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Feeling so fucked up ;(

(6 Posts)
Suchatrainwreck Tue 07-Nov-17 19:25:25

I just found some of my old blog posts from when I was about 21. I was with a guy who had a 2 year old DS, he only saw him 24 days a year and he resented those days. I actually asked on my blog post if he was being a dick for not wanting to see his own son. What the hell was wrong with me?! What kind of a dickhead person makes a baby (regardless of how said baby was conceived) and then doesn't want to see them?! Why the hell did I waste a year with him, break up with him when he raped me and then get back with him after over a year apart, stayed with him for another two years, got engaged, and planned a wedding (twice- it got delayed) before finally seeing the light again?!

Gosh I was such a fucking idiot. My now DP was my best friend for many of those years, why did I not see this amazing person right in front of me!! way back then?! He stood by me through the whole time, listened to me every time I had a row with my partner, didn't bad mouth him or anything just stood by me and supported me whilst knowing full well he was in love with me, watching me become more and more of a train wreck with this guy who didn't deserve me.

I'm such a fucking idiot! I still haven't learnt! There has been so much fall out from all these fucked up relationships. My Dad physically hit me, tried to strangle me and threw me out more times than I can remember from the age of 13 - 16. At 16 I moved in with a guy who frequently raped me because "if I loved him I'd fuck him". I only moved out because I was fed up of being thrown out by my dad. I then came back home after a few months then moved back in with my bf at 18 when I went to uni. I quit uni, broke up with him, moved away for a few months and then went back to uni the following September. I missed most of my first year of uni, stayed in my room crying and cutting myself. It was my 2nd year of uni I got with this guy who had the 2 year old. Gosh his two year old was absolutely adorable but the way his father treated him was appalling. And why did I allow that to happen? I should've protected his son from him instead of naively and stupidly standing by his side!

I feel so fucked up and I've never dealt with all these feelings. I frequently end up angry and lash out at DP even though he's done very little wrong (mostly miscommunications). And for a while he just took it, let me use him as a punch bag. Lately he's started lashing back (I don't blame him) and we shout really hurtful things at each other that we don't mean and then end up feeling so shitty afterwards.

He's such an amazing person and I feel like I've told screwed up again. I want to work through things and help us move forwards but I've no idea how to even begin to work through these feelings. It's not him I should be angry at, I'm angry at my ex's, I'm angry at my Dad and I'm angry at the friend who took advantage after dad through me out and sexually assaulted me knowing full well I had nowhere else to go that night. I don't want to feel this way any more. DP doesn't deserve this abuse!

I feel totally and utterly broken sad I'm fed up of feeling angry, hurt, suicidal and totally fucked up!!

BrandNewHouse Tue 07-Nov-17 21:14:10

You really need counselling.

You also need to stop punishing yourself for the past- learn yes, punish no.

You could begin by saying what you said He's such an amazing person and I feel like I've told screwed up again. I want to work through things and help us move forwards but I've no idea how to even begin to work through these feelings. It's not him I should be angry at, I'm angry at my ex's, I'm angry at my Dad and I'm angry at the friend who took advantage.
Commit to working through them, at least mentally.

Needmorehands Tue 07-Nov-17 21:19:25

You have been through so much, of course you are hurting. You have been through so much abuse, you are continuing the cycle to yourself sad Please be kind to yourself. Take the time to look back through your history and concentrate on teh right choices you made - you DID leave the ex, you ARE worth standing up for. Maybe you could try to write down your feelings, possibly in a letter to your partner. It is often easier (I find) to write than to talk as I clam up if I feel like I'm going to cry - not very helpful! And he can't interrupt me if he's reading the letter!
If your partner is as wonderful as you say (and I hope he is, because you deserve a good'un) then he will be ready and willing to learn how you feel and help you put the negative feelings behind you

Suchatrainwreck Tue 07-Nov-17 21:32:57

I've had so much counselling it's unreal sad I have asked my GP to refer me back yet again and am awaiting an appointment.

needmorehands that's a good idea about writing him a letter. I've written him lots over the years but nothing recently. He's away with work at the moment. Whenever he's away I always have more time to reflect on things (and feel totally shit). Perhaps I should take this time and write him a letter to read when he gets back next week.

Needmorehands Tue 07-Nov-17 22:07:03

DH and I were friends for years at uni - he had a pretty controlling fiancee at the time, I was living with the biggest mistake of my life - sound familiar? and yet because we know about each other's baggage, and helped each other work through it, I think it has made us stronger (13yrs married this Christmas so still early days!)
If you feel shit when he's away, that should tell you something about how supportive and caring he is. I'm sure he would love to help you break free of your history - it will always be there but it doesn't have to define who you are now. Please be kind to yourself. Find something about yourself that you like, something that makes you smile.
If you are missing him, write little notes - random stuff. DH often rings me at work when he is working away (and cos I'm the boss no-one can say anything - although they roll their eyes when they pass me the phone :D )

Suchatrainwreck Wed 08-Nov-17 19:58:27

I get what you mean about being able to support each other better because you know the past. I'd never thought of it like that before.

I don't think there's anything I like about myself sad

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