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Dad has let me down again, stuck in horrible marriage

(16 Posts)
Oopsthatstornit Wed 31-May-17 22:12:38

I am feeling very sad.

I'm old, and stuck because can't get a mortgage and stuff.

DH has been a cunt, had an affair and made no effort to make things right.

My dad offere to give me money to escape ,"You just have to ask"

After much angst, I asked for a loan. He said no, he did not like my (quite reasonable, buy a house locally, keep dcs in schools/hobbies) plan, and I should move to live with him. It's three hours from here, no links, no other family. He's difficult.

I am gutted, I'd had a spark of hope, now gone.

Just to be clear, he's elderly but very well off (he tells me) with money to adore and two properties.

Oopsthatstornit Wed 31-May-17 22:13:20

*to spare, not adore!

ChasedByBees Wed 31-May-17 22:27:47

I'm sorry OP. Have you investigated what you would be entitled to on your own if you kick out your H?

Theuselessone Wed 31-May-17 22:51:58


You could go back to your dad, reiterate why you need the money to leave and that this plan is best for you and your children and could his see his way to helping you, perhaps with an idea of a payment plan after you have managed to leave your partner.

However, your post suggests your dad is a little controlling i.e. saying you have to live with him even though it is obviously not practical, would you want to be financially tied/ indebted to him?

I agree with ChasedByBees that you should have a look at joint finances and what you would be entitled to should you leave. You may have to go it alone but it is possible!

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 31-May-17 23:29:35

Unfortunately it sounds as though you married a man, who may not be dissimilar to your father. Controlling and manipulative. If the help were ever no strings attached, he would have helped you without hesitation. Although I do think buying you a house however well off he is really really expecting a lot!

I think it would be a good idea to come up with a plan. Yes, kicking the idiot out or leaving him will be hard. And right now life is hard. You don't need to own your property. You can rent perhaps? Would your father be your guarantor? That would be the sort of help to expect. Could you get a job? Then you'd get tax credits and go to the CSA for child support.

Oopsthatstornit Thu 01-Jun-17 00:22:04

My counsellor agrees, *mummy!

I do work part time, but wouldn't be able to continue, far less increase hours, whilst living here as a single oarent. That's partly why I need to move. I've told my dad this.

He would not guarantee a mortgage: he's now not speaking to me.

Even if I upped my hours, which can't be guaranteed, I wouldn't earn enough for a mortgage, even with equity as a deposit.

Rental properties are like hen's teeth in the area..,

Oopsthatstornit Thu 01-Jun-17 00:30:34

I should add that, many years ago, I took on the care of my sibling' s child, and have care do for him s well s my own dc since, love them both dearly, but needed to curtail work.

He has special educational need and we have finally reached the stage where a specially tailored package is available at his school, so that moving as my dad suggests would be severely deterimental to him. As well as us, s my dad is a controlling nightmare!!

I had just thought I'd made my peace with him after many years, as I've been trying hard with counselling and stuff. And he'd sounded so nice, and like he was going to look after me for once.

He offered the money, that's what really gets me. Then acted like I am a grasping nutter!

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 01-Jun-17 00:41:07

I think you need to devise a plan with your counsellor on how and where to go. I was meaning guarantor for a rental property btw. I also think you may have some personal issues yourself to iron out. You're a grown woman and by the sound of it, are well enough to work. So unfortuately and despite your father having the ability to help, it really is for you to get yourself out of this mess. You say you're "old" but the way you talk about wanting to depend on your father, you sound very young, mid 20's at most.

Do you own the marital house you're living in with your husband?

I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic. I'm not trying to be. It's just you really are looking in the wrong direction for help. Look to yourself, look to your friends, perhaps even your children to give you strength.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 01-Jun-17 00:43:26

Just seen your other post. That's really sad your father doesn't want to help you and pay back your kindness. I can understand why you are so sad. He sounds like a pig and puts far more into context why you should have access to your father's help.

Oopsthatstornit Thu 01-Jun-17 00:51:22

I am much older than that, which is why I can't get a mortgage easily.

I didn't expect to rely on my dad: he offered, then retracted.

I appreciate it sounds pathetic, but because I trusted my husband I made my life accordingly, with joint plans for old age and housing. I see now how fooolish this was.

There is one property to rent in the town I need to be in, and it's not suitable. I'm not being demanding and am prepared for a lower standard of living, there's just nothing.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 01-Jun-17 01:00:41

I know it's not the same. But I could tell you sooo many stories. Such as when I was 21 and at university, my mother said she'd give me her car - an old mini. She didn't want me to take it on my year abroad. But she'd keep it for me. Then when I went to visit her at Easter, she'd sold it and told me she'd match any cash I'd saved up to buy a car. Obviously I'd not really saved from my job and was enjoying being able to buy myself some clothes and books for pleasure and go out for meals sometimes. For the next 3 months until the end of my contract, I lived very very frugally and managed to save £1.2k. I told her how much I'd saved and she too, true to form, treated me like a "grasping nutter" and completely denied any such "offer". I then left for the rest of the summer, met up with the guy I'd been out with once there and ended up going on holiday together and blew the lot. This is one of so many similar stories.

This is how your father controls you. With money. And this is how he infantilises you. Unless and until you decide that the money means nothing to you, he will use it against you. And you will continue to be stuck in the role of child, which is why you sound so young. What my mother did Impacted far less on my ability to live my life, I know, but in the end the result is the same. Control over an adult child.

Your story is very sad and I don't have any answers apart from turning away from this horrible man.. and your husband.

OnTheRise Thu 01-Jun-17 07:55:31

Your father is trying to control you but you're not going to move in with him, so he's failing. Which is good! He is bound to kick off and sulk but you don't have to respond or engage, all you have to do is recognise how badly he's behaving and then do what's best for you.

At the moment you have to focus on making your own life better. That involves not running around trying to please your sulking manipulative father, so you can just forget about him right now. (If you go to you'll find lots of advice on how best to respond as and when he pops up again.)

With regard to the situation with your cheating husband: why do you have to be the one to move out of the house? Why can't he? He will have to provide you with reasonable financial support; it won't be easy but it should be doable.

DisorderedAllsorts Thu 01-Jun-17 08:24:54

Right, don't replace one abuser with another as this will derail any progress your child has made. I say that as a mum of dc with SEN, your child's needs have to come first in any decision that you make now. Your husband and dad's needs don't count anymore, it will do their heads in when they see how much freedom you have now.

Accommodation - your shouldn't leave the house as you have a child with SEN. If not possible, then register with estate agents in your area with your budget & specifications

If your ex leaves the house then change all the locks.

Legal advice - speak to a lawyer asap about divorce/maintenance/finances.

Get your ducks in a row with finances, photocopy all your husband's important documentation (bank/mortgage docs, wage slips, house deeds etc). Gather all your important docs too plus birth certificates & passports for you all and keep well hidden.

Personal finances - open a separate bank account & transfer your wages there if you've previously had joint accounts.

DLA for child - claim it and carer's allowance if you haven't already

Tax credits - again claim if you haven't already

Benefits calculator -

Women's aid -

Stop focussing on your father's false promises and start rebuilding a new life for yourself on your own terms.

Oopsthatstornit Thu 01-Jun-17 21:33:57

Thanks all

I don't want to stay in this house as it's logistically impossible for me to get dcs to stuff if I'm in my own, from here. Plus the mortgage wouldn't be transferred to me. So not a long term option.

I'm disappointed by the loss of hope rather than money.

I'd done a lot of work to be on good terms with my father, accepting his faults, etc. And I feel like such a fool for falling for this latest controlling crap.

He's not been in touch at all since I said no to his idea........

DisorderedAllsorts Fri 02-Jun-17 10:21:58

If you are married you will have rights to any assets including the house. Please do speak to a solicitor and don't be fobbed off by your husband. It can be done cheaply, have a look at the link below.

Oopsthatstornit Fri 02-Jun-17 16:24:19

Thank you, but I'm not in England, so there is a fifty fifty split. There's not very much equity in the house anyway, well not enough to buy a place.

Renting is my best option, but will really struggle to find a property.

I am grateful for all the replies. I am trying to find a way. It's a lesson not to depend on anyone else, I was a person with a really good career before all this.

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