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I will abide by mumsnet jury.......disagreement with dp

(87 Posts)
Smallhorse Mon 25-Jun-18 01:35:51

Dp has lived with me and my 2 teenage kids for 4 years.

My daughter (17) will occasionally use the shower in our en suite.
She leaves it clean , squeegees the walls etc, takes her own towel.

She only does this if dp is not Home.
I don’t mind this in the least.

There is another shower in the house but it’s pretty rubbish ; the ensuite one is really good.

Dp says I should tell her not to use the one off our bedroom because it’s “ours”. And she should respect our privacy.

I own the house , I think my kids should come and go as they please, within reason. No such restricts were placed when I lived here with their dad many years ago

So who is right ?

Thank you

Candyflip Mon 25-Jun-18 01:43:10

You. Especially if it has always been that way.

iogo Mon 25-Jun-18 01:43:51

It wouldn't bother me unless she was leaving a mess or walking around in a towel in front of him. Neither of which she does according to your post.

Keeptrudging Mon 25-Jun-18 01:44:14

You are. He is BU. Fair enough expecting children to not use it if you're in your bedroom/having a long lie, but no logical reason (apart from him being territorial) that they shouldn't use it any other time.

TheDowagerCuntess Mon 25-Jun-18 01:45:36

You're right of course.

But this is probably why I know I am absolutely not cut out for step-parenting, because I wouldn't want a partner's 17YO son using my en suite, and would feel that it was a bit of an invasion of privacy...

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 25-Jun-18 01:47:51

Sounds like you raised a lovely girl. He is being a little odd. Especially as it's not 'his' is it? It's yours.

Monty27 Mon 25-Jun-18 01:50:39

It's a family home. That sort of thing is normal.
Does he want to put his hand in his pocket and get the other shower working, or for that matter buy a more suitable house for himself hmm

Battleax Mon 25-Jun-18 01:51:22

On the face of it he IBVU.

Somerville Mon 25-Jun-18 01:56:24

You're right, as long as there is a lock on your ensuite so there is no risk at all of him coming home while she's in there and walking in accidentally.

Happytea Mon 25-Jun-18 01:58:31

Has he walked in her accidently? Worried that he might do so or vice versa? Is this a new rule of his? Either way he is in the wrong in my opinion, but interested as to where it stems from...

LauderSyme Mon 25-Jun-18 02:12:50

You are right.

And I'm dead impressed with your DD squeegeeing the walls after herself smile

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood Mon 25-Jun-18 03:09:52

There seems to be no real reason for him to care

She has always used it, before it was his home

She doesn’t use it when he’s there

Sounds like an attempt to assert authority, and establish himself as The Rulemaker

Plumsofwrath Mon 25-Jun-18 03:20:52

Actually, I see his point. I feel this way about my own children. I don’t let my kids use my en suite. As a parent and, I imagine, a step-parent your whole life is dominated by children. They influence every major and many minor life decisions. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for some space that’s got nothing to do with children.

I’d get the other shower fixed and ask the DC to stick to that one.

newdaylight Mon 25-Jun-18 03:23:52

You're right

If he feels strongly about it get other shower replaced?

SimplySteve Mon 25-Jun-18 03:32:04

You are.... he's being childish.

dundermiflin Mon 25-Jun-18 03:35:11

Ah the step dad who comes in and changes the rules. It's a pleasant experience that one. My step dad was like this.

Yanbu. He is.

Arum51 Mon 25-Jun-18 03:49:07

This probably isn't being very helpful, but I don't think either of you ABU.

From your perspective, she's your kid, and this is the way it's always been.

From his perspective, someone who is pretty much an adult is wandering in and out of his bedroom, without permission, when he is out. That must feel a bit creepy.

Get the other shower fixed!

Uncreative Mon 25-Jun-18 03:59:40

Rock vs. Hard Place

I see both sides. Things shouldn’t have to change for your daughter just because she has a step parent now. Step parent understandably wants to carve out a little bit of privacy from the kids. Totally see both sides. No right or wrong.

(But then again, I am the kind of person who would have their very own bathroom if I could. I hate sharing, even with my husband)

mozzybites Mon 25-Jun-18 04:14:04

You are right, my DH grumbles about the same thing although DC being 10 don't clean up like that behind them. They are both our DC, he just doesn't want to share his bathroom.

Aus84 Mon 25-Jun-18 04:26:36

I can see both sides.

It might be your house but it is you DP's 'home' now, he is entitled to some privacy and knowing that the children won't be coming into the bedroom when he isn't there. He might feel differently if it were his biological child but its not and I can imagine coming into an established family would be difficult for him. Just because he is the most recent addition, doesn't mean he is automatically the bottom rung on the ladder. Try and think how you would feel if the situation was reserved and you moved into your Dp's family home.

It sounds like your DD is being respectful in that she is keeping the ensuite clean but she is still entering his bedroom to get to it. Does he wander in and out of your DD's bedroom when she is not there?

Maybe work towards getting the other bathroom fixed up a little. It doesn't have to be an expensive reno, especially if you leave all the plumbing in place and just replace tiles and fittings, do the painting yourself etc.

Smallhorse Mon 25-Jun-18 17:05:59

Thank you one and all for your thoughtful responses.
Yes I agree about getting the other shower fixed.
There has never ever been a bumping into each other with just towel on moment. She has probably only used the entire suite shower a handful of times , ever.
Again , only if he is out - on golf week or away fishing for the weekend.
I think she's respectful and it just seems mean to hog the good stuff in the house.

He gets in a real strop with me about it and tells me I should tell her not to use it , and gets pretty annoyed when I disagree

BertrandRussell Mon 25-Jun-18 17:11:28

Getting annoyed about it puts him entirely in the wrong.

How does he know she's used it anyway?

pastabest Mon 25-Jun-18 17:13:15

How does he know she uses it if she only does it when he's not there and leaves it tidy?

Is there a mandatory weekly shower audit or something confused?

I'm not suggesting lying to him but I can't see how it comes up in general conversation in the first place.

bigchris Mon 25-Jun-18 17:16:38

He doesn't sound very nice, what on earth is his issue? Sounds like he's using it as an excuse to create tension, make you choose between them sort of tension

MsPavlichenko Mon 25-Jun-18 17:16:41

Red flags here re him getting " pretty annoyed".

Of course he can suggest what he wants re the shower though is strange as it impacts him not at all. But his reaction is key. Using anger to attempt to get you to agree. Is more to do with your relationship than use of shower. And to some extent it has workes as you have doubted yourself enough to come on here.

I'd keep a close eye on any similar behaviour in the future. Or even going on at the moment.

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