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Anyone awake?

(18 Posts)
Jecan Thu 26-Oct-17 01:51:36

Needing some company - found out today my H has been having an affair with someone for nearly 2 years. Sleep isn’t coming anytime soon

Wetwashing00 Thu 26-Oct-17 01:53:51

That fucking sucks, what an arse.
How Did u find out?

Wishforsnow Thu 26-Oct-17 01:54:21

Shit, I'm awake I probably have no good advice but am listening. Can I just add what an asshole he is. So cruel

Jecan Thu 26-Oct-17 02:00:03

He is an absolute bastard but he doesn’t yet know that I know. I need some important paperwork from him & will wait till I’ve got that before I lose my shit.
I was looking on the hard drive for something & found a folder with all his messages to her that he’d saved when he changed phone

Jecan Thu 26-Oct-17 02:02:27

Thousands of them over a year - nearly every night after I went to bed. And when we were on holiday, on our dc’s birthdays, on my birthday when I’m sure we had sex & he must have got back up to message her afterwards. We’ve been together nearly 20 years but I don’t know that man

Wetwashing00 Thu 26-Oct-17 02:04:48

I’m on your level, I’d do the same. Keep it quiet until you have what you need.
I’m sorry it’s happened to u though.
Are you thinking up some revenge?

doubleshotespresso Thu 26-Oct-17 02:05:18

Jecan very sorry you are having to deal with this. I have a weary toddler so am awake with you for hours yet.

Please do chat / vent away.....

2 years is a long time-you must be furious and heartbroken.

brew
flowers

TroubledTribble28 Thu 26-Oct-17 02:07:55

Jecan - you're in a horrid situation but I hope you won't mind me saying that I think you must have incredible inner strength to stick around and get the paperwork you need. Good on you. Have you literally only now discovered the adultery?

Jecan Thu 26-Oct-17 02:15:23

I’m not violent but I was lying next to him in the bed & had an overwhelming urge to slap him while he was asleep. No movie styl3 revenge but I will tell his family exactly what he’s done.
Thanks for the cuppa & Flowers - I can’t be arsed to get up off the couch to make myself one.
Thanks for saying I’m strong - I am. I had such a shit childhood that I’m quite good at coping with stuff. That’s not to say I wasn’t sobbing in the car earlier. I found an email in August that he’d bought condoms - we don’t use them & he said it was “just in case” - so our marriage has been doomed since that moment but he never admitted to anything more than an emotional affair but there’s proof in those messages of so much more. I’ve emailed it to 2 friends to make sure it doesn’t go missing when I confront him.

Wetwashing00 Thu 26-Oct-17 02:22:51

That’s clever, emailing the messages to friends.
I can’t believe some men will do this for years, surely it must be a pain in the arse constantly keeping a secret and being worried it will all come out?
Have you thought about how you will tell him you know?

doubleshotespresso Thu 26-Oct-17 02:23:17

Gosh... what an awful way to come across all this, I really feel for you.

However, I admire you hugely for your amazing levels of reserve and restraint and also keeping your powder dry... If you now have proof, I guess this gives you valid reason to make some tough decisions shortly.

Deep breaths and calm now-surround yourself only with folks who are comfortable with and trust completely...

Do you have any friend you can see face to face tomorrow to get all this talked through for a bit?

Oh and if you were near me I would come round with tea and cheesecake and a baseball bat obvs!

doubleshotespresso Thu 26-Oct-17 02:27:47

How feasible would it be for you to ask him to move out for a bit while you get your head around all this? (Once you have obtained the paperwork you were looking for)

Jecan Thu 26-Oct-17 02:56:18

I haven’t quite worked out what I’ll say to him but it took every bit of resolve not to say anything this eve. He works with her (such a fucking cliche) but I also work in the same building although I’ve never been to the part he works in. Do other people know? I only have a very part time job there but it’s not a huge place. I’m going to ask my colleague tomorrow - we’re friends.

I am so incredibly lucky to have a really good group of friends here (I’m in his home country) as well as good friends in the UK. They are all raging on my behalf and I’ve spoken to a few of them today. It’s just a bit tricky cause I don’t want the dc to find out yet so can only talk when they’re at school or if I’m out the house.

I will be asking him to move out then we need to decide about what happens about the house. I hate living in the country so wouldn’t choose to carry in living here but DC1 is coming up to the equivalent of A levels so it might be better to stay here another 18 months till she’s done.

I’ve tried really hard to get to sleep but the thoughts are just too loud. He’s been a shit father this last year - now I know it’s cause he was so distracted by his girlfriend and now it’s just hit me that he’s doing what my father did to me - choosing a woman over his relationship with his dc. I am nearly non contact with my father all these years later cause I find it so hard to forgive. Wonder if my dc will cope better with me to support them.

Jecan Thu 26-Oct-17 02:57:15

That should say in the countryside. I’m now stuck in his home country till the 3rd dc finishes school in 7 years

lala349296 Thu 26-Oct-17 03:04:09

I'm so sorry doll, you are wonder woman for not saying anything to him tonight x

HashtagTired Thu 26-Oct-17 03:12:10

shock
You are strong to not say anything but it’s absolutely the right thing to do!
Can you take some financial advice before you tell him too? I mean, you may decide to stay together and all that, but as soon as the cats outta the bag things might get messy. Might it be worth to get all your ducks in a row before you share the discovery? So, so tragic though. Men are tough. We think we know someone and they go and do something like this wineflowers

VinIsGroot Thu 26-Oct-17 03:18:53

Wowser you are doing so well...keep ducks in a row!sort asap as DD needs to know and you guys need to encompass life!!!

doubleshotespresso Fri 27-Oct-17 10:49:14

Gosh Jecan this all sounds horrendous-I honestly cannot believe you have lasted this long without exploding-I take my hat off to you- stay strong....
flowers

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