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I need to get this off my chest

(42 Posts)
cantsleepforworry Thu 02-Aug-18 03:43:13

NC for this. Sorry if this becomes long, I have to get this out somewhere it's eating me up inside. It concerns the paternity of my DD.
When I met my now DP I was on and off seeing someone else, when I met DP things had been off with the other guy for a week or so. After meeting up 4/5 days in a row with now DP we slept together after a boozey meal out, didn't use protection. I was on the pill but could sometime forget to take it at the right times/at all if I was working or out but generally always used condoms anyway except for the odd time (obviously).Slept with other guy w/o condom a couple times also (the last time I slept with him). Other guy was completely off the scene by this point.
Cut to a month or so later, I find out I'm pregnant - never had regular periods so was late figuring it out, already around 10 weeks or more if I remember right. I immediately assume it's other guys because my mind goes to worst case scenario, I message him to speak (had deleted his number by this point so couldn't call) he wouldn't meet me so message him I'm pregnant, think it's his etc he won't have it says it's not, he doesn't care, don't chase him for anything cos he'll be a dead beat dad (at least he's honest) and told me to get an abortion.
I thought about it for a few days, decided I didn't want to abort and eventually told DP the news as he could see something was up. He was so happy, told me it's amazing I'd be a great mum etc, I was completely honest and said it could be other guys - he didn't care, said it doesn't matter this is his child either way.
Had this conversation numerous times during my pregnancy as I wanted everything to be clear and understood between us. Every time he reassured me he was the baby's dad regardless.
DD born and all is well, had the conversation a few times again when DD was newborn and DP on one occasion admitted he was scared she wasn't his but only because he loved her so much he didn't want the risk of her being taken from him if she's not his. I did my best to assure him otherwise. Has not come up since.
Until several months ago - DD is now 3 - DP went out with his dad and ended up having a massive argument to which his dad decided to tell him no one in the family believes DD is his because they have different eye colours. DP wouldn't have it, left and came home shaking saying he'll do DNA tests to prove otherwise. I put a stop to this. I was terrified of the answer but tried not to let it show just stated that what wouldn't it matter now anyway, you've always said it doesn't matter just leave it lets not entertain them. He agreed eventually that he didn't actually care in his mind DD is his end of story, dad just knows how to push his buttons to get a reaction. But now I just can't handle it - I want to punch his dad for ever bringing it up and in such a callous way to belittle your son and win a fight and I also just can't sleep well at night anymore for that fact spinning in my head. My DDs eyes are brown, ours are blue - I know from my limited knowledge of biology that that isn't possible and now I'm constantly worried about when she starts learning it in school, what if she comes home one day asking why her eyes are different to ours? It makes me cry just thinking about it now so god knows how I'll react if it does happen. I wouldn't want her meeting the other guy - he's a drug and gambling addict now (only a gambler when I was with him, well that I know of at least) and doesn't bother with the other children he's had since, and I definitely don't want to think of DP being pushed aside or anything bad happen with their relationship.
I don't want to speak to DP about it because I feel like we have put this topic to bed some many times already I don't even know how or when I'd bring it up.
I feel horrible that sometimes I look into my DDs eyes and think about the option I was given by the other guy, I love her so much I could never have aborted and it makes me sick that I even think back to that time. I pray every night that she continues to look the spit of me as she grows so that other than eye colour no one would ever suspect. This is the worst feeling ever and it continues to fester to the point I'm wide awake at half 3 in the morning writing this because I felt like I was going to explode.
Thank you if you've got this far. I know the situation is of my own making and I should have been more careful, hindsight is a wonderful thing but I couldn't not have my DD now anyway. As much as this one fact rattles my brain I love her incredibly regardless of paternity and I love my DP incredibly too it hurts that one day I may be the cause of hurt for both of them.

FeckTheMagicDragon Thu 02-Aug-18 04:04:19

To be honest I think you’ve handled a difficult situation honestly and openly with your DH. He obviously loves his daughter, as do you. (And she is his daughter) He also may have convinced himself that she is biologically his. Maybe a test wouldn’t be such a bad thing. He won’t love her any less if she isn’t biological his. And you can come up with an approach to deal with that fact if it comes up when she is older. Just for gods sake don’t say anything to his stupid Dad. It’s a family matter - your family that is - and nothing to do with him, whatever way any test might turn out.

FeckTheMagicDragon Thu 02-Aug-18 04:06:03

Also read this genetics.thetech.org/how-blue-eyed-parents-can-have-brown-eyed-children
Blue eyed parents can have brown eyed children

Copperbonnet Thu 02-Aug-18 04:06:05

My DDs eyes are brown, ours are blue - I know from my limited knowledge of biology that that isn't possible

I’m sure someone more knowledgeable will come along but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. A quick google says that blue eyed parents can have a brown eyed child. Eye colour is complex.

Is your DP listed on the birth certificate? If so then he has parental responsibility regardless of biology.

He loves your DD regardless and he knew what he was taking on.

I think in your circumstances I’d very quietly get a test done just to know. At least you can go forward from there without being twisted up by worry.

You don’t have to change anything or tell anyone else regardless of the outcome.

Ameri Thu 02-Aug-18 04:08:00

Right, for a start two brown eyed parents can absolutely have a blue eyed child so she could, quite possibly, be your DP's. You have been honest with him from the start so you have nothing to worry about there. If you and DH are happy with the situation then don't let other people upset you. However it sounds like it is eating you up. Would you be happier knowing the truth about who is the father? Would you be able to accept any possible repercussions if she turns out to be your ex's? I think you and your dp need to decide what to do for yourselves and not be forced into anything by his family. What has made them bring this up three years down the line?

Penisbeakerismyfavethread Thu 02-Aug-18 04:10:20

Morning lovely. Right, your DP loves you and DD.
Go and make yourself a cuppa and cam down.
2 blue eyed people can have a dark eyed baby.

I’m not a scientist, so I apologise. But iirc you need the brown allele to have a brown eyed child
Let’s assume you and DP both have slightly damaged brown allele’s - the gene wasn’t dominant. So have blue eyes.
You and DP procreate, your brown alleles are damaged in different ways or were repaired on chromosome 15 in the dna you passed on and therefore create a brown eyed child?

GCSE biology was a really long time ago. I hope someone more learned can shed some light

Please cut yourself some slack.
DPs dad sounds like a twat

flowers

HoppingPavlova Thu 02-Aug-18 04:15:01

Look, one of my child's eyes are brown. My eyes are blue. DH's eyes are blue. Both our parents and grandparents on both sides have blue eyes (weird as that sounds, definitely not families of white supremacists I can promise you!).

Our child is definitely our child, I did not sleep with anyone else. And we definitely got the right child from the hospital, won't bore you with details but no chance at all they are the wrong child.

So, eye colour may be a general rule but is not definite.

Also, don't get me started on hair. The child with the brown eyes has hair that matches one of us. However one of our other children has a completely different type of hair to anyone in the family including a few generations back in both colour and type (not to be identifying but along the same lines as all have blonde straight hair and they have dark hair afro style) but they do have blue eyes! Again, the kid is definitely ours.

So, I wouldn't lose sleep over physical features not matching.

SpareASquare Thu 02-Aug-18 04:27:43

Head in the sand approach has a tendency to backfire massively and hurtfully.
Your DP IS her dad and noone should be saying otherwise. Genetically though, he may not be and you need to know if that's the case so you are not blindsided down the track when the potential to seriously harm relationships is at its highest. This is information that, if withheld, can destroy trust and cause irreparable damage.
If the results were not what you were hoping then some help to deal with and plan for would be beneficial I think.

Nandocushion Thu 02-Aug-18 04:39:01

My DH has brown eyes and mine are green. Both our DCs have grey/blue eyes. They are 100% his (and mine!). This happens all the time and you need to put your and your DP's mind at rest about it. It's to do with dominant and recessive genes.

The thing that your child must have the same as one of you is a blood type. AFAIK it must be either yours or their father's.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 02-Aug-18 04:39:50

Ameri you have the eye colours the wrong way around.

I don't think you should get the DNA test to appease your DP's dad who sounds like a shit-stirring bastard anyway. Only get it done if it matters to you and your DP.

But having said that, it might need to be done at some point anyway, depending on health issues - knowing the correct family history could end up being important for your DD.

Do it on YOUR terms (yours and your DP's) though, not his bloody family!

AnotherEmma Thu 02-Aug-18 04:40:54

I agree with others. Your DP should do the paternity test. If he is the biological father he can tell everyone loud and proud. If he isn’t, you can keep it between the two of you (although I think you should tell DD when she is old enough).

Either way maybe you and your DP should step back from his father, he sounds unpleasant and unsupportive.

Nandocushion Thu 02-Aug-18 04:41:44

TBH I'm surprised anyone still believes in the old eye color thing. I was taught in high school several decades ago how eye color works. It's not actually very difficult.

genetics.thetech.org/ask-a-geneticist/brown-eyed-parents-blue-eyed-kids

ittakes2 Thu 02-Aug-18 05:01:33

My son has blue eyes but if you look closely you can see a brown rim of colour around his pupil. Have you considered the option of doing a paternity test and then allowing your partner to adopt him if he is not the biological father? What I don't get is why his dad cares if your son is not biological his grandchild or not. Your partner can love who he wants.

SpecialBond Thu 02-Aug-18 05:06:59

You need to find out because your DD needs to know the truth about her parentage. Absolutely he is her Dad and loves her and she him, but she has a right to know if he isn't her Dad biologically.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight Thu 02-Aug-18 05:15:14

I have brown eyes and two of my children have blue eyes and one grey (older two have a distinct brown ring round the pupil). Two are blond and the other one light brown-haired, so all the stuff in school about brown eyes/dark hair being dominant didn't ring at all true for us.

Apart from that. Parenthood is so much more than sperm/egg/DNA, as your dp should know. You were open with him from the outset, you have done nothing wrong. The bond of fatherhood your dp has created with your dd by being her father makes (IMO) the result of any paternity test irrelevant. Get it done if you feel it helps you (or for any future medical issues). But if I could talk to your dp I would advise him not to let his relationship with his daughter be spoiled by unenlightened idiots (ironically - his own father).

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 02-Aug-18 05:16:46

Just adding brown-eyed brunette DP and I have blonde haired, blue eyed DDs. Genetics are weird.

FiftyYearsAfterBrexit Thu 02-Aug-18 05:39:01

With such a shit of a grandfather I'd be extremely worried that one day he tells her her father isn't her bio father. For that reason alone (well health history too in fact) I'd agree with the paternity test on the proviso that he adopt her if it comes back -ve. It may be complicated if he's named on the birth certificate but I'd insist on that so he doesn't feel his role has somehow disappeared or been diminished.

I'd also want to make sure his father has v little contact with him and you guys. He sounds absolutely awful - who could say that to their child to win an argument?! Totally different if he sat him down and gently had a conversation because he was worried or something.

And you did amazingly to tell him and give him the choice. You did everything right there. And his decision was one of a wonderful person.

Miraclesparklestars Thu 02-Aug-18 06:22:02

I look completely different to my parents and siblings.
All my siblings (3) have blonde hair. My dad has blonde hair (as do his parents and siblings and their children). My mum has ginger has - both her parents and siblings do too.
I've got brown hair.
Same with eyes. All brown eyed parents and siblings and mine are blue.
I do look completely different. You wouldn't even know I was related to them if I didn't tell you. I tell myself i'm unique grin

I have a friend with two boys - One has dark skin and dark, straight hair like both his parents. The other has pale skin and blonde, curly hair.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 02-Aug-18 06:37:45

TOTALLY IRRELEVANT when parents have brown eyes and the child(ren)'s eyes are blue! this is normal, standard recessive genetics at play.

The OP and her DP have blue eyes and the child has brown eyes - this is a little more complicated! (But still possible)>

cantsleepforworry Thu 02-Aug-18 11:27:42

Thank you for all the messages, I managed to get some sleep in the end.
Glad to hear of other families with different eye colours etc, like I said I knowledge of that topic is limited but it was something that just stuck in my mind from school days, the dominant/recessive genes but happy to hear that's not always the case.
I haven't said anything to DPs dad nor am I ever going to - we used to get along great but I've distanced myself from him since all this, however I don't think he would do something stupid like that again he felt like shit the next day and met up with DP to apologise and said he'd apologise to me too but we decided he wouldn't know I know iyswim, because I couldn't cope with knowing it was hanging in the air so decided I'd act blissfully ignorant, which I'm happy with.
Will think on DNA testing, it's a big decision to make. Thanks for your help

fantasmasgoria1 Thu 02-Aug-18 16:04:29

I have known people with brown eyes to have a blue eyes child and vide Versa. My mums were brown and dads blue, brother has brown eyes and I have green! My son has brown and daughter blue and their dad has blue. As others have said recessive genes come into play. Would a dna test make either of you happy though? He is her dad whatever the outcome!

cantsleepforworry Thu 02-Aug-18 20:27:48

@fantasmasgoria1 yeah I've been thinking about my own family today - my dad has blue eyes and my mum has green, dads mum has brown eyes and I think my mums mum has brown eyes also so I'm sort of trying to believe that's played a part, though everyone in DPs family are all blue eyed except for a couple cousins who are brown eyed.
Tbh I don't think a test would make us happy (especially if it wasn't the outcome we hoped for) but there's pros and cons with either out come, good outcome everything is fine and dandy and I can stop worrying, bad outcome and I feel like it will be hanging over us forever even if it doesn't directly affect our lives going forward. I'm pushing the testing to the back of my mind, it's not something I want to do right now.
I'm a little more at ease now though today, DP decided to take the day of work to hang out with us and give me a bit of a break so I'm feeling better, more secure I guess that I know DP loves us both (knew that anyway but it was a nice surprise to wake up to a coffee and DD breakfast ready madesmile)

AnotherEmma Thu 02-Aug-18 20:39:46

I think you owe it your DD to do the test, personally.

Haworthia Thu 02-Aug-18 20:46:48

I think your DD has the right to know who her biological father is. I don’t think any good can come from living a lie and the truth has a habit of coming out at some point.

(That’s not to say I think the other man is the father, but the fact is you don’t know either way).

SpareASquare Thu 02-Aug-18 23:46:37

Tbh I don't think a test would make us happy

It's not about you though, is it? You're focused purely on your and your DPs feelings and happiness. It's about your DD and the potential of her realising you've lied to her her whole life. You really need to know you're NOT.

I've seen secrets like this destroy family relationships. Personally, I couldn't take that risk, not with my child.

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