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If I apply for maintenence ex will be pissed off and possibly react badly, is it worth it? Anyone with a difficult ex applied successfully and it not ended in disaster?

(9 Posts)
Oddsocksforeveryone Thu 25-May-17 10:00:34

Don't want to drip feed so will try and briefly explain.
2dc with ex, I don't want to be accused of bad mouthing, 2 sides to every story etc etc. So ill just say he has some problems, can be difficult.
We broke up before dc1 was born, I always maintained contact because I felt it was important. I walked half hour 3 times a week to take baby to see his dad, (because he wouldn't come to me) things were not going well so contact then moved to my mother's house (he kept threatening to take d's, said it was not threat it was statement of fact that he could if he wanted) I spoke to solicitor as was worried, ex didn't know this. At 5 weeks old during a visit he tried to take d's, ended up out in the snow with baby in his arms shouting, no blanket or snow suit on. (He didn't realise my mum had a lock on back gate) police came. Ex told police officer he wanted me done for not letting him leave the house, then when police officer said he was to give baby back he told police officer I was a danger to baby. He eventually put d's in pram and left without him.
Few months later he had not been unreasonable for a while and so I would drop d's off at his mother's house where he lived for a few hours. One day I went to pick him up and ex locked me in his house.
These were a long time ago but probably the best examples of the way he can behave, everything is "the principal" for him and it is never about what is best for the kids.
I was probably an idiot but after a night with ex we had ds2, we were not in a relationship and if I could go back in time I would do it again, I love my boys.
At the time he paid no maintenence because he didn't legally have to add he was at uni, even when he earned £800/month working at the same time.
Now the boys are 5 and 7, I'm married with a baby and another on the way.
Ex now earns somewhere between 24-30,000 I can't remember how much. BUT he gives me money (if he says he can afford it) basically as a reward for my good behaviour!
For a year this has been going on, since he started work. At first he would give me money for things provided I sent him receipts. If I'm nice to him sometimes he'll give me the money, if I'm rude/short /disagree with him, don't let him do the things he wants then I get nothing.
He knows how much he should give, he worked it out online.
Last month he didn't give me anything because he had bills to pay.
He recently moved to other side of the country for work. He has not EVER looked after the boys for a full day on his own, they have spent maybe 5 nights total at his mother's as he comes back once a month. He had demanded they spend a week with him in his flat, after much concern and thought and discussion with my family and his mother we worked out a plan to build up to that. I don't want to do it, but everything just turns into a battle and the fighting stresses me out. So I have agreed to this plan. It's not good enough. I asked if he was giving any money this month, he replied am I having the boys for a week. And because I haven't directly said yes he won't discuss money.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick and tired of arranging visits, planning things and putting myself through stress when he makes no effort. He's due up this weekend and not only messaged me claiming to have no idea what plans for the weekend were as in if boys are staying out not but said his mother had told him nothing about the plan to build up to "his week" I called her and it was all lies. I want to be one of those mothers who just says "get your shit together or none of this is happening and arrange your own bloody contact with the kids" but I guess I can't or shouldn't.
Sorry this is long, maybe I'm just hormonal but what should I do?
Forget about maintenence and juSt suck it up and carry on as is for the kids, or apply for maintenence and see what the fallout is?

Rainbowqueeen Thu 25-May-17 10:07:30

I would apply to csa for maintenance. He is trying to control you and you need to take the control back.
Set up an email account just for him and don't let him contact you any other way. Tell him you want a contact schedule and propose mediation in order to set that up
And document everything, every contact, every call

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 25-May-17 10:08:58

No go straight to CMS - he should be supporting his kids

dataandspot Thu 25-May-17 10:17:26

He's already making you life miserable so not sure how going to csa could make things worse.

He might actually walk away if he has to pay for his children......

isupposeitsverynice Thu 25-May-17 10:29:45

Yep just do it. My ex isn't as awful as yours but we're not best of friends. I found handing maintenance over to csa to be one of the best things we could have done to keep things more amicable, because it's now out of our hands and we just go along with what the csa say - no more arguments about money (except school trips and such...)

Honestly he sounds like such a dick I don't think you have anything to lose

Oddsocksforeveryone Thu 25-May-17 10:33:29

Thanks ladies.
@data I wish he would just see them at his mum's and leave me alone.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-May-17 10:42:10

Blimey, this is a clear cut case for the CSA!

mummytime Thu 25-May-17 10:44:58

You really need to take charge - no matter how difficult he is- this needs to stop.
Contact is for the benefit of the child and has nothing to do with child support. If he doesn't see his children legally he still has to pay. If he pays he doesn't necessarily get to see them, especially if he is a danger to them.

If he makes threats then contact the police.

But yes you should claim the money as it is your DC's money really. If you don't need it day to day then save it for them long term.

StrongerThanIThought76 Thu 01-Jun-17 09:59:12

Cms without hesitation. You don't have a good relationship anyway, it will stop his control over you and might just be the kick he needs to start getting his parenting act together. Stop giving him excuses! Call CMS now!!

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