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Why am I so upset?

(7 Posts)
Oulavache Sat 13-May-17 23:51:01

I have been with my dh for 24 years. We have teenaged children. He has a dd from a previous relationship. She is 26. Their relationship was tricky throughout her childhood. Her parents hated each other and she came out worst off in their battles. I found her very easy and good as a child but in her teens she took against me, I assumed because I was the easiest to target as not a parent. We worked around it, I didn't push it nor took offence. In her later teens and early twenties she turned on dh, she was vile and vicious towards him and his family and caused a lot of hurt. She has been this way to dh as recently as 6 months ago (contact has always been sporadic). Then she decided to repair her relationship with her dad but with no reference or acknowledgment (or apparent memory) of prior behaviour and with no desire to repair relationships with anyone else. He is (understandably) thrilled. I have a problem with this. When she hurled abuse at him I defended him, I consoled and comforted and reassured him that he was not those things she insisted he was. Since her benign reappearance he is like a man newly in love. He will move mountains to accommodate her requests, at the expense of me and our children (and his work). I found this hard to handle and suggested we take a break while he works out his priorities, he begged that we try counselling instead. We have had one session where he cried and said he loved me and our children and didn't want to jeopardise our relationship etc. I was away with work yesterday until the afternoon and arrived home to a message from him to say he has gone on a weekend break with his daughter (first I heard of it). He will be back on Sunday. I am so upset, and I can't understand why. Am I jealous? It reads like I am but why would I be? Our relationship is already in trouble, we have had a miserable last few years with financial and work worries and we are definitely not besotted with each other as we once were. I do not want to be mean or unsupportive but I feel very angry that he has just taken off as though with a new girlfriend (such is his excitement even though I do not think there is anything untoward in his intentions) and he wouldn't ever dream of taking one of ours away for a night. I just don't know why I am so upset but I am.

BeingMePls Sun 14-May-17 02:40:20

You're upset because she hurt him and now he's gone running back. I understand because my daughter is the same.

he will always welcome her with open arms because that's his daughter but he loves you very much too. He knows you'll be there for him when she throws another tantrum

Oulavache Sun 14-May-17 10:17:02

So now I have decided to handle it. Is my position to stay here, grin and bear her company and his adulation of her until she turns on him again and then pick up the pieces and comfort him? I don't think I can bear that. He is not my child. Is it grossly unfair of me to stick to saying I want no part of their relationship?

Oulavache Sun 14-May-17 10:17:35

"Have to decide how to" that should have been

twisterinyogapants Sun 14-May-17 18:34:38

How old are your children? Have they noticed how he is treating her compared to them ?

Oulavache Sun 14-May-17 22:22:17

The oldest is 15 and yes, she does. Especially as they have a tricky relationship. He is very hard on her and would not choose to spend time with her. Our other child is 10 and does not notice anything much I think but has a great relationship with him. Dh adores the youngest child.

twisterinyogapants Mon 15-May-17 09:28:17

What does he say when you point out how differently he treats his daughters? I think you owe it to your 15 not to let her be treated badly.
Him playing good daughter bad daughter will affect her confidence.

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