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Just what’s the point. I give up

(8 Posts)
WhatIsThePointOfANYTHING Tue 24-Oct-17 17:25:10

I’ll get straight to the point. I have ASD

I’ve hidden it for years and years. Well I THOUGHT I had. Thought I masked it, thought I coped. I tried so hard. Had a shit childhood and DM clearly embarrassed of me and never wanted me ‘labelled’.
Turns out everyone had suspicions about me. I mistakenly was shown a document about me and it’s horrible. Everyone has seen it, everywhere I go now I’m judged for the wrong reason, obviously how I am has been totally misread.
I don’t want to go into details. I won’t. I can’t.

All I want is to say I’m so upset. I tried so hard to act how I thought I should. I try so hard with everything and it all goes wrong and it’s me, it’s my mind, it’s how I do things, how I think, how I feel, how I act. Sometimes I hate myself I just wanted to fit in.
I needed to get it out. I’m embarrassed of myself

JamPasty Tue 24-Oct-17 17:38:13

Hugs and flowers. Shed loads of people have ASD - you're not alone I promise

WhatIsThePointOfANYTHING Tue 24-Oct-17 22:02:58

I just feel so thoroughly sick of it
My mother said to me today (after mentioning something she saw in her paper) “aren’t you glad I wasn’t the one to seek a label out for you? It did you a favour you grew up without the stigma”
Followed by “but if I’d known I could get money for you (dla) I would have got you assessed then as it would have come in handy..”
Oh thanks. So I was an embarassment but it would have been worth it for cash??

Mosaic123 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:25:16

That's not a nice thing to hear from your own Mother. No wonder you feel so upset.

JamPasty Wed 25-Oct-17 08:26:18

That's pretty crap behaviour from her! I'm not surprised you're upset with her for that!

Stuffofawesome Wed 25-Oct-17 08:37:42

Don't be ashamed of who you are. I am sorry you have not had the support you needed because of her misguided thinking but I hope you can find it now. Be kind to yourself you deserve it.

WhatIsThePointOfANYTHING Wed 25-Oct-17 16:38:29

It’s just the whole thing of wanting to fit in, trying to fit in, thinking I DID fit in then realising I don’t and the embarrassment. That and the general tone of my mother about it
I just want to retreat and hide away for things, to get myself somehow back to where I feel ‘level’ again as when things go wrong everyting is just totally scrambled in my mind I feel like I need to reset myself in ways I know how to as if I keep getting stressed or being exposed to things that make me worse then I can’t calm down I don’t know how to explain it

Stuffofawesome Wed 25-Oct-17 17:57:17

Retreating sounds like a perfectly normal response and one that some with asd need regularly to reset. The autism society might be of use to you also if you haven't watched the documentary with Chris Packham on iplayer that discussed how exhausting it is to have to work so hard to fit in it is worth a watch. Also touches on how neurodiversity is being appreciated in some areas of society. Figure out what it is you need to not just survive but to thrive (stopping listening to your mum might be a good starting point)

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