you just have to have the confidence in your choices to say 'oh well, sorry you feel that way' and step back until they calm down. Otherwise you'll be forever at the mercy of their drama, and dancing to their tune. Exactly what they intended.
You could order catalogues for fetish gear (no personal judgment) to arrive at her house to compensate for lack of mail...
I think she has taken the fact that she doesn't get a statement as a lack of trust. But for you it was just a convenience thing due to the address. Then when this perceived lack of trust happens she's gone into crazy mode. Re the statements I'd just tell her that it was a convenience thing, nothing more and let her get on with it.
Longer term - be careful where you live when you return to the UK! I'd not want to be too close to her she sounds way over the top and controlling.
My mother tantrums about the most ridiculous things too. She doesn’t know how to do any differently she is a child inside. You just have to put strong boundaries up. She goes off on one and then when I get cross and it’s twisted into me shouting at her. 🙄 I’m getting better at telling her I can’t listen to it anymore and walking away / shushing her. I’m disabled so leaving the scene isn’t always possible.
I agree with sending a simple text similar to or as above I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s the decision that makes sense to us. No need to explain. Don’t right fight about how she takes the post. You know she does. She knows she does and in her head she has justified doing so. No amount of fighting will get her to submit to the truth that what she is doing is wrong - illegal even.
Going against the grain, but I think it's very inconsiderate not to even mention it to her before changing the address. From her point of view it'll feel like you don't trust her. She's been putting money in and you couldn't even be bothered to tell her your changing the address? I'm not surprised she's upset with you. You'll take her money but can't be arsed to communicate with her
Time and time again on here the MIL gets away with things because the DH wants a 'quiet life'. But, quiet life for whom? It certainly isn't a quiet life for either of you at this point, and you have to walk on eggshells. Fact is she should never have been answering your DH's mail, and he is a fool for letting her do it, hence letting her get away with it and hence allowing her to get away with more and more. Did you both even ask her to 'manage' the accounts, or did she take it upon herself? If you didn't, then she has nothing to manage and no reason to open the mail. It is none of her business. You have a DH problem. Your DH needs to put her in her place, once and for all. Even saying to her that he could have her charged for opening his mail/his childrens' mail. She has no right to have a tantrum when it is not her account and not her mail and she is the one in the wrong for opening mail that isn't hers. A 'quiet life' equals give an inch, they'll take a mile. It means a life of internal resentment, anger, and walking on eggshells. I saw a great meme on Facebook recently, and it is so true for many posts on here:
^"If you avoid conflict to keep the peace,
you start a war inside yourself."^
Keeping quiet causes far far more problems in the long run. Because you are running away from the issues and they just build up. Your DH needs to man up and confront her over this. If ground rules aren't laid early, you set yourself up for a lifetime of MIL conflict because she has never been told she is wrong.
Also I would minimise any involvement she has with accounts, documents, mail and particulars like that. She sounds like the last person you should have your mail directed to.
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