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How can I help Suicidal Ds

(30 Posts)
NotTodayBillyRay Wed 17-May-17 21:36:21

I've posted about my Ds before, he was getting bullied and spoke about suicide. (Sorry don't know how to link thread)

Well the bullying has stopped as far as I know, I have a webcam cctv up in the front window and the bullies have noticed.

The police are not involved anymore but I had a lovely chat with a PC, he called as my incident had been closed but he wanted to check on Ds's state of mind. If the bullies start harassing Ds in or out of our home he will personally pay them a home visit.

Ds was refused a cyps referral but he is on the waiting list for a counsellor which can take 6-8 weeks.

But tonight he broke down, he was really really crying, said he feels like killing him self but he knows he won't. He doesn't know why he feels like this he just does.

What can I do?? We had hugs and he helped me with our pets then went to bed.

I don't believe he's in immediate danger but how would I know?? Should I ring out gp again tomorrow?? I just don't know what to do

EmmaGrundy Wed 17-May-17 21:54:58

That sounds incredibly hard, OP. I didn't want to read and run, so offer a hand hold until someone more knowledgeable comes along brewcakeflowers

NotTodayBillyRay Wed 17-May-17 23:03:12

Thank you

Oly5 Wed 17-May-17 23:06:18

Oh poor you. I would go back to your GP and tell them what he said. They should be able to speed up the counselling referral. He may also need antidepressants.
In the meantime, keep him close, let him know he has your support and that you're there for him for a throng he's feeling. Hug him. Let him sleep in your bed if it makes him feel safer. Be there

Epipgab Wed 17-May-17 23:17:58

Yes, phone the GP first thing tomorrow, and ask for a same-day appointment. If the receptionist asks if it's an emergency, the answer is yes. Your DS sounds very depressed and needs to be seen straight away. When you see the GP explain exactly what happened this evening and why you're very concerned. How old is your DS? Please let us know how you get on.

NotTodayBillyRay Thu 18-May-17 04:43:09

DS is 10

Our GP opens at 8, so will be calling then. I'm going to keep DS home, school are aware of what's going on so shouldn't be a problem.

endofthelinefinally Thu 18-May-17 04:46:29

If he is being bullied in school take him out.
Dont take the risk. Please.
He is telling you how desperate he is.

fiftyplustwo Thu 18-May-17 05:31:08

I think changing school might be the only option (I've changed school myself back in the day for that matter). I know of someone else not so many years ago where the mum and son temporarily moved out and closer to a school so the son would have the right to enter that other school. I heard the most horrendous stories. What kind of neighbourhood are you in? It might make all the difference. How old is your son? Is he very small? (I was among the very youngest in my class when I grew up, it makes a huge difference if you're almost a year younger than the bullies. This is because those born in early January and those born late in December are put it the very same class and it doesn't matter now but if you're nine or ten there's a huge impact.) Does he do some sort of sport like judo or weightlifting? I didn't but then again I made huge detours not to go straight home at school, to avoid certain underpasses and other (for small bullied children) dangerous places.

Squishedstrawberry4 Thu 18-May-17 05:36:26

Can you home school for a bit?

Jayyfa Thu 18-May-17 05:39:05

Hi, without knowing the situation your son might still be in state of high anxiety / trauma - sounds like bullying must have been really bad if police involved. Don't know how old your son is - CALM have webchat service from 5pm to encourage young men to talk about suicidal feelings and so try and alleviate them. (Just google 'CALM') think they may have professionally trained staff but not sure. Childlike also have an online service and possible to talk to counsellor I think. You could try ringing 'YoungMinds' - they have a phoneline for parents supporting their children with issues like this - they may be able to advise? Sorry you're going through this - sounds very hard for you both.

AdultHumanFemale Thu 18-May-17 06:07:23

flowers for you and DS. Really listen to him, he needs to know that you've got his back. The bullying may have ceased, but the effects will of course be long lasting, and he will need help to process his experiences. In addition, and I am sure you live with this the whole time, the constant vigilance and fear that it may start again is incredibly stressful. Bullying really cuts to the core, and it doesn't take long before one begins to identify with 'being someone who gets bullied', it's so horrendous that it comes to overshadow everything else that makes you 'you'; all the things you enjoy, your strengths, your interest. I wonder if, while you wait for a counselling referral, it might be an idea to find ways of reinforcing DS's sense of self, reaffirming a positive self-image, and literally seeking to support the part of his brain that has the capacity to feel good about himself, however cowed and scared he feels at the moment. My friend's DC suffered PTSD as a result of her abusive marriage, and she was advised to 'love bomb' (this is an actual thing) them by Camhs, which had some positive results. Prolonged exposure to a perceived potentially harmful situation can also play a big part in suffering, even after bullying seems to have stopped; such as living in close proximity to the bullies or attending school together, as there are triggers and reminders everywhere. It is exhausting to be scared all the time, and no good for your body or your brain to be functioning in constant 'fight or flight' mode, if there is no sanctuary where you can switch off.
I really feel so sad for your DS, and hope you both find ways to work and live through this together.

NotTodayBillyRay Thu 18-May-17 07:00:19

Moving isn't an option at the moment, DS doesn't want to change schools either. He has the option of changing his class but at the moment he wants to stay where he is.

DS is 10. The bullying was outside of school but the boys are in his class. They stared harassing him when he was in our garden and hanging around outside being really loud so i called 101 for advice, they logged it as anti social behaviour. One of the bullies is actually being friends with Ds now, they play football together at the park and school so the other bullies don't talk to him.

We've had a chat this morning and Ds knows he needs some help to stop feeling this way, he wants to stop feeling like this. He knows he's loved, he knows he can talk to me anytime.

NotTodayBillyRay Thu 18-May-17 08:38:29

We have a appointment at 9:30

Epipgab Thu 18-May-17 09:24:41

Hope the appointment goes well flowers

NotTodayBillyRay Thu 18-May-17 11:17:53

Well he's been given melatonin to help him sleep and has to go back in 4 weeks to see how he's getting on.

That's it, he can't/won't prescribe anti depressants as it's a social issue(?) and DS just needs counselling.

We should hear back from them in 4-6 weeks hopefully as I called two weeks ago

sureitsgrand Thu 18-May-17 11:34:47

Are there any local suicide prevention teams that could help? These can be very therapeutic and can really make a difference. I lost someone to suicide this year, and sadly I was the only one who believed him that he was suicidal. By the time we got him help he had made his decision and it was too late. So I am probably over board about this but if anyone tells me they are suicidal again I wouldn't leave their side.

whataboutbob Thu 18-May-17 12:28:29

There has been good research showing that bullying can have enduring negative effects on mental health. Download and print this article and show it to your GP:
onlinelibrary.wiley.com/store/10.1002/pnp.402/asset/pnp402.pdf;jsessionid=B6CF975B00B6981A3C0FDC39767FAB66.f03t04?v=1&t=j2ubvt3l&s=e00f4fa2845c5e1c308f5a549481b363beab262e
My brother was relentlessly bullied at school and he had crippling depression. The difference, I hope, with your DS is my parents ignored the problem didn't act until it was way too late. You are taking action now. If your GP chooses to ignore this and not refer on to psychology/ counselling/ psychiatry, point out that that is likely to be stoking far bigger problems for the future, which WILL have cost implications for the NHS and social care. Don't be fobbed off!

NotTodayBillyRay Thu 18-May-17 13:35:19

DS won't talk to anyone, he nodded and shrugged his shoulders at the doctor earlier. He point blank refuses to talk to anyone on the phone.

I feel like I'm banging my head on a wall with doctors, I'm sure they are doing everything they can. But feel they'll only take Ds seriously if he hurts himself, and I'm determined he's not going to get that far.

He said he doesn't know why he feels this way, it's not the bullying and it's not grief (his grandad died two months ago and they were really close).

rizlett Thu 18-May-17 13:45:21

I know your Ds is only 10 and you have stated he won't talk to anyone on the phone but might he consider talking to the samaritans?

They just listen and are very experienced in this area and it might also help you to talk to them - especially as we often feel so helpless in this situation.

It is very difficult for loved ones when people talk about wanting to take their own life but keep talking whenever he wants to op - it's also important to allow him to express those feelings without us telling him how we feel about it.

rizlett Thu 18-May-17 13:48:12

It's also ok that he doesn't know why he is feeling like this. Sometimes there just isn't a 'why'.

Lostbeyondwords Fri 19-May-17 09:45:46

OP, sorry for your recent loss flowers Kids can get confused and not even know what is bothering them but we know as adults, if you're close to someone who passes it DOES hurt and it does bother you.

It doesn't matter that the bullying is taking place outside school if they are at the same school, I might have missed it but it doesn't sound like the school are being very helpful. Do they have a child protection team or counsellor he can speak to (or not speak to, just to assess him or keep an eye on him)?

Regardless of if they leave him alone at school he has to see them every day and the school should be more concerned about that imo. At one point my ds, from around the same age, was very low, I still to this day have only a vague idea why. But I was very worried I would find him one morning having done something dreadful. The school arranged an assessment and a point of contact at school, someone he could talk to if and when needed. It actually really helped him- and he didn't see the need to talk or even know how to pinpoint the problem.

If your ds won't speak to someone, how is he with computers? You can email samaritans or write them a letter, it doesn't have to be speaking to them. Now just from experience, I've always told my dc they can talk to me about absolutely anything, I don't judge. But there have still been times they've been unable. I think sometimes when they know you love them that much they don't want to upset you by telling you their woes, so I've found that sometimes some gentle prodding can reveal a few things you can try to work with.

I hope you can get to the bottom of this with him, I know you must feel awful and worried for him but you're doing the right trying to get him help. I hope you can find some maybe through another avenue or quicker than the few weeks you've been told so far.

NotTodayBillyRay Fri 19-May-17 09:58:45

Sorry I'm sat here crying, again.

His school have actually been great, at first they weren't helpful but after me breaking down in them crying (it's all I do!) they are taking it very seriously. They have offered a mental health counsellor they have access too but the wait for that is even longer.

He has a teacher he can go to at anytime of the day, she is our pick Tod contact. also he can go and see the head teacher. To just sit and have peace or to talk. He was given access to a TA that is a trained counsellor but she pressured him to talk and he refuses to see her now. Ds is not a talker, he likes to be left alone so he has hand signals with some teachers so they know how he is (thumbs up,down or shaky hand meaning so-so).

I am in email contact with his point of contact as he doesn't want the attention me going into see her brings from other pupils. They have said he can change class at any point but he doesn't want to, he just hates attention.

He took his first dose of melatonin last night and he said he slept more, but he had been at football training for 2 hours so that might have been the cause!

Thank you for everyone's advice and kind words. It really means a lot as I have no one to talk to that understands.

Lostbeyondwords Fri 19-May-17 10:28:00

Oh that's a good start at least. Don't worry about crying just do it, sometimes you have to, no shame in that. You can't control how ds feels only your reaction, and your reaction has clearly been to worry and try and help him - just as it should be. You're doing great OP, it's hard, children that age haven't learnt how to express everything they need to so it's understandably confusing for them too to feel that way.

whataboutbob Fri 19-May-17 17:16:32

I agree with lost , you are there for him, that is so important. As I mentioned my brother felt unsupported by my parents and that probably made things worse for him. He might not know how to/ not want to express his feelings but your help is vital to your son. I also think it's good you are taking his cues and not being obtrusive especially at the school- but still very much present and involved.

Epipgab Sat 20-May-17 19:39:39

How are you and your DS today?

flowers

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