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I hate hate HATE being a lone parent

(14 Posts)
thesunpeeksthrough Sat 13-May-17 18:13:18

I hate it.

I hate the fact that we live in near poverty despite me earning a good salary, hate the fact that I can't properly provide for my children. Hate the loneliness and the empty nights and holidays. Hate feeling whatever I do is wrong. Hate the fact I have no one to share the joys (such as they are: I have discovered some are only truly joyful if someone else is there too) and the lows with.

If anyone tells me it is better than a rubbish relationship I may just slap them with a rotting kipper.

Chasingsquirrels Sat 13-May-17 18:18:52

thesunpeeksthrough just wanted to acknowledge your post.
My lowest points were wanting to share things that had happened with someone, I did a bit with my mum but it wasn't the same.
I was very lucky in that when I got together with my late-DH he was interested in my kids not just me - I suppose he saw us as a package and wanted me so wanted them.

Since DH died I'm so lonely again, as you say no one to share those bits of joy with.

I can only emphasise and wish you all the best for the future.

foolonthehill Sat 13-May-17 18:23:38

I hear you.
I escaped an abusive marriage and would not go back for the world BUT that does not mean that it is not lonely. I miss what might have been.Not what was.
Hang on in there. Take joy where you can. There will be good times too.

thesunpeeksthrough Sat 13-May-17 18:29:09

I'm sorry of your loss too, squirrels smile

Thanks fool

ambereyesore Sat 13-May-17 18:52:40

So sorry you're feeling this way. It's really hard going.

thesunpeeksthrough Sat 13-May-17 18:56:30

It does at times feel as if I am trying to do the impossible!

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Sat 13-May-17 19:54:56

No words, just flowers flowers

bimbobaggins Sat 13-May-17 21:35:00

I know how you feel op, life as a lone parent is tougher. It was hard before but now I am finding it overwhelming being the sole parent after my ds dad passed away recently.

thesunpeeksthrough Sun 14-May-17 08:39:23

Sorry to hear of your loss, too. smile

It's other people who frustrate me. People who ask insensitive questions and who make daft remarks, including people who really should know better like teachers and healthcare professionals.

Westray Sun 14-May-17 08:45:36

Hi OP, are you able to get a break at times? Do your children spend time with their father?

pinkpixie83 Sun 14-May-17 08:50:40

I hear you completely.

Even weekends without the kids seem so low because I feel like nothing when they aren't here.

whatdididotodeservethis Sun 14-May-17 09:03:27

I have no advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm in the same boat thesun, I've been a single parent for around 7 years and it does grind you down. The last year has been tough as their dad is now in prison so I've lost child support and have to rely heavily on my mum for childcare. He was abusive and life is better without him but it doesn't stop me from being lonely.

I worked my arse off at university and did years of post graduate training to get my well paid job but it's all spent before I even get paid. I'm drowning in debt and if I'm not at work I'm with my children which is exhausting. No one to share it with, no one who loves my DC as much as I do, no one to take one to football when the other has boxing. I feel so alone at events where people go as a family, doting fathers at the park or at parties or holidays together. I've never had that and don't think I ever will.

Don't get me started on teachers and health professions being insensitive. There is so much stigma to being a single parent and I'm gob smacked at how rude people can be. I often get asked if my children have the same father by strangers, school clearly thinks I'm a lazy parent (no, just exhausted and can't keep all the balls in the air at times), refer to me by my married name even though I've been divorced for years and they know I use my maiden name, condescending in meetings.

I do feel immensely proud that I've managed to raise 3 lovely DC alone but it doesn't make it any less lonely.

thesunpeeksthrough Sun 14-May-17 09:13:21

Un-MNetty hug, whatdid flowers

I never get a break, but that doesn't worry me. I do have lovely 'easy' children who sleep well and so on. I pray they'll stay that way!

It's mostly financially where it really hits me so hard. Both are in FT childcare although DC1 has just turned 3 so some free hours soon thank god but SO many people express faux-dismay that two such young children are in nursery for such long hours. But what can I do? If I asked for PT work (I am a teacher) I wouldn't be able to do my current role which is on the leadership spine. I earn £43,000 which is a great salary but I'm exhausted for it and plus childcare actually physically HURTS!

My one saving grace is I don't have a mortgage but even so with two full time nursery places and council tax and electricity and the car there's not much left over. The house is small and shabby and my friends live in lovely spacious homes with huge lawns their children can roam over. I want that so much for my children but I don't think I'll ever be able to give them that.

I am jealous of doting dads and grandparents!

whatdididotodeservethis Sun 14-May-17 10:09:39

Thank you for the hug, here's an equally un-mumsnetty one from me smile

Don't feel bad about your DC being in nursery FT. You are setting an excellent example by working hard to provide for them and they will see how amazing you are when they become adults with their own DC. I had to put all of my DC in nursery FT when they were very little (one of them 6 weeks old) as I was at university FT (I had my children very young). If anything, it helped them to socialise and by the time they reached school they were much more used to a classroom environment. They do more messy play, baking, art at nursery than I could ever entertain at home.

I know what you mean about not providing the huge lovely house. We also live in rented and although our house is OK, I feel guilty that it's small and not in the best area. I work with a lot of consultants who chat about their skiing holidays, when I can barely afford butlins. I very much feel like I've failed my children as I wish they could have that kind of life.

I'm quite lucky that I was able to go PT at work for a year by arranging a jobshare. Is this something that work would consider? Or possibly working from home one day a week or 4 long days instead of 5? I work in the NHS (scientist with managerial responsibilities) which are a family friendly organisation and have been excellent about flexi working.

I wish my DF was more doting. He hates my DC being at his house and doesn't do anything nice with them. My mum is with my DC too much to have a normal GM relationship and gets tired of them so weekends are just us and they can be very long and lonely.

I started a SP meetup group in my area but had a poor turn out rate and it was mainly weekend dads coming along. I've tried OLD and only met idiots. My DC are all at school (two at high school) which makes things easier however teenagers bring their own challenges and they are more aware that we don't have very much.

Sorry for the long post. In a nutshell I think mothers guilt is completely normal, single mothers guilt is X10000

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