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To think my husband is being selfish and unreasonable?

(126 Posts)
Wimbledon1983 Wed 09-Oct-19 10:51:28

DH had a 16 month period of unemployment when we first met. I supported him through it. He got a job but then was made redundant as his company was restructured just after we got married.

Since then he has been trying to start up a business but it’s quite ambitious and I don’t think he has worked enough on it. He hasn’t been looking for jobs. I’m now 3 months pregnant and working hard in a stressful job and he doesn’t seem to have stepped up.

If I raise it with him he gets very defensive and says I am being nasty. But I am getting so resentful I wake up at 5 am everyday feeling so angry. I will make just enough when baby is born to support us all if he stays at home but I am now so distraught he’s not pulling equal weight and worried these problems will just get worse. AIBU?

Wimbledon1983 Wed 09-Oct-19 10:56:24

Update- after saying yesterday more strongly that I ever have that I don’t find this acceptable he is acting like he completely hates me. Greeted me with ‘fuck off’ this morning. It’s such a mess and I don’t know what to do

ThreeLittleDots Wed 09-Oct-19 10:56:29

YANBU. Defensiveness and insults when you want him to pull his weight isn't acceptable, and neither is him putting you under all this stress during pregnancy.

Why should you leave your baby with the cocklodger whilst you're forced to earn for the lot of you?

Not surprised you're angry.

ThreeLittleDots Wed 09-Oct-19 10:57:28

Ok, so "fuck off" is abuse. Divorce him.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 09-Oct-19 10:57:36

Leave him now, before the baby arrives. You'll be so much better off alone.

Whatsnewpussyhat Wed 09-Oct-19 10:57:44

Why on earth did you support someone you barely knew for so long?

He sounds like he saw you coming and has no intention of ever actually working. Fuck starting a business, he needs to get a paid job asap.

SandyY2K Wed 09-Oct-19 10:58:15

YANBU.

I found long term unemployment and lack of effort very unattractive.

It's just putting a lot of pressure on you, which you don't need.

Weenurse Wed 09-Oct-19 10:58:38

Ask him how you are going to pay the bills once you stop working

Aquamarine1029 Wed 09-Oct-19 10:58:43

Greeted me with ‘fuck off’ this morning.

This alone would mean marriage over for me.

Hont1986 Wed 09-Oct-19 11:01:38

YABU. How would you like it if you had been made redundant, were looking for work and trying to start up a business, and all your partner does is nag you for not working hard enough at it.

If the genders were switched you'd be telling her to leave him.

Wimbledon1983 Wed 09-Oct-19 11:02:23

I’m just so scared. This is our first child and I am so angry at myself for letting it go for so long. He does put in effort, it just hasn’t shown results - and has been very supportive in other ways whilst I’ve been pg.

Whatsnewpussyhat Wed 09-Oct-19 11:02:55

Do you own the house? Is it rented?
Tell him he can leave.

Wimbledon1983 Wed 09-Oct-19 11:03:53

Thanks Hont- this is the problem, I can see it from both angles. But it’s been going on for so long and there doesn’t seem to be the urgency I would have. If it were me I’d do the business and temp to earn money...

ThreeLittleDots Wed 09-Oct-19 11:05:54

His selfishness means that he's put you in this position and his abusive attitude shows you that he doesn't see the marriage, or you, as equal.

Honestly, it's best to get him out now before it gets worse.

SellmeyourMLMcrap Wed 09-Oct-19 11:07:29

OP, he was unemployed for 16 months. Take a step back and think about that. No one is unemployed for that long if they want to work. He was taking you for a mug then and he's taking you for a mug now.

Also his mask seems to have slipped now that he has you "trapped" with child. Telling you to fuck off is not on, not when you're pregnant with his child, not when you're out supporting you both financially, not ever.

Time for a serious evaluation. I'm not here to tell you what to do but you must know that despite whatever it is that keeps you together that he's a lazy pillock. Add abusive and he doesn't exactly sound like great father or husband material does he?

Countrylifeornot Wed 09-Oct-19 11:10:14

He's a cocklodger and I'm furious on your behalf!

Idontwanttotalk Wed 09-Oct-19 11:10:28

Should you not have a avoided getting pregnant while he is unemployed and getting nowhere in his job search?

Ponoka7 Wed 09-Oct-19 11:10:44

So if you challenge him and tell him what you need from him, he becomes abusive?

How has he been supportive in other ways? Do you mean he's done what he was supposed to?

You're going to be posting a lot once the baby is here.

How well do you actually know him and his values?

When you were supporting him was he running the house?

How realistic is this business?

Would any job compare to it in terms of what it brings in?

quincejamplease Wed 09-Oct-19 11:11:58

If the sexes were reversed yawn nobody would be calling it "nagging" for starters.

Op, greeting you with "fuck off" is in no way acceptable, no matter how much you try and see it from his side.

Ponoka7 Wed 09-Oct-19 11:14:15

Hont1986
"If the genders were switched you'd be telling her to leave him."

I've never seen a thread were a child free woman was told it was ok to sponge off her Spouse. Not when the spouse is waking up having panic attacks about how it's going to work.

It's not ok, ever, to greet your pregnant, worried partner with 'fuck off'.

ThreeLittleDots Wed 09-Oct-19 11:15:35

It looks like he's just been using you, I'm so sorry. Agree with a PP about the 'mask' slipping. He's shown you exactly who he is.

swingofthings Wed 09-Oct-19 11:16:59

He is clearly very stressed about the situation himself and feeling under pressure. He probably think that he just needs a few more months to make it work but that you giving him a hard time instead of supporting him is only making things worse.

Was the baby planned? If so why now? If not, the unexpected pregnancy is probably making him feel even more under pressure and it's possible that he resent you for falling pregnant in the first place.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Wed 09-Oct-19 11:18:21

I'd be inclined to insist he goes to the GP and access the NHS counseling services online or by phone.

Prolonged unemployment, redundancy and becoming a parent. All significant life events and stressors. To have all four happen fairly quickly is highly likely to have impacted his mental health.

The defensiveness and hostility, even the "fuck off" (which was a horrible thing to do) suggest he may be panicking and he's trying to do anything he can not to face things. Sounds as if he may be depressed.

Other posters may be right, that he's a user. But you loved him enough to marry him and have a baby so I think it's worth exploring the possibility that he's ill. Because if he is, he can get better.

My own DH behaved entirely out of character when he became depressed. He was horrible. But he ended up in a psychiatric unit for a week and I got my DH back. Looking back he'd also experienced several major life events in the previous year or two.

Sashkin Wed 09-Oct-19 11:18:47

OP, if he stays home after your baby is born, he will never work again. Not even when your children are in secondary school, he’ll be unemployable by then. And if you divorce, the child will stay with their “primary carer” (him) while you pay him maintenance.

Is that how you envisaged motherhood? I personally would not want to be forced into the position of secondary parent against my will, and would leave him now before the precedent is set (and yes I would say that if the sexes were reversed - DH and I split finances and childcare 50/50 as far as possible - obviously sometimes I do more or he does more, but we’re essentially equal).

Prawnofthepatriarchy Wed 09-Oct-19 11:19:42

Prolonged unemployment, redundancy, a wedding and becoming a parent.

Sorry, left the wedding bit out.

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