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To think that DH should not be surprised if I were to fall pregnant using the withdrawal method

(94 Posts)
Booboostwo Fri 03-Nov-17 20:28:07

I am sorry if the title is not very clear, I was not sure how to phrase it but this is the long version.

DH and I have two DCs and we had them later in life. I would like a third DC although I fully accept this may be very unlikely at my age. DH does not want a third DC for various sensible reasons (my wish for a DC is more hormones over head!). I appreciate his reasons and I don't think one partner can decide to have a DC on their own so we are not TTC.

Due to a series of health issues I can no longer take the pill which I had been taking for decades, the coil doesn't work for me and we decided to use condoms. DH then decided he does not like condoms and uses the withdrawal method. We've been having sex using the withdrawal method for about a year, although we don't have sex that often due to having young DCs.

I am fine with this, I accept the withdrawal method is not reliable but I don't mind falling pregnant either. However DH surprised me recently by, coincidentally, saying that were I to fall pregnant he would expect me to have an abortion. By 'expect' I don't mean that he would force or coerce me, but more he thought it would be reasonable for me to have an abortion and assumed I would think the same.

I believe that access to abortion is a woman's right. I had an abortion when younger but that was because of a contraceptive failure and with a casual partner when I was relatively young. This time i want a DC so I don't think it reasonable to assume I would even consider an abortion. DH was quite surprised by all this, should he have been? If one partner wants a child and the other doesn't but it's the one who doesn't who chooses the unreliable contraceptive method is it surprising that an abortion would not be an option?

flutterby12 Fri 03-Nov-17 20:30:29

He should put a condom on or get the snip!

MaisyPops Fri 03-Nov-17 20:32:58

If he doesn't like condoms he has 4 options

1. Use condoms and get over it
2. Get the snip
3. Use withdrawal and accept the risks
4. No sex

Doublemint Fri 03-Nov-17 20:38:48

Your husband has to take responsibility for his own contraceptive choices (or lack of). If he is willing to have unprotected sex then the result of pregnancy is a consequence he should be willing to accept.

If he can't accept that as a consequence for his behaviour then he needs to use a contraceptive method he is happy with (I.e condoms).

Booboostwo Fri 03-Nov-17 20:43:18

He won't get a vasectomy as he thinks there are too many risks associated with it, which is fair enough by me.

Akire Fri 03-Nov-17 20:44:25

Agree he seems to be saying oh I cant cope with condoms it’s much easier if you get pregemnt to go through an abortion. How stupid is that? You went through childbirth twice he needs the snip or risk a pregnancy. Ant have it all his way

Mxyzptlk Fri 03-Nov-17 20:45:57

It's completely unreasonable of your DH to decide that he "doesn't like" condoms and that a pregnancy caused by his carelessness in using only the withdrawal method should mean you having to go through an abortion.

Now that your DH knows that in the event of a pregnancy happening you would not want an abortion, he can decide if he wants to take that risk or not.
If he is adamant that he wants no DC3, it is up to him to make sure that doesn't happen.

Mxyzptlk Fri 03-Nov-17 20:47:57

What risks are there with vasectomy? More than the risks to you of two pregnancies, long-term oral contraceptive use and abortion?

imokit Fri 03-Nov-17 20:48:16

Not ok.
You've agreed not to try for babies as per his choice - reasonable.
Due to medical problems, you are unable to use contraception yourself, and thus he's had to pick something. Again reasonable.
He's decided that comfort is more important than reliability by picking an unreliable form of contraception instead of condoms/vasectomy. By making this choice he needs to accept that the result may be a baby.
If you get pregnant, it will be down to him and his contraceptive choices. You've made this clear to him, you are not trying to conceive without his knowledge, he needs to accept the risks of a baby or use something better.

Anecdoche Fri 03-Nov-17 20:48:54

you need to be very clear with him that you will not do that so if he is that adamant then he goes back to condoms.

justdontevenfuckingstart Fri 03-Nov-17 20:48:55

He seems to think of abortion as a method of contraception in a roundabout way.

RandomUsernameHere Fri 03-Nov-17 20:50:26

I could have written so much of your post OP! This has been so interesting to read.
My DH also does not want to use condoms. He thinks that as a faithful married couple we should not have to use them hmm. I have never liked being on the pill. I don't have any medical problems that mean I shouldn't take it, but it just doesn't really agree with me. I also want a third DC!
I don't think your DH should be surprised by the fact that you would not have an abortion if you were to get pregnant, absolutely not.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry Fri 03-Nov-17 20:53:40

Seriously? Does he actually understand what he is suggesting? You’d have to go through an abortion b/c he doesn’t like condoms? Disgusting

Booboostwo Fri 03-Nov-17 20:54:19

He then tried to say in a semi-jokey way that he would not parent a DC he had not chosen to bring into the world but I did point out that he would be a pretty crap parenting example to our existing DCs if he left me over the pregnancy and then only had contact with the first two while ignoring the third one. The third DC is entirely imaginary so I was just carrying a point through but I think he got it.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese Fri 03-Nov-17 20:56:52

Um no. Sex often leads to pregnancy - he's surely aware of this and that you'd like another child.

I'd say he's more likely to be wilfully ignoring the facts so that he can do as he pleases.

I hope that when you explained that a termination would not be happening he's had a re think and realised that.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Fri 03-Nov-17 20:57:51

I have always been very clear with all my sexual partners that I was not willing to have an abortion so if they wanted to have sex with me then they needed to be comfortable with that.

It ruled out one night stands for me (total passion killer!) but no one can ever say they weren’t warned.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 03-Nov-17 20:58:56

Because he wants to avoid a medical procedure you should have to have one. He sounds like an arsehole, particularly saying he wouldn’t parent a third. Is he one?

GothAndTired Fri 03-Nov-17 20:59:23

Tell him, without any doubt in your voice whatsoever, than an abortion isn't an option.

Then tell him he either uses condoms or gets a vasectomy. Don't have sex with him again unless he has done one of those things.

Mum2jenny Fri 03-Nov-17 21:01:29

Goth is correct and you should follow the advice given

bastardkitty Fri 03-Nov-17 21:05:46

I think a good compromise would be if you smashed his testicles really hard between two bricks.

DrCoconut Fri 03-Nov-17 21:05:48

Not to be alarmist but I had DS1 as a result of the withdrawal method. If the current situation continues the odds of it resulting in a pregnancy are good. It needs sorting ASAP.

ElephantsandTigers Fri 03-Nov-17 21:05:58

Semi-jokey way? Utter crap. There is nothing funny about saying what he said. I'd be finding it impossible to have sex with such a wanker.

expatinscotland Fri 03-Nov-17 21:06:25

'DH was quite surprised by all this, should he have been? If one partner wants a child and the other doesn't but it's the one who doesn't who chooses the unreliable contraceptive method is it surprising that an abortion would not be an option?'

He's still trying to shirk any responsibility for birth control. Making it all your job and even assigning blame to you for not solving his problem.

'He then tried to say in a semi-jokey way that he would not parent a DC he had not chosen to bring into the world but I did point out that he would be a pretty crap parenting example to our existing DCs if he left me over the pregnancy and then only had contact with the first two while ignoring the third one.'

That's about as funny as a maggot sandwich.

I'd make it very clear to him that you will not trot along to the abortion clinic if you fall pregnant and that it's not even up for discussion. That withdrawal is not a form of contraception so if he doesn't want to use condoms and you fall pregnant, there will be a 3rd child.

And don't let some martyr talk you into how you can use X, Y or Z form of contraception so he doesn't have to take any responsibility. You don't want to use contraception.

So don't.

ElseaLove Fri 03-Nov-17 21:07:58

My DH got the snip after our second child. I had so many problems with hormonal contraceptives and the copper coil but was refused sterilization due to my age and BMI at the time. He took one for the team.
Your partner should take responsibility but I'd also take his half jokey jibes at face value and expect him to leave you if you do fall again.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 03-Nov-17 21:09:15

Wow, he's showing you his true colours, isn't he?

Who knew he was was so fundamentally not a decent person? You?

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