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Who do I turn to?

(6 Posts)
MissTeBe Sat 21-Oct-17 14:38:15

I am in the process of divorcing my stbxh

He is a nasty, controlling man

However, he is telling me I’m abusive and controlling because I am trying to find out what the plans are next week regarding our children

He had told me he wanted them for the half term week

Then he didn’t

Now he does

Because I’ve asked for him to let me know when he will have them and when I will have them, he’s saying that’s controlling, abusive behaviour

Is there anywhere that’s completely impartial that I can take my phone and gave them read through the entire contents for me to see if that is truly the case or if just being played?

BishopBrennansArse Sat 21-Oct-17 14:41:31

You are completely reasonable. For the children’s sakes they need stability and ever changing are we seeing dad/aren’t we is not in their best interests. He needs to stop messing with arrangements to spite you.

I think you should get the arrangements for the children on a formal setting and nowadays you have to try mediation first, I believe.

innagazing Sat 21-Oct-17 15:25:36

You're right- he is a nasty controlling man.
He's still being nasty and controlling to you, by refusing to let you plan your time, and the children's.
You're in a no win situation until you formalise the contact arrangements either through mediation or court.
Personally, I'd arrange to go away for half term with the children, and enjoy a relaxing break somewhere until the day before they go back to school. You've given him plenty of opportunities to negotiate dates, and it will send a clear message to him that he has to plan reasonably, and in advance. If he wants the children let them go to him the day before they go back to school.

youarenotkiddingme Sat 21-Oct-17 15:38:30

If someone ask you

"Am I controlling because I'm trying to arrange what days my kids are going to holiday club/ friends/ grandparents so I can plan family time around it" ......

What would you say?

Stop telling him to "let you know when he's decided" and say things like "I think it's a great idea the kids spend half a week with each of us. Do you want Sat - Tuesday or weds til sunday?"

Ignore any of the "you're controlling" shit and if that's what he comes back with repeat question. Do you want......?

If he keeps trying to get into the it's you controlling then simply sate in that case mediation is best. Take all information of what he's said.

Easier said than done but he wants to drag you into an argument as "proof" you're unreasonable (e.g. You understandably lose your rag) so avoid an argument and don't engage in discussion.

MissTeBe Sat 21-Oct-17 15:44:57

We have mediation on Thursday

That should be interesting

Twillow Sat 21-Oct-17 16:24:36

youarenotkiddingme

Great advice. Abusive ex's cannot be trusted to negotiate the way a normal person would. Do not even attempt it. Stand your ground.

Do not let yourself be manipulated and do not let him cause you to doubt yourself.

Be careful in the mediation. He will probably be desperate to prove you are the 'bad party'. Think only of the future and what you want to achieve, do not be dragged down to his level. If you feel you need to defend yourself try saying to the counsellor something like "this is making me uncomfortable" or "I'm not seeing how this will help us move on" .

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