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Something happened

(42 Posts)
Kittykat93 Sat 11-Aug-18 06:02:57

Last night, dp and I went out on a rare baby free evening to a drinks festival. Cut a long story short, we both got absolutely hammered and I don't remember much. We came home in a taxi, and then were arguing and shouting about godknows what. I can't even remember how it started. He got really angry and grabbed me a few times and was kicking the door. He also got me round the neck at one point. I definitely provoked him so it was 100 percent my fault, but I still feel a bit hurt that he put his hands on me like that.

I can be a bit of a dick when drunk, and fully admit that. I know I should stay away from booze as I can't just have a couple.

He stayed at his mums last night with our baby and I'm at home. What shall I say to him? I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that his mum and brother etc have been dragged into this and have to deal with us both being drunken idiots.

Hate being like this sad I drink because it makes me forget about things but in the end it always results in bloody disaster and I feel so bad about it. I feel awful this morning like I just want to go and jump off a very large cliff.

Kimlek Sat 11-Aug-18 06:10:57

You need to see someone about your drinking. Call him, apologise and let him know you’re going to see someone about your drinking problem. You need say what you’ve posted to him. You also need to discuss his ‘laying hands’ on you. It’s not clear in your post if he was violent but if so, that also needs dealing with. Lots of talking today. Maybe his family can have baby while you do so?

YeTalkShiteHen Sat 11-Aug-18 06:13:54

You both sound fairly toxic OP. But getting you “round the neck” is worrying.

Has this happened before?

ProudThrilledHappy Sat 11-Aug-18 06:14:16

Unless you were physically harming him and he had to restrain you to protect himself then there is no justification for him putting his hands on you.

Kimlek Sat 11-Aug-18 06:14:20

Just re-read your post and hands around your neck sounds violent. You both need to talk about this and get help. You were BOTH hammered so not all your fault even if you are a dick when drunk.

Kittykat93 Sat 11-Aug-18 06:19:21

Yes I will definitely call him and apologise. I also know I need to completely stop drinking as it's not good for me at all. Just want my baby back and to feel normal.

YeTalkShiteHen Sat 11-Aug-18 06:22:29

You both need to think hard about what happened last night. Has he lifted his hands before OP? Both of you need to lay off the drink too.

Are you safe?

Kittykat93 Sat 11-Aug-18 06:30:21

Never ever raised a hand to me before but last night he was extremely drunk. I know we need to.

Completely safe, just me and the dog here at the moment! I keep trying to call him but he'll be sleeping off the hangover at the moment.

ShinyGirl Sat 11-Aug-18 06:34:07

Eh? She needs to apologise for him grabbing her around the neck and being violent?

No. No she doesn't.


ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Sat 11-Aug-18 06:42:50

Even if you were being violent and/or verbally abusive to your DP, there are other ways to physically restrain you.

I'll be honest, OP, it's a dangerous state of affairs for you to be thinking that because you provoked him, him grabbing you by the neck and kicking the door is 100% your fault.

His violent reactions to whatever you have done are not your fault.

His violent reactions to whatever you did or said are his fault, no matter how much alcohol had been consumed.

Is there any bruising around your neck?

user1493413286 Sat 11-Aug-18 06:44:40

Why is it your fault that he grabbed you round the neck?! Unless he was restraining you from hurting yourself or others there is no reason for him to grab you and definitely no reason for him to grab you round the neck.
Fair enough if you want to apologise for being so drunk but so was he and again there is no excuse for grabbing you round the neck.
I also think you need to think about both your drinking.

Sforsh49 Sat 11-Aug-18 06:50:59

Please contact Women’s Aid or look at their website. Grabbing you round your neck is a serious signal about your OH that you need to be aware of and you need to safety plan for the future, for both you and your baby, no matter how much either of you had drunk, or what you said, it is NOT an appropriate reaction under ANY circumstance.

This is Domestic Violence through and through and IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 11-Aug-18 06:53:24

Alcohol does bring the worst out in some people. I hope you are serious about stopping drinking.

How did he grab you round the neck? As in put his hands on your collar bone each side to restrain you and therefore his fingers were just touching your neck. Or his hands around your throat/ neck? There is a difference between the two.

Kittykat93 Sat 11-Aug-18 06:55:18

Absolutely I'm serious about stopping drinking. I've used it as a crutch since the age of 21 when my parents died. I'm now 25 and I'm still using it but it never makes the pain stop.

This is a new low for both of us though. For the sake of our little boy we have to stop.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Sat 11-Aug-18 06:58:19

I think you should make yourself something to eat if you can face it & drink a strong coffee and also lots of water.

IMO, it's too early to call him now, though I can understand why you want to.

Can you get a few more hours sleep after you've eaten something & had some water? Maybe set your alarm for 9:30am ish?

If you can't sleep, maybe have a bath/shower, & think about what you want to say to him.

Please, when you speak to him, don't apologise or take responsibility for his actions, only for your own.

He's got just as much, if not way more apologising to do than you.

Also, I'd not be accepting him minimising grabbing you around your neck & kicking the door.

That's why I asked if there are any bruises...If there are, you can present them to him if he pretends he can't remember what he's done.

Maybe you've said some really shitty nasty things, but grabbing you around the neck is never going to OK unless you're lunging at him with a sharp knife, or he fears for his life.

Are there unresloved issues, resentment or anger between you? I used to every now & then drink too much, but I hated the drunk version of me, and went t-toal for many years so as not to allow myself to become that person.

There were definitely inresolve issues between me & my partner. I would work pretty hard to white wash over them during sober times, but then when I'd had too much to drink, it would simmer up, & even if he was being lovely, I'd be a right cow due to something that had happenend in the past.

Take a good hard look at your relationship this morning .

Is he controlling? Are you genuinely shocked & surprised by his actions? Is it completely out of character, or do they follow a pattern that if you are honest with yourself, seem to be a part of a bigger picture?

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Sat 11-Aug-18 06:59:01

OMG - ridiculously long post, OP. Sorry!

YeTalkShiteHen Sat 11-Aug-18 06:59:08

I’m sorry about your parents OP, have you ever had counselling? Is it something you’d consider? I ask because I struggled massively after my Mum died, and I went to a very dark place. Grief can be all consuming.

Kittykat93 Sat 11-Aug-18 07:06:14

Thank you for the messages they are helpful. Just looked mirror and yes I have bruising on both sides of my neck. Unfortunately it looks like lovebites! He is awake but not really texting me. He's obviously pissed off. I'm so upset. Yes I had counselling when it first happened but it didn't help. I'm so low every day the only reason I get up is for my baby. This has just topped it off.

AnoukSpirit Sat 11-Aug-18 07:09:02

I can't even remember how it started

Ok, so how did you reach the following conclusion:

I definitely provoked him so it was 100 percent my fault

Because no. It is 100% the fault of the person who started kicking doors and chose to physically assault you. Nothing excuses him putting his hands around your throat.

I drink because it makes me forget about things

If my partner had managed to convince me his violence was my fault I'd probably want to drink to forget it too.

What else are you trying to forget?

I will definitely call him and apologise

For what? You're going to apologise for him throttling you? Apologise for him kicking doors? Apologise for him hurting and scaring you?

OP, it makes me incredibly sad that you've ended up in a position where you think this is your fault, something you just need to deal with, and your responsibility to apologise for. Other people aren't living like this. It's not what a healthy, loving relationship looks like - drink or not.

What would your baby have to do to "make" you do what your partner did to you? I'll hazard a guess that thought will horrify you because there is nothing that would "make" you behave that way towards anybody, let alone somebody you love or care for. So why are you blaming yourself for what he's done? You didn't make him do it, he chose to.

I don't think I could forgive myself if I'd put my hands around my partner's throat. I wouldn't expect them to forgive me, but I'd be seeking their forgiveness. I would entirely expect them to report me to the police for assault, and I would expect to be arrested.

You don't have to do that - but what happens when his anger begins to be directed towards your baby as it gets older?

If you want to change things, or just start to think about what you want to be different, then give some serious thought to going on the Freedom Programme, It's confidential and they won't judge you, but they will help you find perspective so you can figure out for yourself what to do.

If you're thinking "what do you know, it's easy for you to say", I have been the person having the Freedom Programme recommended to me and not understanding why. I've been there with the police themselves telling me they were concerned for my safety and I still protested that it was fine and all my own fault, because I just "made" him angry.

I know it's not as easy to do as it is for me to write. But going on Freedom is a manageable first step towards things getting better. it might be a scary step, but it gets easier once you take it.

Cruggs Sat 11-Aug-18 07:14:37

So the drunk man that was kicking the door, grabbed you and got you round your neck has also got your baby? How did that happen?

There is so much wrong with this situation I'm not sure where to begin.

You are both equally culpable for this situation. You both got drunk and lairy. However, he should never have touched you. Do not let him excuse / minimise his physically aggressive behaviour as being provoked by you or by saying it was because he was drunk. That kind behaviour is inexcusable. He is an adult, he needs to learn to control himself.

It sounds like you both need support with alcohol abuse. This is serious. You have a child to look after now so you need to take control - there is a lot a stake here.

I would start with getting some counselling for your regarding your parents' death. You may have had some before but it seems like you might need to revisit it. You both need to examine your drinking habits and triggers. There is a lot of help available out there to help you both with this.

You personally need to ask yourself if you can stay with someone. If you both row like this does it indicate cracks underneath the surface of your relationship which will only get worse as time goes on?

Kittykat93 Sat 11-Aug-18 07:18:41

I totally understand it makes us sound like awful parents. But that boy is so so loved and would never come to any harm. And I never drink when he's here, this was just a very rare baby free night.

Our relationship is usually very good. But because I'm so deeply sad at what happened I can get depressed, miserable etc. I've been here many times before and don't know why I've been drinking again, he's far from violent but I've literally pushed him to the edge and to be quite honest if I were him I'd be sick of me too.

Cruggs Sat 11-Aug-18 07:21:26

Sorry, wanted to add something. Whilst you may be partly responsible for this situation (in that you got very, very drunk and there was an argument) you are in no way responsible for his behaviour. Do not apologise to him for his behaviour. This is really important.

Scenario A: We got steaming drunk and had a big row. OK, not ideal it happens sometimes. Both apologise to each other and move on.

Scenario B: We got steaming drunk and had a big row. You then kicked the door, manhandled me and grabbed my by the throat to the extent that you left bruises. OK you can apologise for the drunk argument, but absolutely nothing else.

Cruggs Sat 11-Aug-18 07:23:08

he's far from violent but I've literally pushed him to the edge

Read this, and re-read this. He is violent. He has been violent to the mother of his child who is grieving the loss of her parents. This is the fact of the matter. You are excusing him by blaming yourself.

GrouchyKiwi Sat 11-Aug-18 07:25:25

OP: I agree that you need to do something about the drinking, and counselling about losing your parents is a good idea.

BUT. But but but.

There is NO excusing his physical assault. It is not your fault that he strangled you. It is 100% his. I agree with PPs that it's extremely worrying that you blame yourself for this.

Please don't brush over this.

YeTalkShiteHen Sat 11-Aug-18 07:28:25

Just looked mirror and yes I have bruising on both sides of my neck

OP nothing, and I promise you I mean nothing you did could ever excuse that. Love isn’t grabbing someone by the neck, let alone hard enough to bruise. That isn’t love, it’s assault.

Please consider contacting the police. If not them, women’s aid. This is really serious.

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