Advanced search

Another MIL drama here

(134 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Ohmygot Wed 09-Oct-19 19:29:27

Another MIL drama here. I don’t get on well with her. She lives 3 hours away and I don’t always see her. She visits sometimes which is ok as I like my children to see her and spend sometimes with her. My husband go and visit her and usually take our older DC with him. I only go to hers Xmas times if she is not coming to ours. I try my best to be nice to her but also keep my distance.

So let’s talk about the recent issue between me and her.
My FIL sadly past away few years ago and we are going to gather his ashes to another country (It was his wishes to gather his ashes in that county. His actual funeral held soon after he past away) MIL wants to have a week holiday all together before the ashes and she found an amazing holiday resort ( lots of swimming pools, water slides, lots of fun for kids) and want to hire two bungalows inside that holiday resort. One of them for her older son’s and his family to stay and other one for us.She also said she will pay all of the families expenses (plane+accommodation) that’s very kind of her. My problem is she said she will stay with us. I said I dont think it’s a good idea to stay together as we should avoid any possible stress between us just before the ashes. I also said I understand that it’s expensive to get another(3rd)bungalow just for herself but we should find another solution. And she got upset. And I feel so stressed about it all. She made all of those plans and expecting me to agree with all.
I talked to my husband and we are talking about either we should pay our own accommodation ( which we probably can’t afford as it’s very expensive) or me and our younger DC join for ashes only. I don’t even know if I want to go there for holiday. I haven’t even asked one single question like
- I am thinking It would be nice to go on holiday to that place before ashes what do you think?
- shall we stay for a week?
- can I stay with you?
I haven’t asked any of those above questions. We of course all going to join for ashes but wouldn’t be nice for her to check with me if all ok. She tried to talk to me while her last visit but it was all about to show me where we are going to stay/ how long and she is thinking stay with us.
AIBU to not want to stay with her for a week?

Apolloanddaphne Wed 09-Oct-19 19:34:24

She is offering to pay for you and your family to go away and you are cross that she wants to share your apartment? What an entitled opinion. Just don't go if you feel that way about it and let your DH and your DC enjoy a holiday together.

Zebraaa Wed 09-Oct-19 19:37:06

Agree with @apolloanddaphne

Very ungrateful.

GreenTulips Wed 09-Oct-19 19:40:17

I’d be happy to share. But set some ground rules, so you have some time apart, some times together.

If you can’t afford the trip and she’s kindly paying it isn’t much of an effort is it?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes Wed 09-Oct-19 19:40:20

Mmmm I think this seems unfair on your MIL. Realistically won’t you all be together or in your smaller groups.

hammeringinmyhead Wed 09-Oct-19 19:40:20

Does she get on with her other DiL? If so why can't she stay with them?

hammeringinmyhead Wed 09-Oct-19 19:41:03

I'm not saying she should, or that you are right, just wondering.

99BehaviourProblems Wed 09-Oct-19 19:41:41

I think for one week you could suck it up and just go for the sake of your late FIL, DH and the DCs - her offer is very very generous and unless there is something incredibly serious going on then I don’t think one week is really that bad with someone you don’t get along with.

Jollitwiglet Wed 09-Oct-19 19:42:57

So the free holiday would be great as long as she doesn't actually stay with you?

OneForMeToo Wed 09-Oct-19 19:43:01

Honestly I wouldn’t share with my mum or mil. It’s not a treat if you won’t enjoy it. It’s a duty or obligation under the lie of a treat.

Your willing to go for only the ashes if she wants to treat then it needs to be a genuine treat.

Stayawayfromitsmouth Wed 09-Oct-19 19:44:03

Tbh you sound like hard work. This is not about you it's about your dh, Mil and family to say goodbye to his father.

Teachermaths Wed 09-Oct-19 19:44:08

Wow she's paying for everything and you still can't accept her staying in the same place as you.

What can she possibly have done so wrong?

Zebraaa Wed 09-Oct-19 19:44:57

You wouldn’t do it for your kids or husband? One week to make them happy?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 09-Oct-19 19:46:11


You are making it into the drama, not your poor mil who would probably like the company of her son and his family at a sad emotional time for her.

Notthetoothfairy Wed 09-Oct-19 19:47:08

Going against the grain but I wouldn’t want this either (prison is also free of charge but it doesn’t mean it is enjoyable). Why can’t she stay with her other son and family in the other apartment?

DeathStare Wed 09-Oct-19 19:48:17

Am i understanding this correctly?

Your MIL is offering to pay for a holiday for all your family so that together you can scatter your FIL's ashes. She has deliberately picked a resort she feels the DC may enjoy.

And you are pissed off firstly that you will need to share the bungalow she is paying for with her? And secondly that she did not ask your permission to share the bungalow that she will pay for with you?

Have I really got that right?

If I have then you need to sort yourself out. Unless there is going to be a massive drip-feed that she is actually incredibly abusive, then you need to realise that she this isn't an occasion that is about you.

PotteringAlong Wed 09-Oct-19 19:49:00

Bloody hell you are being completely ridiculous!

OneForMeToo Wed 09-Oct-19 19:49:03

They could go without me. I understand my dh wouldn’t share with my parents and wouldn’t force him too, just as he wouldn’t force me to with them. It’s about sharing the accommodation which means no escape no down time.

I will holiday with family but our own rooms in a hotel, our own tents, our own caravans, own cottage. Small spaces and too much family for too long leads to terrible arguments or at least resentment which will not lead to good scattering.

FilamentBabe Wed 09-Oct-19 19:50:08

I think given the circumstances that you should let her stay with you. Shes lost her husband, the trip is essentially to honor him, and shes paying all the expenses. This isn't really about you and its only a week, surely you can get along with her for a week?! I think your personal feelings about her is clouding your judgement a little.

Spied Wed 09-Oct-19 19:51:48

The woman is scattering her dh's ashes.
She wants to be surrounded by her family and is paying for the privilege.
Have a heart.

Durgasarrow Wed 09-Oct-19 19:52:10

If it is an expensive place then of course it is practical to share accommodations; I can understand why she's upset. Your proposal is insulting, especially if you are expecting her to fund a more expensive solution beyond her already generous offer.

Bucatini Wed 09-Oct-19 19:53:38

OP, we can't know what your relationship is like, but on the face of it this does sound like she is being very generous and the least you could do would be to 'smile and nod' for a week. Would that really be so bad? What does your DH think?

PinkCrayon Wed 09-Oct-19 19:54:58

Sorry but I think yabu here. She is paying for the holiday which is really kind of her. If I was your dh I wouldnt be happy that you would expect my mum to pay for a holiday and stay on her own in a bungalow. Its only a week.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 09-Oct-19 19:55:01

She's there to scatter her husband's ashes and you expect her to rattle about in a bungalow on her own afterwards? After she pays for the whole trip. Wow, have you got a heart in your chest or a swinging brick?

namechange4052 Wed 09-Oct-19 19:55:31

Your poor MIL. So she's good enough to fund a family friendly holiday but not good enough to associate with whilst there. Never mind the fact that she will be scattering her husbands ashes and might want to be around her family.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »