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Can anyone advise about a broken residency/contact order?

(9 Posts)
TurtleHat Thu 09-Aug-18 12:41:32

Hi, my 12 year old is refusing to return from her dads as we had agreed.
She won’t speak to me or see me as I won’t agree to her living with him and changing her school. This makes no sense to me as he is very controlling, he will happily involve children in disputes between the two of us and will badmouth me to her. He’s set up a scenario where it’s the 2 of them vs me.

He is saying he’s going to change her school and she’ll live with him.
He’s been threatening this since we split up and when we were together and I threatened to leave, he said I could go and he’d keep the children.

There is an order in place which he is now violating but police won’t return her unless she’s in danger.
Solicitor isn’t sure that taking him back to court will even result in her being returned, as it is her saying that she doesn’t want to see Me or come back and she is now of an age where her wishes are taken into account.

I think this is all a terrible idea as she’s settled here, her friends are here and he will continue to control her. He’s very domineering and would be delighted if she never spoke to me again.

Has anyone been in a similar situation that can help? I don’t know what to do for the best

ohreallyohreallyoh Sat 11-Aug-18 13:57:16

You need someone independent to speak with her because she will be caught between you and needs support to sort her mind out. I am afraid, however, that the courts would listen to her and if she says dad, dad it will be. Your best bet maybe letting her go but keeping in constant contact - even if she ignores you. A daily text, likes on Face ppl, that kind of thing. Let her know you are there for her and that won’t change. Chances are, it will play itself out within a few months.

Doyoumind Sat 11-Aug-18 14:03:00

Given her age it doesn't seem worth going to court because they will listen to what she wants. He can't change her school without your say so, though, I don't think.

How old are your other DC? What's happening with them?

TurtleHat Sat 11-Aug-18 21:53:15

Thank you both for replying,
Other dc is 9, and there’s been no mention of any changes to school or home, he’s happy and his usual self.
I’m scared this will all happen again as soon as he’s 12.

Wrt to court, I’ve been coming to the same conclusion. And even if the court orders her home, where would that leave our relationship? She would despise me even more than she does now.

He has to apply to court to change her school and he hasn’t done that, he hasn’t even arranged a place at this wonderful new school, he thinks he can place her temporarily in a new school until he gets he a place in this more desirable school. It’s absolute madness.

I have no idea how to counteract his years and years of mind games, I’m questioning whether it’s me, maybe I am just that terrible of a parent . I couldn’t do this to them, badmouth their parent to them, convince them that they’re the enemy and they should turn their backs on them

Doyoumind Sat 11-Aug-18 22:32:21

If he hasn't done anything about the school it sounds like mind games. I would try to be as relaxed as possible about it. Then he doesn't get the pleasure of knowing you're upset and DD won't be in such a combative mood.

How far away does he actually live?

Domino20 Sun 12-Aug-18 00:57:59

My friends son is court mandated to live at his father's house. Several times he has begged her not to send him back after contact weekends or holidays. She always calls the police and they speak to him. If it's court ordered that she lives with you I'd suggest you call them and be firmer as they must enforce the order of the court. Keep speaking to different people at the station until you find the right person.

TurtleHat Sun 12-Aug-18 07:02:27

He lives only 20 minutes away, the school she wants to go to is a 40 minute drive away, just not possible for me to take her to as well as get ds to school and then to work on time.

Unfortunately Domino, we have shared residency, the police won’t return her unless she’s in danger.

I’m scared she won’t want to see me anymore, not with the poisonous attitude he has towards me. According to him she doesn’t want a fixed contact arrangement anymore, she just wants to see me as and when it suits her (and him I suppose)

He must be delighted, he now has the ultimate stick to beat me with. All i wanted to do when I left him was give the children a nice peaceful life away from screaming rows and he just keeps dragging them back into drama, he can’t let us just be happy and settled.

The current arrangements mean they spend more of their weekends with him as it is, he has not been deprived in any way, apart from the fact he doesn’t live with them full time.

TurtleHat Sun 12-Aug-18 07:42:19

Maybe I’m fighting a losing battle trying to stop this.

Perhaps I should make him take me to court to court to change current arrangements, and then focus on trying to retain some kind of positive relationship with my daughter. Something that has been severely damaged by all this, and by his behaviour over the years.

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Tue 14-Aug-18 14:45:29

I thought the courts could step in with this sort of thing, I may be wrong but it was called parental alienation by badmouthing one parent to another, you could always ask the court.

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