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**Trigger warning** taking a baby to a stillborn baby’s funeral

(155 Posts)
Joblow Fri 18-Jan-19 10:41:00

Trigger warning stillborn baby sad

This is such an upsetting subject, and I’m sorry if anyone is affected by it, I just wanted to ask for some advice.

My sister lost her 32 week gestation DS this week and the funeral is next Friday. It’s absolutely devastating news.

But I don’t know what to do about the funeral. I have a 3 month old son and I haven’t left him with anyone yet apart from my husband. I am formula feeding so I could leave him, I just don’t feel 100% comfortable yet.

I just feel in my gut it’s inappropriate to take a baby to the funeral of a baby. If it was an adult I would take my DS, but this just doesn’t feel right somehow?

The funeral is 45 minutes from where I live. My MIL is off on Fridays and would happily have him at my house for a few hours (they live half an hour from us, in opposite direction to funeral)

What shall I do? Leave him with PIL? Take him with us? Take him with us and DH wait in the car with him? Take MIL with us and she wait in the car with him?

I obviously can’t trouble my sister with this at this time, and I don’t get along with my parents to ask them. My PIL and DH say it would be fine to take him, but what is the general consensus on this? I am desperately trying not to upset my sister at this awful time. sad sad

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon Fri 18-Jan-19 10:42:48

Please don't take your dc to the funeral. Leave with mil and support your dsis.

StealthPolarBear Fri 18-Jan-19 10:43:03

I'd leave him with your DH tbh. Then you can fully be there for your sister and you're not worried about your baby.
I'm so sorry, how awful.

RangeRider Fri 18-Jan-19 10:43:04

Do anything but take the baby. That would be such a slap in the face.

Nesssie Fri 18-Jan-19 10:43:20

Don't take him. Leave him with your PIL as they are only 30 mins from you.
Even if your sister said it was fine, I wouldn't. You also need to be able to give your full attention to your sister on the day.

HollowTalk Fri 18-Jan-19 10:44:04

I really wouldn't take your baby to the funeral. It's going to be such a sad occasion and I know I'd find it much harder if another baby was there.

Perhaps ask your MIL to look after your baby while you go and give your sister support.

CalamityJane10 Fri 18-Jan-19 10:44:43

I wouldn’t take the baby.

OrchidInTheSun Fri 18-Jan-19 10:45:20

God no, please don't take him. Your PIL will be perfectly capable of looking after him for a few hours.

welshweasel Fri 18-Jan-19 10:45:48

Leave the baby with MIL and go to the funeral with your husband for support. Baby will be totally fine, perhaps not ideal from your point of view but you need to do the right thing by your sister. I’m usually one to advocate doing whatever makes the mother comfortable but in this instance, your sister’s feelings should trump yours.

elephantfan Fri 18-Jan-19 10:45:58

No. Dont take him.

explodingkitten Fri 18-Jan-19 10:46:07

What an upsetting time for you all. I think it's best if you don't take the baby, pIL or DH staying home sound like a good alternative. So sorry for this loss in your family thanks

RoseDog Fri 18-Jan-19 10:46:09

You should leave your baby with your MIL, you will need your husbands support and you can support your sister.

DailyMailFuckRightOff Fri 18-Jan-19 10:46:25

You can’t take the baby. Please don’t. MIL sounds like a good solution.

waterplease Fri 18-Jan-19 10:46:33

How awful sad can't imagine the trauma the mothers going through.thanks
I'd say leave your baby with your husband and just be there for your sister. I'm sure your baby being there will upset her even more due to the circumstances.

I don't think I'd have a funeral though for a stillborn. I'd rather grieve alone than go through all that. Probably wouldn't like to attend a funeral for one either.

Hope all goes well.

ZogTheOrangeDragon Fri 18-Jan-19 10:46:37

When my baby died I invited several friends who I knew had babies and it was ok. I think I was still so numb from what had happened that I was more grateful they were there than not at all. However, I had my own toddlers there and I think I would have felt very differently if it had otherwise been a childfree event.

If you can get childcare and you can, you would just rather not (which I can understand when your baby is only three months old) please do use that.

TheQueef Fri 18-Jan-19 10:46:40

Adding to the pp, don't take the baby. Your MiL plan sounds good.

AGoodMandarin Fri 18-Jan-19 10:46:45

Absolutely do not take the baby - I think it’s inappropriate to have babies at any funeral, let alone when it might cause extra upset to your sister to have a baby there when she has just lost hers.

Have your MiL sit in the car outside if you are worried about being away from him then you can quietly pop out to check on him.

LordPickle Fri 18-Jan-19 10:47:04

Jesus wept. Do not take your baby to her baby's funeral. It's shocking that you have any doubts about what to do. There is no option here.

StealthPolarBear Fri 18-Jan-19 10:47:16

I'd feel happier knowing DH was with the baby tbh. That would give me peace of mind on the day. If he was with mil I'd be worried if he was OK.
My mil is wonderful, not a criticism, just the op's baby is very little.

melissasummerfield Fri 18-Jan-19 10:47:24

Why dont you just leave dh at home with the baby?

I wouldnt take a baby to the funeral.

StealthPolarBear Fri 18-Jan-19 10:47:44

Lord pickle give over

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints Fri 18-Jan-19 10:48:01

I wouldn't, not in these circumstances. If it was the funeral of an adult it would be absolutely fine but I think it would be very distressing for your sister to see a baby at the funeral of her baby. flowers

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Fri 18-Jan-19 10:48:32

I have had a stillbirth. Please don’t take your baby, not even in the car. Leave him with your PIL. If I were you, I would take your DH as support - it will be incredibly harrowing and you will need someone.

PeterRabbitsBlueCoat Fri 18-Jan-19 10:48:39

Please don't take him. Even to leave him in the car. It is absolutely not appropriate.

TheOrigFV45 Fri 18-Jan-19 10:50:47

Don't take the baby. You will feel completely unable to be there for your sister if you have a baby in your arms. You will also not be able to focus completely on the funeral.

What a desperately sad situation. flowers

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