Help me talk to my husband.(3 Posts)
I am lost and don’t know where to go from here. I have been with my DH for 15 years - married for 13. We have 2 gorgeous children. From the outside we seem like a happy family but from inside we are not.
My DH has worked his fingers to the bone from the start of our relationship. I moved in with him very quickly after the start of our relationship and from day one he supported me as I had a shit job which paid very little. After a year I moved on to a better job and paid my way. Another year later we took on our own business which was unsuccessful, and we also started a family. My DH then went back into the world of employment where he again worked his fingers to the bone whilst I became a SAHM. From the day we met until now my DH has been mainly the sole and sometimes the main wage earner whilst I have stayed at home to raise our children. This has at times been hard but we have made it to where we are today.
15 years after we first met I have completed a qualification and I am working part time and bringing home around £700 a month. We have no childcare costs as I work in education, I take care of the child and the home and my DH brings home good money from his own business. I would say we are comfortable financially, but only because of the hours my DH puts in with the business - which entails my DH working nights.
Now for why I am lost. My DH seems like such an unhappy man and I don’t know what to do to help him. He works nights Mondays through to Friday and gets up early on a Saturday to make the most of the weekend. From the moment he gets up the slightest thing will make him angry. This week I did not hoover the house on Friday (we have 2 cats and a Labrador and I normally hoover every day). My DH hit the roof that I had not hoovered and my attitude towards not hovering was not right either apparently. 2 days previously my DH had taken a rare week night off and unfortunately I burned tea - this was met with such disappointment and anger. My DH never seems happy. He likes to have a joke and take the piss out of me. I don’t mind this occaisionslly but at the moment it seems like all he does is take the piss or shout at me for something I’ve done wrong. If I join in and take the piss back I’m niggling or trying to start something. If I try to talk to him about being unhappy I’m niggling and trying to start something out of nothing. Over our time together my DH has never taken the blame for any arguement. Somehow every fall out or arguement we have had has always been my fault. We have no physical contact as neither of us initiates it anymore (I long for cuddles and snuggles but he has told me many times that no men enjoy cuddling). I sometimes feel he is not happy unless he is shouting at someone - mainly me or our DC. I know he works hard and is exhausted but he seems so unhappy. All he seems to want to do if he has a night off is have a beer - which he is perfectly entitled to. However my DH can not drink just 1 beer. We can’t have a family outing together unless somehow it involves a beer.
I feel like I have described my DH in such a harsh way as we all have our faults and he works so hard to look after our family financially. How do I communicate and resolve issues with a man who refuses point blank to talk ?
Would your husband be open to going to mediation /marriage counselling with you to work through the disagreements in a safe space
Also if he is getting more dependent on having alcohol would he be open to seeing his go for help and support with weening himself off it?
Also if he is getting short tempered/shouting etc he may benefit from anger management or counselling to work out what is causing him to get so angry
Do you and your husband set aside time for the both of you, like a date night where you go out for a meal and a movie or something (it may remind you both of the feelings you both felt for each other when you were dating ,)
I am so sorry. This must be so hard for you. Feeling like you are always walking on egg shells. I would suggest you seek counselling. I don't think he seems ready to hear you. Maybe a third party present will help.
If that is not an option, could you write him a letter and give it to him while you are there. Say everything you say in your note in here. That you can for him and want to see him happy.
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