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My sister is having an affair

(15 Posts)
Ghirlb Thu 13-Jun-19 10:47:00

Hi I need some advice regarding my sister.
She has been with her fiance since she was 17. She is now 38 with a 15 yr old daughter. Her fiance is part of the family and we love him dearly. He has supported me through some really rough times and has forgiven me for things I never thought he would. Anyway just recently he found out she was texting someone at work. He has forgiven it as she said it was harmless flirting and that she loves him and it won't happen again, however, she has since been caught messaging him again. He has also let this go as she has assured him that she was just drunk and being stupid. Thing is I know that alot more is going on. I know she has been intimate with this guy and I also know she has alot of feelings for him aswell. First of all.. my loyalties lie with my sister and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise that however I also have loyalties to my niece who absolutely loves her dad and rightly so as he is a wonderful supportive loving father. I'm scared for my sister because I know she has more feelings for this other guy than he has for her but she just can't see it. I've explained to her that I want no part in this but I struggle with it because im the person she confides in but it is killing me inside. I dream about her fiance coming to me crying and the guilt sits with me most of the time just for knowing. There is a family get together soon and I am dreading being in his company knowing what I know. What would you do in this situation? I've tried to tell my sister that this will not end well. I've told her she will end up hurt as she makes all the first moves with this other guy but she can't see the wood for the trees 😢

Kez200 Thu 13-Jun-19 10:54:30

I once had a similar situation. Although not so close as your sister.

I told them I knew, and how I knew. I said I would tell them in a month if they didnt.

The person in this case took a week off of work (with the other person) and they decided to make a go of their relationship. They did the telling. Theyve now been married for years.

Worried34 Thu 13-Jun-19 11:02:05

Thankyou for your reply. I don't think I could threaten my sister like that though. I love her . She is a part of me. I have Said it to her that I'm going to tell the other man's wife but deep down I know i couldn't do it. My sister is a good person and has never cheated before. She seems to have this other guy on a pedestal. Idk do I just bury my head in my hands and stay out of it, my gut is telling me to follow this route. My heart is telling me otherwise

TrueFriendsStabYouInTheFront Thu 13-Jun-19 11:22:25

She's been unfair to put you in this position, essentially offloading her guilty burden on to you!

You only have 2 choices, neither are good for you unfortunately, so you may as well do some good for someone else.

You can either sit with it eating away at you, seeing her fiancé and basically acting the whole time with this in the back of your head. Or you tell the poor guy and put him out of his misery. In the long run you will be doing your sister a favour too although I'm sure there will be fall out initially.

Fuck family loyalty. Why is that the case when a particular family member is being a complete scumbag?! They surely lose that right when they go against what is right and good, and the morals that you were brought up with.

Anyway you said yourself that he is basically family, which he is. So where is the loyalty to him, a man who has done absolutely nothing wrong and doesn't deserve this and the father of your lovely niece who quite rightly adores him?

Al203 Thu 13-Jun-19 11:28:11

Blood or Principles?

There is no wrong answer. Just what sits best with you.

Kez200 Thu 13-Jun-19 11:51:43

I didnt see it as a threat! Thought I was doing them a favour giving them the opportunity to do what they should have done anyway. I think they knew that too and it gave them time to do it the way they wanted.

Ive no idea how I would have told the other side. Im pleased I didn't have to. Its a lose lose situation really. She needs to man up. Its not a joke.

YouWhoNeverArrived Thu 13-Jun-19 11:52:58

If they've been together for 21 years and are still only engaged, rather than married, is their relationship that good?!

PlinkPlink Thu 13-Jun-19 11:58:38

Your sister potentially has a harsh lesson in front of her.

You've already done what you can. You can't force her to tell the truth. You can reiterate how awful this is, how much it is going to hurt your niece and your BIL. You can absolutely get angry at her and say "You are being a selfish and irresponsible fuckwit" (you may not feel comfortable saying that to your sis but I would 😂)

She, ultimately, has the choice to listen or not.

If she ignores you, she will learn the hard way and it will be hard for all involved.
She might actually be quite unhappy in her relationship but she needs to do the right thing and end it rather than sneak around and cheat.

But you can still be there for her. You sound like you're very close and whilst you don't condone her actions, you can certainly still be there for her and your niece when it all goes tits up.

That's what I'd do. Tell her your perspective. Be ready to support if it goes wrong. Be happy if she does the right thing.

Soola Thu 13-Jun-19 12:00:47

If you are that close then you can be the one that tells her straight. If you can’t then who can?

Tell her that she is behaving badly and that she must either finish with her partner and go off with the new lover or finish with the new lover and make an effort with her partner.

By having an affair and confusing in you is causing you upset and stress and she needs to do one of the above or you will have no choice but to tell her partner as it’s terribly unfair on him.

dottiedodah Thu 13-Jun-19 12:11:27

The problem here is you are too involved with your sisters marriage .Obviously you want to be fair to your BIL as well.There must be a problem for an affair to happen?!.The fact is its their relationship to sort out at the end of the day!.Take a step back, if you can talk to your sister again .Your BIL may suspect something but chooses not to confront it .Many marriages look ideal but all have their own problems Im afraid

Annasgirl Thu 13-Jun-19 12:15:29

They are not married - as someone else has spotted!!!

Mythreefavouritethings Thu 13-Jun-19 12:34:25

There must be a problem for an affair to happen? Well yes, the affair IS the problem. Would we let a man off this way? Agree with others, you need your own boundaries as it isn’t fair on you. You can’t control her poor choices, but she can’t expect to offload onto you. As to problems in the marriage, cheating is neither an excuse or an answer. If your sister is that unhappy, she needs to leave the marriage or take time to honestly consider what she wants as this is a temporary ‘fix’. Good luck OP.

Mythreefavouritethings Thu 13-Jun-19 12:34:51

Sorry, relationship NOT marriage! 🤦‍♀️

Worried34 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:37:01

Thankyou all for your replies. After careful consideration I think I am going to just let karma find it's way and be there when it all falls apart.. which it will. I think a big step back is in order. Thankyou all so much.

DinosaursWouldEatYou Thu 13-Jun-19 13:49:23

I'm sorry OP but I disagree with your final post. Why do you say your loyalties are with you're sister?

Your sister needs to end the affair or her engagement, and don't think when her fiance finds out (and he will) that he won't feel betrayed by you for keeping this hidden.

I'm sorry if I come across harsh but what you're sister is doing is horrible and heart breaking.

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