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I don't know where to start

(64 Posts)
NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 19:40:49

I have NC for this as very outing. I don’t know what to expect from this but I don’t know how I can cope for much longer. Please don’t flame me.

I had a relationship with a colleague. It ended up in an ectopic pregnancy. The relationship ended the next day. He got work involved because he tried to stab me with a pair of scissors and the police were involved (long story). It was not a work disciplinary, more welfare concerns for us both.

I was very vulnerable at the time and quite honestly at rock bottom. I then became friendly with another colleague. It felt like he was the only person on my side. He was probably too friendly (touchy feely and at one point he lifted my top up). I didn’t even realise how wrong it was at the time. We then ended up ‘together’. He was a welcome distraction because my life was quite honestly shit. Things turned sour though when I got pregnant. To cut a long story short he made me terminate the pregnancy. He is a manager, I’m not. He told me he would see to it that I was sacked if I didn’t do it. He had made the threat before when we had an argument. Even after the termination he made the threat again and again every time I tried to end it. Or it was some other emotional tug.

In the end, after 6 months, I finally got rid of him and I told work. Work have spent the past 13 months looking at this and he is now facing a gross misconduct hearing. I’m being told he’s fighting for his job.

Today I learn he’s calling my ex as a witness. I have been fighting for some form of justice for so long and I now feel he’s going to get away with it. I will be painted as the problem even though there is text message evidence of everything he did. I asked him to leave me alone. He wouldn’t. He just ignored it all the time. There is no mitigation. I don’t know how I can process this.

Anymajordude Mon 30-Oct-17 20:08:01

You have no choice but to keep fighting. Don't give up. You have text message evidence and hopefully the Weinstein saga will swing opinion to your favour. I know it will be hard and you don't have much fight. flowers

NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 20:12:29

Thank you Any.

I don’t understand why he is doing this. What happened with my ex and the ectopic has nothing to do with him. Even if he thinks I’m ‘mad’ it’s no justification and he was the one who wouldn’t leave me alone.

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

Anymajordude Mon 30-Oct-17 20:18:57

You have his abusive text messages, that's a strength. Do you have a Union?

NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 20:22:38

I have abusive text messages, I have texts of him referring to the hugs, referring to lifting my top up, referring to trying to have sex with me in the work place. But when I am painted out as the problem, even though the hearing is about him, he will get away with it. Even though I asked him to leave me alone and he wouldn’t. I told him I hated him after what he made me do to the baby and he didn’t even apologise.

No union either. Thank you Any.

Anymajordude Mon 30-Oct-17 20:26:48

I wish I was better at this, I don't know employment law. What about directing some bods from another section of Mumsnet over to here of you start another thread and link it? It's so quiet here it's like there's tumbleweed.

LoveProsecco Mon 30-Oct-17 20:30:22

I’m sorry I have no advice but wish you well. I would report your post & ask It to be moved to Employment. There are some very experienced people there who may not use this board


IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Mon 30-Oct-17 20:31:02

I do think if you have those texts, it is all laid out, everyone will see you are telling the truth.
It must be a horrible time for youflowers. Can you take a friend/colleague to the hearing so you have done moral support?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Mon 30-Oct-17 20:31:33

Good idea Love.

Anymajordude Mon 30-Oct-17 20:34:19

Post in Employment and direct them here if you only want 30 days, or post again there and then get your thread deleted.

NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 20:42:12

Thank you all so much. I posted it here so it would disappear. How do I link on Employment board?

I have all the text messages. I have given the full context to each threat. I have produced about 250 pages of screen shots. He tried saying it was me. It never was. I wanted him to leave me alone.

They will paint a picture of me as the problem. Doesn’t excuse his behaviour but he is highly thought of and people think he’s invincible. It’s a male dominated field.

Anymajordude Mon 30-Oct-17 20:59:01

Just post a thread and copy and paste the URL from the top of this page.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Mon 30-Oct-17 20:59:40

He can say what he likes but you have pages of actual evidence which shows the truth. Keep believing in that.

NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 21:05:22

Thank you again. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. The thing with my ex is so different - I could understand if it was a pattern of behaviour. My ex witnessed him hugging me and making silly comments! He should be showing remorse not mudslinging.

I am going to copy the URL now. Thank you.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Mon 30-Oct-17 21:49:37

Just popping over from employment to keep everything here.

Firstly you have done the right thing by seeking support from work who sound like they are doing the right thing in investigating and now bringing to disciplinary. I'd be disgusted if 1 of our managers used their authority in this way, threatening to have some one sacked over non work related issues?

Add to that the messages you have proposing sex in working hours on work premise and general bullying...

I'm so sorry you have had to go through all of this on top of everything else flowers

NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 21:55:13

Thank you Daily. It just makes me feel sick that he’s still not showing remorse. I don’t understand what he’s trying to do by using the thing with my ex. He thought he had that over me when we were ‘together’ as well. He didn’t understand it wasn’t disciplinary. It was so emotionally volatile work had to put welfare arrangements in - it’s a duty of care.

I feel like pulling it. If nothing comes of this he will carry on and probably be worse than before.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Mon 30-Oct-17 22:00:52

Please try not to think like that. He won’t be “worse” as the managers will know what he’s been accused of and will be watching him like a hawk.

NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 22:09:02

The management in his area have sided with him. They all stick together because most of them are just as bad.

I just can’t process this. How can you do that to someone, show no remorse and get away with it? I feel sick.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Mon 30-Oct-17 22:20:25

I think after 13 weeks and numerous evidence presented you won't have the option to "pull it" at this stage.

It doesn't matter that his has your ex involved, that's two separate things. He is a manager and has a management position on behalf of the company (including lots of benefits) which doesn't include pulling up people's tops and threatening them with the loss of the job v abortion.

You process it by realising you were treated very badly at work and hopefully your company are aligning this with the meeting. Little comfort right now but at least you are stopping him from moving on to the next one.

Stay strong and seek support from HR. Talk about it with no one else at work flowers

NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 22:29:50

Thank you. I have close friends who I work with (who aren’t HR) who have supported me through this. HR, with the exception of the investigating officer, have not been great.

I know deep down the thing with my ex has nothing to do with this. Even if I was ‘mad’ it doesn’t excuse what he did. The evidence shows I didn’t provoke him - one time I rang him at a bad time and in response he threatened to bring it into work. It just feels like I’m being ganged up on. Instead of showing remorse he’s still throwing his weight around. He also has 2 union reps fighting his corner.

I have no one.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Mon 30-Oct-17 22:42:47

I bet he does! He will be very worried about his future right now and rightly so.

Just don't get caught "gossiping" or allowing anyone to start a he said she said.

We all now that getting involved romantically at work isn't the best idea (I'm talking about your ex not the manager here) but we also know these things happen, the manager is paid well and is in a position of trust to represent the company and he hasn't done that.

Don't let the work situation deflect what you have been through with the eptopic and termination maybe ask if your company have a mental health/counselling support function or see your Gp for some help in tying it all off to help you.

RebornSlippy Mon 30-Oct-17 22:48:27

Is he married, OP?

NameChange12345678901 Mon 30-Oct-17 22:52:42

Thanks Daily. I won’t be getting involved with anyone at work again! I had interventions after the ectopic after a friend had to remove all my medication (I have had MH problems before - I assume they made me an easy target).
Reborn -* not married, divorced about 8 years ago and reliving his youth. Not sure what that’s got to do with his behaviour either.

RebornSlippy Mon 30-Oct-17 22:56:01

I think it would have a lot to do with his behaviour. Fear of it all coming out and, in turn, his wife finding out, would fuel his fire.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Mon 30-Oct-17 22:58:31

Being married has nothing to do with his work ethic, commitments and company expectations.

Look after yourself NameChange I hope it all works out for the best.

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