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I'm being unreasonable and uncharacteristically bitter and need to vent

(12 Posts)
DerryLeeDunk Wed 08-Aug-18 17:04:31

Me and my uni colleague got jobs a few years ago in the same organisation and work together every day. We're very different people and though we get on well at work, we don't socialise outside of a work capacity and aren't 'close' by any means. However, we do confide in each other sometimes about various aspects of our private lives probably because we were a bit closer at uni.

We are both being interviewed for the same promoted role in a few weeks. We've joked together that it's awkward but we'll be happy for whoever gets it. I'm almost 100% certain she will as she has taken on so many projects this past year which require her to stay late - unpaid. She goes to all work social events and networks there. She meets up with our boss in a social context outside of work and they go to the gym together. She is always being applauded at meetings for various projects she has contributed to. Me on the other hand - i'm not able to commit to unpaid extra hours. I have a strict childcare pick up time and no family/friends nearby to babysit which would allow me to stay late or go to social events. I think i've only been to one work event last Christmas and that's that. I have contributed to some projects when i have spare time during the working day and work during my lunch break, and also work at evenings and weekends from home if i'm able to. To be honest though, i'm not ever going to be able to match my colleague's contributions/networking (i'm a single parent with no weekend/evening childcare whereas my colleague is single and has no kids or commitments).

Basically, i have accepted the fact that she is more deserving of this post. And i'm happy to go to the interview for experience.

Yesterday during lunch my colleague revealed to me that she has another job lined up starting in January abroad. This role we're both interviewing for has a start date of 1st September. She said that she feels guilty about going for the job when she'll only be doing it for a few months but said it would be good to get extra savings for moving abroad. I said i'd do the same in her position and congratulated her.

Today however i am feeling quite bitter about it. She has every right of course to accept the role and then leave in January. But then if i'm offered the role in January, it will feel like i'm always second best and the role would seem almost contaminated due to my feelings on not getting it in the first instance. And then if it goes to an external candidate over me - i'll feel even worse! The role is pretty much the same job in the same team, just with a few more responsibilities.

I almost want to let slip to some other colleagues tomorrow that X is leaving in January so that it somehow works it's way to our boss before the interview. How awful is that?! I would never do it of course. I've been told this in trust and have promised I wouldn't say anything.

I really don't know why i'm feeling like this. I know that she deserves the role more than me but it's almost like it would be a waste to give it to her for the sake of 4 months.

Can anyone advise on how to work myself out of these negative thoughts? I feel as though i should be open and honest with my colleague about my feelings. Talking it through might help but then she might also start hating me and leave in January with a tension between us.

youarenotkiddingme Wed 08-Aug-18 17:09:40

If she is getting the job based on her social life outside of work and her working unpaid hours then what makes you think she is better suited to the role than you?

Sometimes you have 2 equally capable and equally qualified applicants and one does get it on personality and good fit (external applications).
So if it does happen she gets it and then you take over its May be nothing to do with your ability to do the job.

But please don't do anything sneaky because it could affect your position - do you want your boss to think you aren't trustworthy?

imsorryiasked Wed 08-Aug-18 17:10:36

Well your colleague has been honest with you - I think it would be worse if you found out in January that she had known all along.
And you've already said that between the two of you she is most likely to get it so if she is successful it won't come as any shock. If you are then offered the job in January it doesn't mean you're second best - if you two are equally skilled etc then she is getting the job due to the extra hours and commitment bit which you aren't able to do at the moment.

Knittedfairies Wed 08-Aug-18 17:12:26

I’d keep quiet about the whole thing. She may get the promotion, or you might (you wouldn’t get an interview if you were a no-hope), or someone unknown to you both could be appointed. The job in January might fall through.. Just prepare for the interview and go from there; good luck OP!

Sammyham88 Wed 08-Aug-18 17:36:17

She's put the extra hours and hard work in with the extra projects she's done as have you but it's not her fault that you're a single mum and so she has more time to do these projects/ network etc, so yeah she does sound like the better candidate going in the interview.

While she's still at your company she's every bit as entitled as you to go for positions which are going to improve her CV and pay, regardless of how long she's intending to be in the position.

She's confided in you so obviously trusts you, know you said you wouldn't but if you did let it slip to other colleagues that'd be a really shitty thing to do and you'd lose their respect also, no one likes a gossip.

This is just how life is, the interviews haven't even happened yet, you need to suck it up and if she does get it then she was the best candidate at the time and doesn't mean you're second best. Work isn't the be all and end all in life, focus on something else more positive/ relaxing instead of situations you can't control.

twohandstwokids Fri 10-Aug-18 08:32:31

Perhaps in your interview focus on your dedication to the company and perhaps also that you are committed to staying in the area and the role and want growth.

KathfromSalesandMarketing Fri 10-Aug-18 08:44:55

She sounds quite unpleasant. She knows you want the role and is letting you know that it's not that important to her; she has options that you haven't got. She's also being unprofessional if she takes a role knowing she will be leaving in less than six months.

However, you've got something she hasn't - your DC. Plan something fun to do with them this weekend and know how lucky you are.

Good luck with the interview and don't ever think of yourself as second best.

Foslady Fri 10-Aug-18 08:51:30

Remind yourself that being more corporate does not necessarily make her the better person, in fact remind yourself that no one stood at a graveside saying they should have worked more.
Her life centres around work, yours centres around other things.
I’m not saying this to knock anyone, just to give you another takevon your situations

pilates Fri 10-Aug-18 08:57:59

I would keep quiet. You never know you might get the job.

NeverKeepANameTooLong Fri 10-Aug-18 09:06:19


She's put the extra hours and hard work in with the extra projects she's done as have you but it's not her fault that you're a single mum and so she has more time to do these projects/ network etc, so yeah she does sound like the better candidate going in the interview.

but ......

over familiarity is not always best.
You go girl, you can do this. Good Luck OP

Brambleboo Sat 11-Aug-18 12:19:40

Don't count yourself out of the running, OP. Being a parent and maintaining a roof over you family's head gives you other skills that your colleague might not possess. Think about hone-based skills which are transferable and relevant, then play those up alongside your work skills at the interview.

Best of luck!

cyantist Mon 13-Aug-18 21:07:20

I wasn't offered my current job originally. I don't care, I love my job so much and while I was second choice I don't think I'm second best. And the fact someone else was offered it first was the best thing ever for me.

But good luck for the interview and don't count yourself out yet

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