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Asked my sexuality

(26 Posts)
ComeTheFuck0nBridget Sun 10-Jun-18 22:23:02

My cousin has just asked me if I'm bisexual ouright. I don't know what to do.

I can't bear to lie, it feels really wrong to say no. I do identify as bisexual, have known I was since a very young age (just didn't know the word for it until my teens). But I am not open about it.

The reason I am not is because I met DH when I was 17. So I was so young it never really got to the point where I had to come out about it to anyone, I had a few flings prior to DH with men and women but nothing serious. It seems redundant to come out now as I have no plans to leave DH so why bother. I like a private, quiet life and as far as I'm concerned it's nobody else's business.

That said, I feel like my cousin may be asking because she is bisexual too. I really, really want to talk to her about it in a way but I also don't want it getting out to any other family. I have typed and retyped a response to her so many times.

What would you do if you were in my position? Any advice? I'm really in a bit of a tizzy about this, it took me by surprise and has shaken me a little.

gamerchick Sun 10-Jun-18 22:25:45

What did you say?

Tell her that's a bit of a strange question to ask someone and change the subject.

Casmama Sun 10-Jun-18 22:26:21

You don’t have to answer. You could say that is between you and your husband and ask why she is asking.
If she is and suspects you are and wants to speak to you then chances are she is not intending to be open about it either though so there may not be much risk of her telling others.

Jaxtellerswife Sun 10-Jun-18 22:28:05

I'd just say that I prefer to only think about my husband in that way but if there's something they want to talk about you are happy to be supportive. Your sexuality is your business

museumum Sun 10-Jun-18 22:31:32

Why not just say you’ve been with your dh monogamously and faithfully since you were 17 so it’s a moot point.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 10-Jun-18 22:34:02

I don't get the issue with telling her. Would your family not be accepting? It sounds like you think she will be. It would be nice to chat to someone. Just tell her not to talk to others about you.

Ihuntmonsters Sun 10-Jun-18 22:36:05

It sounds as if she has asked by text or email? Can you meet up with her at all? I would have thought it's a conversation to have face to face.

OneEpisode Sun 10-Jun-18 22:45:57

You could say “I suppose so”. And even “some people think that lots of us are bisexual, but we settle down with the right person”

ComeTheFuck0nBridget Sun 10-Jun-18 22:46:59

Yes she emailed me. We haven't always been close but we have bonded a bit recently and I would love to be closer to her, we have a lot in common. So that's why I'd like to be honest with her.

But the reason I'm wary is because once, about 8 or 9 years ago, my other cousin (her brother who is gay) told his Dad I might be bisexual after he saw a tweet I'd liked. I can't remember exactly what it was now. And he rung up my parents to tell them, and asked if they knew. I was about 25 at the time. It seems petty and ridiculous typing that out now.

My Dad didn't understand being LGBTQ, he's dead now but I know if I had come out to him he would have gotten over it as he was a great Dad and I know my Mum and sisters wouldn't be phased at all.

I have no real reason not to be out about it in a way, and I know if something did happen to DH and I found myself single, I would come out because I'd want to date men and women. It just seems pointless to come out now. I can't be bothered with phone calls about it or thinking people are gossiping about me etc. Like I said, I'm quite a private person and I'm quite shy and don't really like attention.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune Sun 10-Jun-18 22:47:11

I'd be honest about it.

If in close enough for the person to ask and to not be offended, I'd be honest.

Few people know I'm bisexual as like you, was with DH young and it doesn't really come up.

I'm happy to be honest though.

grumpy4squash Sun 10-Jun-18 23:01:07

You could say that is between you and your husband

Sex is between you and your husband. Sexuality is completely separate and unrelated to your partner.

ittakes2 Sun 10-Jun-18 23:02:44

Think like a politician and avoid the question! Ask her why she asked you. She might just be using it as a way to try and talk to you about her own situation.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget Sun 10-Jun-18 23:07:10

Yes, think like a politician is a good idea!

purplewurple Sun 10-Jun-18 23:30:25

I wouldn't share that information at al there's no need to but I feel like you should say ask if there's something they would like to talk about.

Casmama Sun 10-Jun-18 23:55:05

I know sexuality is unrelated to your partner Grumpy - I meant that her sexuality is no ones business other than her current partner unless she chooses to share the information.

Singlenotsingle Mon 11-Jun-18 00:00:01

No one's business except hlyours! If you say anything, it'll spread round like wildfire

NotSinisterAtAll Tue 12-Jun-18 21:35:46

I’m the same as you op, I’ve never told anyone just kept it to myself since i was a kid. My husband doesn’t know either as I feel it’s irrelevant. He wouldn’t understand either way. In your scenario though I think I’d deflect the conversation as I am too private for it to be common knowledge within my family.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget Tue 12-Jun-18 23:08:15

Sinister, my husband doesn't know either. He knows I dated some women before we got together but I think he writes it off as experimenting/just a phase/for attention. I've never really gone into the depths of it with him and I think if I told him now it would just seem weird, liked I'd been thinking about wanting to get with women, which I have no intention of, I'm happy in my relationship.

Pollaidh Tue 12-Jun-18 23:14:39

I'd tell the truth (as in bisexual, but...) but if you're uncomfortable with that then maybe just ask if there's something she wants to tell you and say that you're there to support her whatever, etc. Don't say 'what a weird question', if she's struggling with her own sexuality that could be really damaging.

Pollaidh Tue 12-Jun-18 23:16:14

Alternatively say 'I think I've read that many people are somewhat bisexual, and it's particularly fluid in women?' Then ask if she wants to talk.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget Tue 12-Jun-18 23:16:37

I'd never say that. I think she is definitely at least bisexual because I think she came out as gay to her parents at one point but is now married to a man. I don't think she has any ill intention she probably just wants to talk about it.

I have to confess though, I haven't been able to bring myself to reply even yet and I do feel guilty, I keep trying to but nothing sounds right.

OliviaStabler Tue 12-Jun-18 23:18:07

Don't tell her. I lie about myself to almost everyone. It is too private information to give to people.

Pollaidh Tue 12-Jun-18 23:23:33

How about, "I'm probably not 100% straight, but my personal situation is not something I wish to talk about... happy to talk more generally though..."

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Tue 12-Jun-18 23:24:10

Why not reply ignoring that part of the message but suggesting a face to face meet up? You need to really know why she wants to know - I wouldn't disclose just because she asked. You may find she's a bitchy gossip or just lost and looking for support.
Good luck formulating a response!

Failingat40 Tue 12-Jun-18 23:53:49

You're a married woman so why does it matter?

You must surely be heterosexual as being anything else now would surely make you unfaithful?

Any, it's rather direct to ask someone this via an email. I'd avoid answering it unless of course I was the only thing she wrote.

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