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kick up the backside needed please

(15 Posts)
inlectorecumbit Tue 06-Feb-18 18:44:30

DD2 has just split with her BF of almost 2 years, he was l thought a nice guy but now l can see his behaviour was a bit controlling and she finally saw the light when she found messages to another female.
She felt the trust was lost and, as she put it, he was a nasty drunk and quite immature she told him it was over.
She is fine BUT
l am totally shattered,- very proud of what she has done but l wonder if she will ever meet anyone else ( she is 22 !!!). I know l am being totally ridiculous but she works in hospitality and awful shift patterns.
She is very pretty (which was part of the problem) but doesn't have much confidence, most of her friends have partners. i just am so scared she will be so lonely.
Can someone please tell me to get a grip and boot me up the backside please. Can l just add that l suffer from anxiety, l have had counselling and am already on medication blush

welcomehome Tue 06-Feb-18 18:52:43

Hey, you're the role model, get a grip!

She's done well. Every relationship is a learning experience. We gain something even if it ends badly. She'll be better equipped to go into the next relationship.

As for the shifts etc. these days with internet dating (with the usual provisos, be aware, meet in public place etc.) it doesn't matter what shifts you work. Plus, the hospitality industry is, er, hospitable! You never know who you might meet.

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 06-Feb-18 19:35:45

She's only 22. She's pretty, she's sorted enough to ditch a controller, and she works in a business where there will be plenty eligible men. Of course she'll meet someone else! grin

Though it wouldn't do her any harm to be single for a while anyway, she'll need a bit of time to clear her head after the last one.

pigeondujour Tue 06-Feb-18 19:42:25

Jesus. I really hope you aren't letting your daughter see that attitude. Her being pretty was 'part of the problem' of her boyfriend being controlling? Still, better an abusive boyfriend than none at all eh? I don't know what anxiety's got to do with it.

AtrociousCircumstance Tue 06-Feb-18 19:44:36

Oh my god. Take a step back.

She’s 22. Support her decision, be her cheerleader and encourage her to have adventures on her own for as long as she feels like it.

You’re massively projecting. Have a word with yourself.

XmasInTintagel Tue 06-Feb-18 20:06:53

22 is very young to 'settle down', I'd hope my DCs take more time to make sure they have met someone they can spend their life with. Its not surprising she lacks confidence if she knows that you're worried she'll never find anyone who would want her!

Most people do, and she sounds great, so encourage her to enjoy her new independence, and to explore new interests. There's no rush, honestly.

inlectorecumbit Tue 06-Feb-18 20:14:41

Honestly l am so proud of her stance and she knows l have her back totally as does her DF, DSis and DB.
pigeondujour her being pretty was a problem as he hated her male friends/monitored her FB and Instagram and would never allow her to come home from a night out without him picking her up.... I didn't know this until Sunday night.
I have had terrible anxiety since an incident when l was 13. Usually l can control it, but this happening has brought back memories from long ago and my "normal boring" life is out of sync. I find myself scared for the future, l want to sort her life out for her---totally unreasonable l know.
DD herself doesn't want a BF for now, she wants to enjoy being single. She wants to reconnect with her friends and have fun.
Honestly she doesn't see my anxiety and she knows l am supporting her decision.
Everyone thank you for giving me a proverbial slap.

AtrociousCircumstance Tue 06-Feb-18 20:18:47

Have you had any therapy to help with what happened to you when you were a kid OP?

It sounds like you’re insightful about where your anxiety comes from and that will help you keep a sensible separation between your stuff and your DD’s stuff (which is actually awesome at the moment - she’s out of a bad relationship, had the strength to make a change and is excited for her future).

Maybe you need some nurture and care to help heal what happened to you flowers

inlectorecumbit Tue 06-Feb-18 20:52:03

Atrocious l really love your name. I have not had specific counselling as l never revealed it to anyone apart from DH.
My DF was in a very serious car accident, l was sent to my DParents neighbours house to stay while my DM went to the hospital. The neighbours son was told to entertain me/ keep my mind off things and he sexually abused me/attempted rape l suppose that night.
I told no one as my DF was critically injured and was in hospital for months, my DM had enough to worry about and the neighbours were very supportive to her at that time.
I remember every detail of that night.... l felt dirty that no male would ever want me....
Sorry this is not the point of the thread but quite cathartic to write out

AtrociousCircumstance Tue 06-Feb-18 21:01:53

Oh OP sad That’s so horrific. That’s huge. There was nothing dirty about you, you were the innocent victim of a crime. A horrific crime which took place when you were terrified for your dad sad

You deserve therapy and care - to reach out to the injured child you were who went through something so awful.

AtrociousCircumstance Tue 06-Feb-18 21:03:13

And I think, actually, this is the point of the thread. You have every right to process what you went through. Your DD is absolutely fine but you need care, support, love and the chance to talk it all through.


CapricornWithAUnicornHorn Tue 06-Feb-18 21:05:35

Pretty girls are never lonely OP leave her to it. After that twat of an ex bf I wouldn't be surprised if she laid off men for a year or two grin

This is your time to have girly nights and watch rom coms while eating crap together wink

Puppymouse Tue 06-Feb-18 21:10:45

Mum is that you?! OP seriously, my mum had me on the shelf at 23. I threw myself at any man who'd have me, including DH who I moved in with within three months just to have a relationship. Boy was I lucky he was genuine. Other issues, but that's a separate thread. Just be there for her and be glad she's shrugged off a controlling man and onwards and upwards!

inlectorecumbit Mon 12-Feb-18 11:12:53

Me again
How can l help her heal. She is grieving for her relationship which is normal while he in on Tinder and posting on every available social app photos of him out with mates having a great time. Even tho she blocked him her friends (thinking they were helping) tole her and have shown her this.
She is at work and struggling but refuses time off, l know it is early days but l hate to see her so destroyed.

Atrocious l sought counselling and luckily got an appointment tomorrow afternoon- thank you

makeitso Mon 12-Feb-18 12:00:13

I met DH at 22. I didn't realise I was so close to being left on the shelf --a----nd I'm not even pretty --

But more seriously please have some counselling. That is a horrific thing to have gone through at that age by yourself thanks

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