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Is there a right and wrong here?

(10 Posts)
ImSoUnoriginal Sat 18-Nov-17 22:30:08

My ex partner is still living here (for various reasons I won't go in to) but will be leaving in a few months. We have a 21 mth old son. I talk about buying things and doing things for him and my ex gets v annoyed. For example, I will say 'oh I need to buy him some new shorts next summer' and ex will tell me I should be saying 'we' as it makes it sound like he won't be around/ won't contribute. I have no doubt he'll be around etc but say 'i' as it's something I have just thought of and since we are no longer a couple, it seems odd to be saying we.
Apparently this is going to have an effect on our son, if I keep saying this and it pisses him off. I tried to explain my point of view (as I have here), which I think is quite rational but he just tells me I'm 'justifying it'.
It's just a slip of the tongue, I'm not trying to be in control or nasty. Does it seem that way to you?

MsHarry Sat 18-Nov-17 22:57:56

I would say "I" too and I am married. I say it because I'm the one who physically goes to the shop! I think he's probably just stressed about the situation, maybe feeling insecure about his part in his son's life.

user21 Sun 19-Nov-17 06:08:39

Why are you talking about buying shorts?

It sounds to me like you’re deliberately trying to make him feel pushed out.

ImSoUnoriginal Sun 19-Nov-17 08:02:29

User21. I wasn't talking about buying shorts, it was a random example. Could have been a Christmas present or socks or anything.
I'm not deliberately trying to do anything. It's a subconscious thing. I don't think 'oh I must say I, as that will upset him'. He seems to think that supports his point.
However, I would also say, I'm going out 'I' need to buy some milk, 'i' will pop out and get some bread, 'I' need to pay a bill. He doesn't question that and to me, it comes from the same thought process. I'm not trying to upset him and I have been trying to say 'we ' but I just forget.

Cupoteap Sun 19-Nov-17 08:09:31

Start using ‘we’ for some big expensive long term things and he will soon object.

He’s being a dick to pick a fight

Namechange90 Thu 23-Nov-17 00:18:36

Next time you need something for the child ask ex can you buy this for child. If you can’t I need this for child just make him buy it all. Thanks what I’d do x

HeddaGarbled Thu 23-Nov-17 00:32:31

Just because you are invited to an argument, doesn't mean you have to accept. You are splitting up. Don't get sucked into these stupid and trivial arguments. Just say "OK" and then don't give it any more headspace.

user1493413286 Thu 23-Nov-17 20:48:44

I think you’re being fair enough; I’m with my DDs father but I often say I need to buy x,y or z for her because the likelihood is that it will be me physically buying it.
However I think he’s just trying to make an argument/point; perhaps he’s worried about not being involved in daily decisions when he’s moved out.

ZombieVampireHedgehog Fri 24-Nov-17 16:40:28

Is he going to be moving out in the near future? That situation must be confusing for DC as they'll think you're together at such a young age.

Do you think he's not over the relationship as he's referring to you as we?

I would think to have a conversation something like, I was thinking about what you said the other day about this 'we' business, but we're not a we and it's going to confuse DC as both of us are separate entities.

ImSoUnoriginal Fri 24-Nov-17 22:31:51

Thank you for your replies. I hadn't checked back in a while as I thought it was a bit of a dead thread by now.
Hedda, you are right and most of the time I try to do this but sometimes he just gets to me. I guess I feel attacked, so try to defend myself or explain myself, is probably a better way of putting it.
He has no money currently so won't be buying anything for our child in the near future.
Thank you User, you are probably right. He won't be involved in small daily decisions, if he's not here I'm certainly not going to consult him on silly little things. I will obviously talk to him about all the important stuff. He will be seeing him often.
Zombie, he will move out in the new year, I guess, now. I know what you are saying about confusing our child but I'm hoping (since he's v small still) it won't have too big an impact on him. He is the main reason I'm trying to keep things as civil as possible. If we hadn't had him, I would have happily never seen my ex again but I try v hard for his sake. There are a hundred more incidences, where I manage to keep my mouth shut but sometimes it just feels like I have to say something or he will always assume I think he's right, which can lead to further problems down the line.

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