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If a man told you this?

(30 Posts)
GoodBoyGhost Thu 10-Oct-19 10:47:33

So I'll start out by saying it's not about me, I'm happily married.

But if a man you had been seeing for a matter of weeks/months told you he'd assaulted a previous partner, on more than one occasion (but he was never arrested), but he'd been in counselling and had changed, would you be open to continuing to see him?

Doyoumind Thu 10-Oct-19 10:48:22


pinkyredrose Thu 10-Oct-19 10:48:37

Hell no!

Sirzy Thu 10-Oct-19 10:48:50

No way.

HollowTalk Thu 10-Oct-19 10:49:04

No way. And I'd think his ex was too scared of him to report him, too.

AthollPlace Thu 10-Oct-19 10:50:04

No. And I’d be very nervous about dumping him in case he assaulted me.

GoodBoyGhost Thu 10-Oct-19 11:00:06

Thank you, I'm reassured by these answers!

HollowTalk Thu 10-Oct-19 12:15:03

It's interesting that he chose to mention this when presumably his girlfriend wouldn't have heard about it otherwise. He's warning her that he assaults his partner and he's testing her as to whether she stays.

GoodBoyGhost Thu 10-Oct-19 16:16:39

He seems to think the fact he told her is an indication that he has changed. I disagree.

KellyMarieTunstall2 Thu 10-Oct-19 16:20:29


GrumpiestCat Thu 10-Oct-19 16:21:25

Hard pass! No.

vampirethriller Thu 10-Oct-19 16:23:49


shiningstar2 Thu 10-Oct-19 16:26:08

Absolutely not. I would feel he is testing her and if she stays he thinks he has been given the green light regarding any future abuse. I think that at some stage in the future he will be abusive then tell her 'well you were warned what I was like' thus gas lighting her into believing its her own fault.

Gingernaut Thu 10-Oct-19 16:26:45

Nope. With a side order of No and for dessert I'd like a Fuck That.

Crystal87 Thu 10-Oct-19 17:39:00

No chance. So many men out there, why would you settle for this?

PurpleDaisies Thu 10-Oct-19 17:40:05


Why would he even bring it up? confused

timshelthechoice Thu 10-Oct-19 17:40:56


TheVanguardSix Thu 10-Oct-19 17:45:26

No no and no.
If anything, I have found, in my own historical case and in the cases of others, that the ones who talk about being reformed are the least reformed of all! They tend to enjoy bringing up the issue and in my own opinion, they sort of get off on the sympathy they evoke, the tenderness they get from an unwitting (new) partner, and they indulge in the drama of the details. Pretty soon, the excuse for eventually showing this behaviour to the new partner will be "you know my past. You know I am struggling. But I am trying." And so the needle gets stuck in the groove again and another woman gets guilt-tripped into staying in an abusive relationship, believing he is going to change.

I'd love to be able to say Bravo! Hats off to the man who is courageous enough to talk about his demons. But in this case, I am too cynical. I've seen this film before.

DeRigueurMortis Thu 10-Oct-19 17:47:24

Not a snowballs chance in hell.

Personally, I think people who can wilfully and repeatedly inflict pain on the person they are supposed to love, do so because of a flaw in their character/personality that means they get pleasure from control, domination and agression.

What you describe is not someone lashing out on a single occasion, totally out of character due to outside factors and is utterly remorseful /devastated by their actions (note: I'm not saying this is remotely acceptable, but I think it is different to someone who has repeatedly assaulted a partner).

I don't believe there is any therapy in the world that strips a repeat abuser of this innate desire.

I simply think it makes them change their strategy; for example moving from physical violence to emotional and financial abuse and they only do so to protect themselves, not those around them.

managedmis Thu 10-Oct-19 17:48:36


MaryLane93 Thu 10-Oct-19 17:49:55

Nope nope and even more nope

AndysFavouriteToy Thu 10-Oct-19 17:49:59

Absolutely not. He is checking her boundaries, tell her to RUN!

Kyvia Thu 10-Oct-19 17:53:35

Nope, don’t care if he has ‘changed’ or not, there’s plenty of men out there who don’t need counselling in order to not repeatedly assault their partners.

Transpeaked Thu 10-Oct-19 17:54:07


AdaColeman Thu 10-Oct-19 17:55:27

He's warning her what will happen to her if she steps out of line.
When they tell you what they are, you should listen!

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