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WIBU not to tell DH about A&E trip?

(46 Posts)
sizeofalentil Tue 03-Oct-17 19:48:28

Husband is away on business trip. He's very stressed and keeps telling me he's having chest pains and is miserable and wants to come home. He is the other side of the world, so can't come back even if he wanted to. He'll be there until Friday.

One of his biggest worries is that I'm 28wks pregnant and home alone. Have told him I'll be fine etc. and am quite enjoying the time without him tbh.

Trouble is, I had a weird, freak semi-serious accident this morning and had to spend half the day in A&E / maternity triage for tests. It seems like I'm fine, and the baby is fine, but an unrelated health issue was discovered during their tests. One that sounds scarier than it is, and I've always suspected I had but doctor's wouldn't test for. And will require further tests etc.

Telling him will only cause a load of stress and there's nothing he could do anyway. But he will be really upset that I didn't tell him if I wait until he gets back.

Would I be unreasonable to not tell him until he's back in the UK on Friday?

I'd rather not tell him at all, but it's in my maternity notes and I have to go for follow up testing about the health issue

(He also might have to go away again when I am 32 or 34 wks pregnant. So telling him this will give him a mini breakdown. I posted about it in AIBU if you want to check posting history and see me getting torn a new one there grin)

Mamabear4180 Tue 03-Oct-17 20:06:33

YANBU it sounds like he's not great at coping with stress anyway, assuming it's not urgent I'd leave it until Friday. Hope you're ok OP flowers

KoolKoala07 Tue 03-Oct-17 20:07:54

I'd wait until Friday. flowers

sizeofalentil Tue 03-Oct-17 20:21:35

Thank you both.

I'm actually fine tbh. I find it a lot easier to cope/get on with things when I'm on my own, and I don't have an audience/people fussing.

If it was down to me, I'd give birth in the cupboard under the stairs like a cat grin.

Would you tell him at all? I'm not 100% sure I can be bothered with how stressed it'll make HIM feel that I had to go to A&E.

woundedbutwalking Tue 03-Oct-17 20:21:37

I had bleeding at 8 weeks and didn't tell my hubby I was going to hospital- he was other side of the country at a job interview & I didn't want to wreck his chances. He completely understood & was grateful I didn't put the extra stress on him...

Miserylovescompany2 Tue 03-Oct-17 20:26:09

Friday - then you can tell him face to face.

He sounds pretty wound up already, telling him now would likely tip him over the edge. Then you'd have 20 zillion questions fired in your direction - which you need like a hole in the head right now...

Spend the time taking it easy and puttig your own emotions first - time to process flowers

sizeofalentil Tue 03-Oct-17 20:26:51

woundedbutwalking - I hope everything was ok for you in the end. That must have been very hard for you flowers

wheresthel1ght Wed 04-Oct-17 03:14:39

Wait til he is home and he can see you are OK op.

SandBlue Wed 04-Oct-17 04:23:31

Wait til he's home, but you may find you need to keep justifying the decision.
DS1 was blue lighted to hospital from school. DH had just started a new job in a new country. I didnt tell him til we were home (overnight stay, DS2 farmed out to friends til my mother could arrive). I spent a lot of time telling various people why Dad didnt know what was going on.
We were home before DH could have got to us.

Charolais Wed 04-Oct-17 04:42:24

I NOT tell him.

SeaToSki Wed 04-Oct-17 04:49:21

Quite frankly I would be making a GP appointment for Friday for your DH to have his chest pains and stress looked at. If he is going to look after you and the new DC, he needs to be healthy and strong mentally. The newborn days just add to the stress of life. If and when he is checked out by the GP and is managing his MH, then tell him whats going on with you and then he can support you fully without you worrying about its impact on him. Hope all turns out to be nothing significant.

picklemepopcorn Wed 04-Oct-17 06:17:54

Don't tell him. When you do, minimise it.
"Oh I had to have a quick check at the hospital while you were away. I'll have to have a follow up appointment later, which is a bit irritating."

I had a car accident and was carted off in an ambulance. I didn't call DH until I got to hospital two and a half hours later. No point worrying him when there was nothing he could do.

sizeofalentil Wed 04-Oct-17 07:17:43

Quite frankly I would be making a GP appointment for Friday for your DH to have his chest pains and stress looked at. - Not to sound harsh, but I'm really reluctant to start making his doctor's appointments for him tbh, as well as my own. Otherwise it'll become another job I'll 'own'. I'm of course strongly encouraging him to do it.

Also… I'm taking it with a pinch of salt. He's now claiming it's the food at the hotel giving him chest pains. Which probably means he is eating food he is intolerant to (now he has free reign and no mean wife to restrict him) or has trapped wind.

AliPfefferman Wed 04-Oct-17 09:53:05

Does your DH always make everything about HIM or only when you're pregnant??

FinnegansCake Wed 04-Oct-17 10:01:17

I agree with the pp who suggested making a GP appointment for your DH. Chest pains should never be ignored. And don't mention your own health problems until he is back home, there's nothing he can do and you would only be adding to his stress.

FinnegansCake Wed 04-Oct-17 10:08:52

I also don't think your DH should be bothering you with his pains/stress when he is so far away and there's nothing you can do either. He should either seek medical attention where he is or, if he feels it doesn't warrant that, shut up about it a bit, but definitely have it investigated when he gets home.

Is he a bit of a manchild, or is this extreme stress a new job/pregnancy related thing?

sizeofalentil Wed 04-Oct-17 19:58:29

Does your DH always make everything about HIM or only when you're pregnant?? - He does seriously struggle to understand that he isn't the star of a one-man show at times tbh. grin

I've banned him from antenatal appointments because he genuinely couldn't understand that the doctor wasn't talking to him/ wasn't going to note down his answers.

Dr: 'Have you had your vaccinations?'

Him, interrupting: 'I'm going away for work so need my vaccinations too'

Is he a bit of a manchild, or is this extreme stress a new job/pregnancy related thing? - He's an extreme worrier but also a tad dramatic/ manchild. Every pregnancy symptoms I've had, he's also had - but worse because his symptoms are inexplicable. Same when I used to get PMS.

If he gets sick he'll be very brave about it, but will sigh dramatically and wear a filthy dressing gown and not wash until I've noticed. If I acknowledge he's sick, and say how brave he is, he'll normally perk up again.

He is genuinely lovely, and very good in other ways: does all the household finances, bills etc. Anything he can overthink and spend ages mulling over -so there is some pluses to his weird personality quirks.

But, by God, it can be tiring sometimes. If I tell him about this, I'll have to spend the next three weeks comforting him as he Googles young widowers forums, or something.

SelmaAndJubjub Wed 04-Oct-17 20:02:46

I've banned him from antenatal appointments because he genuinely couldn't understand that the doctor wasn't talking to him/ wasn't going to note down his answers. Dr: 'Have you had your vaccinations?' Him, interrupting: 'I'm going away for work so need my vaccinations too'

Jeez. Never mind the A&E visit, move house while he's away and don't leave a forwarding address.

Battyoldbat Wed 04-Oct-17 20:03:38

Hmm, sounds like he's in for a hell of a shock when your baby arrives and he's relegated right to the bottom of the pile. Watch out for that.

On your original question, a friend of mine's husband works away a lot. He had an accident last time he was away that he didn't tell her about until he was back, same reasoning, he was on another continent, she couldn't do anything yada yada.
Except the unintended consequence of that is that now she worries whenever he's away because she knows even if he says everything's fine, he could be lying.

sizeofalentil Wed 04-Oct-17 20:07:09

Except the unintended consequence of that is that now she worries whenever he's away because she knows even if he says everything's fine, he could be lying. - This is totally what I'm afraid of. Or he'll refuse to go on any more trips, but use me as the reason. And I'll look like the bad guy.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme Wed 04-Oct-17 20:13:00

He's going to have a horrible shock when the baby is born.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme Wed 04-Oct-17 20:13:21

Oh and if he's having chest pains he needs to seek medical attention now not Friday.

Hassled Wed 04-Oct-17 20:25:16

He sounds exhausting and quite immature and you sound astonishingly accepting of his neediness. But people are right to forewarn you of how he will react when this baby becomes the centre of your world - I suspect his neediness will just feel infuriating then, and he will struggle to cope with his jealousy. You need a long frank talk about all this sooner rather than later.

sizeofalentil Wed 04-Oct-17 20:36:26

I don't think he'll be jealous of the baby, but I do think he's going to be in for a massive shock/struggle a bit. Especially at first.

He's very well-meaning and kind, but you're right when you say he's quite immature.

He found the first three months of this pregnancy, when I had awful morning sickness, really hard because he was expected to take on a lot more than he is used to.

He is the sort of person who would jump up and make you a cup of tea if you asked (although he would get sidetracked and take about 45 minutes to do it), but wouldn't think to plan, make or start dinner if he was off work and you were working, for example.

He would do anything for me - if I asked and gave very specific instructions on how he should do it.

He's lovely, but essentially an overgrown 14-year-old.

sizeofalentil Wed 04-Oct-17 20:36:42

Disclaimer: he is not actually 14.

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