14 weeks pregnant with DC3 - DH says he doesn't love me anymore(6 Posts)
Sorry for essay! Didn't want to drip feed but am terrible at knowing my own feelings and really need help.
We have 2 young DDs. DH has struggled with severe depression in recent years, but has got much better in the past year. When he was really low, he went to part time - we'd just moved and bought a new house, so I found a full time job and now bring in over 2/3 of our family income. I miss being part time, and do not enjoy the job, its a very aggressive environment and I usually work a full day, come home to put kids in bath and to sleep, then start work again on my laptop while he finishes work or plays computer games. However we'd planned that he would soon go back full time, then I would drop back to part time or we would try for a third DC and I'd be off on maternity. This hasn't happened yet as he hasn't found the right opportunity.
Between all this, sorting out the new house and my mother undergoing chemo (and living a day's travel away), it has been a very stressful time. Without family support it can feel like life is work and childcare, so we've had very little time together, and I have felt this difference - less sex, more grumbling at each other, and things that felt like pretty big signifiers of feelings, like when didn't get me anything for valentine's day, then asked me what I wanted, so I sent a picture (affordable toiletry thing from a shop 5 mins walk away) - but he didn't get it until 3 weeks later, after an argument where I mentioned it. I'd made him a card and bought chocolates and felt like an idiot.
When we fell pregnant unexpectedly, he was very happy, I was shocked to find myself scared and upset, and worried about his mental health and our relationship and how our DDs will manage.
He said he'd respect my decision, but I shouldn't worry about either of those things. After weeks of me trying to reconcile myself he said at 10 weeks that we basically had a baby now and he hated the idea of termination. Since then I have done my best to try to feel excitement, and now at 14 weeks am finally getting through very bad morning sickness, we just announced to our kids and family, and started daydreaming about baby names.
Then last night I was exhausted and feeling nauseated, our youngest was up a lot as he has scarlet fever (and only mummy will do, so we can't share), and DH was snoring like a train so i couldn't sleep. Not my finest moment, but at 2am I shouted 'goddamit! Your snoring!', he said what should he do, I said it's ok, I know it's not your fault and went downstairs to sleep on the sofa.
This morning I woke up to an email saying he felt so distant, I am unappreciative and he does not love me anymore. He blames this on my job and says I should quit, but there's no way we can afford to especially with maternity leave coming up. Personally I think that this is still fallout from his depression but he hates talking about that.
After I got the kids ready for school and nursery and sobbed a bit in the shower, he came around to say he wants to fix things etc etc. But I don't even know my own mind. Do I actually want to fix things? Should I be thinking - even if the thought is very scary - about whether to continue with this pregnancy? He's a great dad and the kids and I would love us to all be living as a proper family. However I can't keep on keeping us all afloat financially, emotionally and pretending things are ok with someone who doesn't love me.
Can people even really fall back in love? Should I bother trying to make him?
It sounds to me like you need a rest. You're tired, stressed, rushed off your feet , worried about him, the baby, money. It's too much on one person.
Can you add a couple of days to the Easter break and get some non-rushed time together. Both make an effort to do nice things for each other, get the DCs to bed early, and take some time out. Do you have anyone who can could take the kids for a day or two. And on the good side I think you both want it to be right.
I wouldn't make any decisions while you are in this frame of mind. You sound overwhelmed to me. You need to find someone to help.
He blames this on my job and says I should quit
You sound exhausted. Is he seeking any help for his snoring? Plenty of options available at GP's.
He sounds quite selfish to be honest. He is expecting you to do all the 'shit-work' on top of a full-time job, and do all the wake-ups at night. No wonder you got pissed off with his snoring!
So is he offering to go back to work full-time then? Tell him to get off his arse and get 2 part-time jobs if he can't find a full-time one. And give you a break.
Agree don't make any decisions at the moment but do explain to him that you are keeping everything afloat and have been for a while. If his depression is better, it's time he stepped up.
Plus all the stress with your Mum
I think it's very weird you work all the hours and then come home and put the kids to bed. Could you maybe rotate nights ie he does bedtime one night then you do the other? Then you get a night off.
He doesn't sound very supportive tbh, maybe he is depressed but it doesn't give him the excuse not to do anything to support you. A lot of mothers have PND and still manage to look after their babies, he needs to make more of an effort to support you. You're clearly worn out.
I'd probably be leaving him tbh op. He needs a kick up the bum.
He'd have to get a full time job and pay maintenance and you'd probably get every other weekend off to chill out.
It's been a rollercoaster and the rollercoaster doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon. As a household you all sound exhausted.
And that is a position where decisions are hard and the beauty of walking away from it all makes sense.
I urge you to try and get some time together, potentially without the children if that is possible and try and take a moment to think about who you both are, and what you both want.
I think all the love is being pushed out by all the stuff there is to do, and it sounds like a lot of stuff. And yes you can fall back in love with someone.
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