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Can I just say "you'll sit where you're bloody told?" Wedding related (sorry!)

(29 Posts)
fruityb Wed 31-May-17 08:35:16

Due to family fall outs owing to my siblings bloody hot headed nature I am about to snap at someone! My sister is notorious for going straight on the attack and being bloody unpleasant sending vile texts - she would never say it to your face. My brother and her haven't spoken after a fallout two years ago. They've been civil enough at get togethers but it's not been nice. Due to this I had her telling me she wouldn't be sitting near my brother and his wife when OH and I get married this summer. Which I said wasn't fair as I'd want my family together. This week my other brother and my sister have also fallen out over something which resulted in my brother ringing me telling me he wouldn't be coming to our wedding if she was there. I told him this wasn't a fair thing to say at all and it wasn't about them it was about us. He then said he'd come if I could sit him as far as possible away from her. Add to this friends saying they don't want to be near members of our families they've met once and didn't like.

Would it be ok for me to, in not so many words, say "you'll sit down where you're fucking told and enjoy yourself". This is OUR day and I am so fed up of other people trying to call the shots. I told my brother he was being an arsehole refusing to come as it's not me he's fallen out with. I'm also not seating my family at four corners as that'll just look lovely won't it! My siblings are so hot headed and don't think about their actions. We don't see loads of each other though I see my sister more as she lives closer. She's gone mental at me more times than I care to mention but over the years I've learned to just block her number. She can say vile things but it's the fact she acts without ever thinking.

This is about us isn't it? They can eat their dinner without causing a riot surely? Well I know exactly what will happen if they do lol. You can't make demands on where you sit at someone else's wedding!

PovertyJetset Wed 31-May-17 08:37:37

I'm not sure why youre bothering, surely a small wedding without this drama is preferable?

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery Wed 31-May-17 08:39:21

The seating plan was the biggest pain in the arse when we got married. In your situation, I think I would put your siblings at the four corners, maybe one sibling per table if the room set up will allow for it. Friends will have to suck it up, as long as you can manage not to put e.g. raging homophobe uncle next to a same-sex couple. It's for a couple of hours. You can demand civilised behaviour for that long if the only friction is that they don't really click.

Butterymuffin Wed 31-May-17 08:40:21

I'd text all of these people with 'Feel free not to come if you don't like the plans I've made. I'll get on with enjoying my day'. They don't sound very nice.

Mumchance Wed 31-May-17 08:40:49

I get you're frustrated, but telling your brother he's an 'arsehole', and contemplating telling your guests 'sit down where you're fucking told', plus the fact that you and your siblings seem prone to violent fallings out AND your friends are saying they don't want to sit near your family members(!), suggests you are trying to play happy families with a family that is aggressively unpleasant, and it's never going to happen...?

fruityb Wed 31-May-17 08:40:51

This is the thing - it IS a small wedding! And it's already booked and in two months time so not relevant really lol.

The fall out happened this week and I thought the other two would be over it by now.

Only1scoop Wed 31-May-17 08:41:00

Think I'd elope

ShelaghTurner Wed 31-May-17 08:41:29

Or you could go mad and not have a seating plan except for the top table. Let people sit where they want. I agree with the SP was the biggest pain in the arse about planning our wedding.

fruityb Wed 31-May-17 08:43:21

Never violent - it's verbal and on the end of a phone. I get on with my siblings very well and my brothers get on. It's my sister that seems to be the issue but even then we get on most of the time.

And yes I called him an arsehole for ringing me up angry telling me he would not be at my wedding. That's not fair on us at all!

I won't literally say sit where you're fucking told but I expect them to play nice during the day surely!

Donthate Wed 31-May-17 08:45:10

Sit them apart. You'll regret putting them together if they have a barney during the meal.

fruityb Wed 31-May-17 08:46:00

I'm really sad I can't sit my family together because of stupid fall outs over something that isn't even that big a deal!! It is seriously so trivial and stupid that it shouldn't have come to this.

Ratbagratty Wed 31-May-17 08:47:37

Could you not have a seating plan at all? We did this for ours, was brilliant no squabbles, lots of chatting and I got to sit with friends I don't see very often instead of family who live down the road. No one was upset, just made sure to circulate.

Justjibberish Wed 31-May-17 08:48:11

Would it help to think of them each "hosting" a table rather than feeling like you're having to separate squabbling siblings

fruityb Wed 31-May-17 08:59:47

That's a thought - that could work. To be fair we both have such big families we'll have to split people off.

It's not fair is it - I would never place demands on someone else's wedding or refuse to go because someone else is. It's not about you! One day that's about us, one! We're not a very showy couple but we're planning everything to be great. I don't want it ruining - I doubt they would - but I don't want tension or an atmosphere either.

Viserion Wed 31-May-17 09:02:22

I would seat them apart simply to reduce the risk of your sister kicking off.
I got married 15 years ago and I still recall the hell that was juggling people who wouldn't sit together. We were still rejigging seating plans at midnight the day before the wedding.

PaulDacresFeministConscience Wed 31-May-17 09:13:38

How sad that your family are so badly behaved and selfish that they can't put their differences aside for one day.

In your shoes I wouldn't invite any of them - seriously. Weddings are notorious for family hoo-ha. It's a long day, lots of drink involved...I guarantee you that someone will have a few too many and it will all kick off. You'll be on pins all day watching and waiting for it to happen - is this how you want to spend your wedding day?

I'd email them and tell them that the numerous phone calls, demands and carry on has meant that you have been left with no choice but to withdraw the invites and ask them not to attend, as clearly they don't care enough about you to be able to behave for 12 hours. It's passive aggressive but it'll get the message across.

Enko Wed 31-May-17 09:15:55

We had similar as my brother decided to stop talking to our sister a month before my wedding.

Dh and I redid the table plan and placed them at 2 different tables with their backs to one another. Brother tried the whole " I wont be there if she is there" I told him he got to choose who HE spoke with but not who " I " spoke with..

The no speaking lasted 19 years and sadly took my mothers death before they resolved it somewhat.

However yes I would go with sit where you are told but at the same time try to keep the siblings apart. Friends who doesn't like your family? Unless they have blooming good reason I would utterly ignore.

thethoughtfox Wed 31-May-17 09:18:14

We didn't do a seating plan at our wedding so people could naturally sit with who they had fallen into conversation with and the best man could go and sit with his girlfriend who didn't know anyone and would have had to sit with strangers. It worked really well.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 31-May-17 09:18:47

'Hosting tables' is a good way of phrasing it (as long as DP's family also get that role on other tables) if you don't want a "choose your own seats" reception.

Hot-headed and volatile could just mean they like a bit of drama it doesn't mean they're all selfish and unpleasant characters but it's not on to keep bothering you with in-fighting.
I hopw they snap out of it on your big day.

People at funerals who rarely see each other often say how they regret not meeting up in happier times. A wedding is meant to bring everybody together!

Firenight Wed 31-May-17 09:19:11

Sit them apart. I would hate to have to sit with my wanker of a BIL just because he's "family".

blankface Wed 31-May-17 09:20:14

I'd seat them apart and make sure they didn't have eye contact with each other.

With a large verbal warning that if they dared to try to spoil my wedding day with their stupid behaviour then they'd be removed immediately.

Can you arrange anger management or other suitable grow up you idiot course for your relatives that "can't help themselves" because, y'know, they can. flowers

Gingerbreadmam Wed 31-May-17 09:22:13

is it really important for your family to be sat together? i don't realy get that.

You love them all and want them all there but unfortunately they dont get on with each other. If the day goes smoothly keeping them apart then i'd go for that. At least they are there which is important to you and im sure important to them too.

fruityb Wed 31-May-17 09:24:53

Thank you for your replies. Its so frustrating as I don't see my brother and his family often so family get togethers are usually a good time for us all to be together and do the time warp! It's bloody keyboard warriors that do my head in. My sister has been amazing since I had my son last year and totally dotes on him. I get on fine with my siblings but just wish they could get on with each other!

Firm warnings will be given and we'll have to look to mixing everyone up. It's more the food and such for plans as then they know where and who to serve. If we weren't having a sit down meal I'd do away with the plan. I think we'll try and combine our families and see how that works. Worst case it's only for a couple of hours while we eat.

hippyhippyshake Wed 31-May-17 09:35:05

I don't understand why you would want to seat them together when something could kick off and ruin the day. Why would them sitting together snarling make you happy? And apart from the top table I have always thought mixed seating is much more sociable.

Bloosh Wed 31-May-17 09:38:02

I don't get why you would want to force your family to sit together while they are fighting. Just put them on different tables

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