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Do you believe your gut instinct?

(26 Posts)
namechanged191 Mon 11-Jun-18 13:37:05

Hi, name changed as family & friends know I'm on here and my username

So il get straight to the point

I want to know if anybody has ever had a gut feeling there DP is cheating on them and there gut instinct was right about it


I have this gut feeling that my DP of 4 years is cheating on me,

He cheated on me when we first met with his ex, and when I found out I left him, he kept coming back saying he will change so I give him a chance thinking "everybody makes mistakes"

But I can't help but think he's cheating on me,

I work away from home and sometimes I'm away 3-4 days a week, since we have moved in together everything's changed

He never compliments me, hardly texts or calls me when I'm away, he works to but on his days of it's the same only the odd text here and there,

But I ALWAYS get this gut feeling he's with somebody or he's cheating on me, I have confronted him many times and he denies it

I know he cheated on his ex many times before and had many one night stands but I just thought maybe that's when he was younger and he's changed now

His laptop has gone "missing" which makes me suspect him and his mobile he keeps with him but when I've checked it Iv never found anything (I know it's wrong of me to check) but I just want to know if he is cheating on me

If he is I would leave him and NEVER take him back, I love him so much but I don't feel like he loves me anymore

I feel so down I know people normally say trust your gut instinct but I have no evidence to prove he is cheating, I would have never known he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship if his ex did not tell me, she wasn't shy to tell me how he was running after her whilst with me and sleeping with her, that's what makes me think he could be cheating because he hid it well the first time he did it

He says he learnt his lesson and would never cheat again

But everything's changed, he used to
Always compliment me, take me
On date nights, and always want a kiss and cuddle, now the only time I get a kiss and cuddle is when we are intimate apart from that he won't come near me, which makes me feel like rubbish


I'm sorry for the essay just really needed to get it off my chest,

HollowTalk Mon 11-Jun-18 13:40:38

I'd bet my house that he's cheating, OP. You are away a few days a week and he's seeing that as a chance to play away. There are ways you can find out what's going on in your house while you're away. (I'm assuming it's your house. Just out of interest, was he stuck for somewhere to live when you threw him out before?)

namechanged191 Mon 11-Jun-18 14:10:11

Iv spoken to my DF about this and she thinks if he is cheating he wouldn't risk bringing her to the house as we have really nosey neighbours,

We live in a private rented house, he used to live alone in a flat and I used to live alone in a flat, but 3 years ago we decided to rent a house together until we find a place to buy,

When I found out he was cheating I left him and he would always call always text and come round mine begging me to forgive him saying he made a mistake and he only cheated on me because he thought he was going to get back with his ex as he thought me and him wasn't serious, I know that's an excuse

But It's eating me away not knowing,

Iv tried checking his phone snooping around but can't find anything all I have is my gut feeling,

headinhands Mon 11-Jun-18 14:11:32

In general what we call gut instinct are actually logical decisions based on our sense so nothing sixth sensey about it. And I wouldn't trust that alone if after examining it didn't seem logical.

sparkle9090 Mon 11-Jun-18 14:18:48

Go with you gut instinct... “Intuition allows you to get the first warning signs when anything is off in your body so that you can address it. If you have a gut feeling  about your body — that something is toxic, weak or off — listen to it. “Your body is a powerful intuitive communicator,..... I'm talking from experience my husband was cheating for a whole year I had a gut feeling but didn't listen to it... Finally I found out and I was right.

namechanged191 Mon 11-Jun-18 14:42:38

Oh no @sparkle9090 I'm so sorry to hear that, if you don't mind me asking how did you find out, I hope your okay now,

Iv just remembered something that could prove he had been with a women, about a month ago i was away for 2 days when I come back home I noticed a deep scratch on his face, when I asked him what happened his excuse was he had s spot and tired to scratch it off and that's how he got the scratch, I know that's complete and utter BS,

Even then I thought has he had a argument with a women and she scratched him, i know 100% he lied to me then but still
Can't prove anything with that

HollowTalk Mon 11-Jun-18 14:55:01

Years ago I was living with someone and I was away for three nights a week. I came home early one time and found him washing up dishes from the last morning I'd been there. He'd been staying away while I wasn't there.

Is there something you could do to find out whether he's actually in your house when you're away? Look at washing up/dishwasher and clothes, towels, that sort of thing. Does the place look lived in or is it just as you left it?

HollowTalk Mon 11-Jun-18 14:56:08

Another friend noticed her boyfriend would drink a couple of beers when she was at home with him, but when she was away there were no bottles in the recycling bin. She realised he wasn't actually at home when she wasn't there.

MayRose7 Mon 11-Jun-18 14:58:38

Aw op I can so relate to this. I'm so sorry it's such such an awful feeling. Have you put him on the spot and asked him. I have had this feeling many times with my partner and I have asked him if he cheated on me. It's awful isn't cause once you ask the question you can't take it back. I personally asked him many times as he's been very secretive about his phone etc... but maybe he just doesn't like it that I'm nosey. Anyway I will have to have a good chat with my partner about this gut feeling and also where our future is heading. And that's what I'm suggesting to you too. Have a chat with him ask what you have got to ask.

sparkle9090 Mon 11-Jun-18 15:15:42

Hi I'm OK now thanks... My daughter told me they have stayed over one night at her home (she was a work colleague young girl, he changed her name 😂) ... I knew about this but he told me he was staying at a couples home for drinks 👫. My daughter just mentioned it and then when I questioned her she said there was no man there mum 😲... I searched her on LinkedIn as I had an idea if was this new girl he hired cause he was always going on about how well she settled in etc. The girls confirmed that was her bit obviously her name was different. After that everything fell into place I mean everything the lies, working late, phone on silent, works nights out, paying extra attention to himself in the morning, losing weight etc etc.... If he's done it before like my husband has, he will lie anyway if you confront him. Best of luck sweetheart 🍀🙏😘 (sorry about grammar I don't have my glasses on?)

AsleepAllDay Mon 11-Jun-18 15:20:17

'Everyone makes mistakes' shock

Yes, like accidentally mixing colours and whites in the machine or forgetting an appointment

Cheating is a choice & I would trust your gut especially when he has form

Wellthisunexpected Mon 11-Jun-18 15:25:00

I always trust my gut - builder, handymen, cheating lovers. It hasn't let me down yet. I am ALWAYS right.

NeverLovedElvis Mon 11-Jun-18 15:25:34

I never ignore my gut instincts anymore as they usually turn out to be correct.

Having said that, you sound unhappy and your boyfriend sounds untrustworthy. Do you really want to stay in this relationship anyway? You don't need proof of infidelity to end a relationship.

WorldWideWanderer Mon 11-Jun-18 15:30:54

I'm also a person who trusts my gut....and I'm always right too. I have years of experience and I always 'listen' when my 6th sense tells me something isn't right. It alerted me to pregnacy problems, illness and undiagnosed mental health issues in the children, cheating partners, neighbours, dodgy house purchases....anything and everything.
I the only time I have made mistakes is when I HAVEN'T listened to my 6th sense and ignored it, thinking "there's no logical reason for this, I can't be right". Those are the times when I've got it wrong....

HeckyPeck Mon 11-Jun-18 16:00:17

Having said that, you sound unhappy and your boyfriend sounds untrustworthy. Do you really want to stay in this relationship anyway? You don't need proof of infidelity to end a relationship.

This. He doesn't sound like he bring anything to the relationship other than misery and distrust. It sounds like you'd be happier without him.

namechanged191 Mon 11-Jun-18 16:29:30

Thankyou All for your replies,

@MayRose7 I'm so sorry your going though this too, I have tried talking to him and he always denies it and says I'm being silly and that he's busy working and doesn't have time to cheat, i hate feeling like this, I love him with all my heart and want to make this work but if I do find out he has been cheating then I won't be able to stay with him,

@HollowTalk that's actually a good idea, I have never thought about that, when I come back home I do notice the house is exactly how I left it only the dishes have been done, but everything is where I have left it, he used to clean up whilst I was away but because I accused him off cheating and bringing somebody back he has now started to leave the house exactly how it is,

My DF suggested I don't tell him when I'm back and just come home unexpected to see if I can catch him
Out but I'm just worried he might think I'm spying on him

AsleepAllDay Mon 11-Jun-18 16:34:44

@namechanged191 I think if you're at a point of thinking about how to try and 'surprise' find out if he's cheating, it's not really worth it is it

The trust is gone and he doesn't seem to be that fussed about it

HollowTalk Mon 11-Jun-18 16:34:48

But there's not cleaning, and there's everything being EXACTLY where it is. If he's not in the house, then there won't be anything new in the bin, nothing in recycling, etc. The bed will be identical to when you left it. No food will be used from the fridge. I know it sounds really stalkerish, but those are the signs that nobody has been there.

Do you share a bank account?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Mon 11-Jun-18 16:48:49

There's no point in talking to him - my experience is that he will lie until you present him with absolute proof, that he cannot wriggle out of.
Whenever my instinct has told me that someone is lying to me, I have alwas been right.
You don't have to prove it, you know. The trust has gone and sometimes when you just know, there's little point in dragging things out, trying to scrabble together the proof.

namechanged191 Mon 11-Jun-18 19:01:32

@HollowTalk Thankyou I am going to start being more alert when I get back and I will purposely leave things in a certain way to see if it's been moved,

I know that it's not healthy to be in a relationship where there is no trust but I really don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't trust him, he's promised that since he cheated 4 years ago he has never ever cheated on me again,

But there has been times when I just have a feeling that he is cheating or hiding something from me,

I just wish I could prove it because I don't want to leave him and it turns out that I was wrong

AsleepAllDay Mon 11-Jun-18 20:04:58

@namechanged191 he's cheated on you once already, your gut feeling should be enough for you to pack up & leave. He's not an innocent who deserves chances, he must have figured from the first time how to cover his tracks & the wondering will drive you crazy

ScrubTheDecks Tue 12-Jun-18 06:23:08

“he used to
Always compliment me, take me
On date nights, and always want a kiss and cuddle, now the only time I get a kiss and cuddle is when we are intimate apart from that he won't come near me, which makes me feel like rubbish “

Whether he is cheating or not, he is taking you for granted, making you feel rubbish and not paying you any attention unless he wants sex. Why accept a relationship like that? Please OP, free yourself now. Find someone who loves and respects you.

RisingPheonix Tue 12-Jun-18 06:32:05

I don't understand why we fall for the line that "everyone makes mistakes".

I've made mistakes but chatting someone up, having drinks or dinner with them, taking them home, taking your clothes off and having sex with someone, when you already have a partner, is not a mistake. It is a conscious decision. At some point they will think about what they are doing and who they are hurting but then think, so what.

Sleeping with someone is a multi-step process. It is not a mistake and there is no excuse for it. Also, he is s serial cheater on both you and his ex. He is basically incapable of truth, integrity and of being trusted.

BertrandRussell Tue 12-Jun-18 06:34:35


BertrandRussell Tue 12-Jun-18 06:41:11

OP-it's nothing to do with guts. It's your brain and intellect and logical head talking here.

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