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Exhausted but can’t rest as I have to constantly prevent MIL seeing DS

(40 Posts)
WhirlieGigg Thu 10-Jan-19 12:15:05

I am utterly exhausted looking after DS (1yo non sleeper) round the clock. DH works long hours and I SAH and cosleep.

I’m virtually NC with MIL because she is poison. DH still visits her once a week. I don’t want her pouring poison onto my DS so I keep him away from her. But that means I never get a break. If I give DS to DH to look after he’ll just take him to MILs. I’d rather be exhausted than have a day off while MIL does god knows what with my child. So basically I never get a rest or a decent sleep and I’m inches away from a nervous breakdown.

floribama Thu 10-Jan-19 12:17:39

Why would your DH do that if he knows how you feel about her?

Ragwort Thu 10-Jan-19 12:17:47

Is she really ‘poisonous’ or do you just not like her? If your DH is comfortable taking his DS to see her what exactly is your objection?

Presumably she raised your DH & you were happy to marry him?

Need more information before anyone else can comment.

Stuckforthefourthtime Thu 10-Jan-19 12:21:31

Agree, what is the 'poison'? If it's really awful then I get it, but then it's also on your DH a bit, as why would he spend so much time on someone terrible.

if it's just that she's a bit objectionable, or doesn't like you much, or has some dodgy views, I'd take the break, let your DS have a relationship with his grandmother, and trust that you have 6 days a week with him and your influence as mother to counteract her.

ASAS Thu 10-Jan-19 12:23:01

Is this a reverse?

Bluelady Thu 10-Jan-19 12:23:16

Maybe she'd be a bit less poisonous if she was allowed to see her grandson? Just a thought. It sounds as if you're going to be the MiL from hell a few decades down the line.

ltk Thu 10-Jan-19 12:24:17

It wouldn't matter what she said to DS right now! He's a baby.

Kintan Thu 10-Jan-19 12:24:35

What exactly are you worried that your MiL will do to your son? If he was really unsafe around her why would your husband take him there? I mean this kindly, but if you are close to a breakdown over this, it is time to seek professional help. Hope you are ok.

Confusedbeetle Thu 10-Jan-19 12:37:43

First address the sleep issues. At one year old he is old enough. Co sleeping is your problem. Ask HV for some help or find someone who has experience to guide you through it. Mixed message wanting help fom MIL and hating her. How is she pouring poison on him?

WhirlieGigg Thu 10-Jan-19 13:03:37

She’s nasty and unbearable. Because of her behaviour DH has MH issues that led to him having low self esteem and being unable to form relationships. She hates me because I encouraged him to escape and get therapy. It’s taken years to sort himself out and she still tries to hurt both of us whenever she can.

I’d prefer to be NC with her but DH won’t, he still feels guilt and obligation towards her so he visits once a week. And he wants DS to have a relationship with her but I don’t want him exposed to her toxic behaviour. If he has DS unsupervised I know he’ll take him to visit her. But I’m exhausting myself by constantly keeping DS by my side so he can’t take him.

BendingSpoons Thu 10-Jan-19 13:09:33

You need to reach an agreement with your DH in regards to your MIL and DS. It's not practical to never let DH be alone with DS. And as you say, it's exhausting.

PotteringAlong Thu 10-Jan-19 13:11:05

DH has MH issues that led to him having low self esteem and being unable to form relationships.

He clearly can form relationships as he has one with you...

Kintan Thu 10-Jan-19 13:20:34

If your husband wants to take your son to see his mother, I don’t think you can stop him really. Unless you think your husband is incapable of making safe choices for your son, in which case that’s something that urgently needs resolving.

WhirlieGigg Thu 10-Jan-19 13:51:15

He clearly can form relationships as he has one with you...

Yes, he has formed a relationship with me - after a great deal of therapy. I’m the only relationship he has ever had and it took a lot of hard work and support to get there. I don’t want MIL putting the same damaging ideas into DS’s head that DH is still having therapy to resolve.

WhirlieGigg Thu 10-Jan-19 13:53:19

I do think that DH is incapable of making safe choices for DS. He’ll take him to her house and let her damage DS like she damaged him. I won’t let her destroy my son like she almost destroyed DH.

Epiphany52 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:55:04

Could you get babysitter. You could sleep while the sitter plays with him or takes him for a walk

madmum5811 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:57:06

Sometimes you have to lead men by the hand. Organise the break, parks, baby groups. I see a few men at playgroup and tots. Facebook can be a good place to find out whats going on and on what days. Ditto your local council who will have a list you can find online.

If you plan activities for him to take he will hopefully go.

CrookedMe Thu 10-Jan-19 14:00:11

Well this isn't sustainable is it?

Unless you're going to be constantly by your son's side his entire life, some sort of agreement is going to have to be reached.

Couples counselling, some sort of mediator??!

Tobuyornot99 Thu 10-Jan-19 14:02:12

OP, I mean this kindly, but you need to let go a bit. You can't never leave your child with your husband unsupervised, that's absolutely berserk. Either agree he doesn't go to MIL with baby and suggest other activities, or allow him to take baby to MIL. What harm could she possibly whisper to a 1y/o? You may have lost perspective on this with post partum hormones etc

madmum5811 Thu 10-Jan-19 14:03:11

If his Mother died he would have to think of other things to do.

My son used to bring the baby around to us or his brother it became a family joke. Annoyed his DP no end. We all shamed him into being a bit more proactive with the DCs. Now he takes them on walks, to the park, beach, etc. He honestly did not know what to do with them at first.

Bombardier25966 Thu 10-Jan-19 14:04:01

Your husband obviously doesn't share your view of his mother.

What damage do you think she can do to a one year old?

WhirlieGigg Thu 10-Jan-19 14:07:38

I wish DH and I could reach an agreement about MIL. He’s still in therapy because of her past behaviour but insists she didn’t intend to damage him emotionally. He accepts that her behaviour was damaging but refuses to blame her for it. He still defends her if I criticise her, even though he’s in therapy because of the very behaviour I’m criticising!

Imo he thinks she’ll give DS the love and approval she never gave him, so if he gets a chance he will persist in taking DS to her house and shoving him onto her. It’s damaging and I won’t allow it. But preventing it is exhausting.

WhirlieGigg Thu 10-Jan-19 14:10:13

OP, I mean this kindly, but you need to let go a bit. You can't never leave your child with your husband unsupervised, that's absolutely berserk

Yes I know. It’s exhausting. But I’m terrified she’ll screw up DS like she screwed up DH. Perhaps not now at 1yo, but I don’t want to set a precedent for any contact between them in the future.

CrookedMe Thu 10-Jan-19 14:17:24

But the relationship of mother and son is different to that between GM and grandson who might see each other for an hour once a week. Are you overestimating her power here?

ineedaholidaynow Thu 10-Jan-19 14:17:48

Could he check with his therapist whether it is a good idea to take DS to see MIL?

Can you tell us what sort of things she does that has caused so much damage to your DH?

There are many threads on MN about people suffering from FOG because of their parents' behaviour.

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