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Can I offload on you?

(12 Posts)
Preggocinders Sat 13-May-17 18:08:11

OK, this is probably going to be disjointed and not make much sense but I just need to talk to someone.
Left my emotionally abusive husband just over two months ago, just before giving birth two weeks later. It was so hard to finally walk away but I just couldn't live like that anymore and I knew it was leave or I would just get too depressed to go on living.
Things are especially a lot better, I took the advice I got on here from a post I put in AIBU, involved the police, HV, SS and I'm seeing Woman's aid and a mental health nurse. But my anxiety levels are through the roof, I'm terrified of him turning up at the door, taking my baby or hurting me and the kids (I have another ds from a previous relationship). He is NC with our son, and I haven't heard a peep from him since I registered the baby's birth.
So I should feel better, I should be starting to move on with my life, but I can't, if I stop for a second, it's all I can think about.
The problem is I don't feel ican really open up to anyone, all the professional type people I worry I come across as an idiot, or worse, a bad mum for subjecting my DS to STBXH behaviour.
He was strict and cruel with us, I had to live by a million rules and if anything didn't go the way he wanted I had to apologise, which still affects me now and I say sorry to everyone for things that aren't my fault ie someone bumping into a table and I apologise from the other side of the room (wtf).
I handful of examples of the rules I had to live by:
-DS1 and DS2 weren't to be referred to as brothers, be in the same room as each other for "too long", DS1 wasn't to touch any of DS2's things, or DS2 for that matter.
-his towel and pj's had to be sitting by the shower for him coming home from work, lunch ready for him coming out the shower, and DS1 had to be in his room or napping for at least an hour when he came out the shower.
- my family weren't to see DS2 when he was born, know his name or see a picture. They live 2 mins away and my parents were tearing their hair out the whole time we were together(just over a year, crazy I know)
-Texts were monitored, and my phone was checked daily.
-i wasn't allowed to hold DS2, kiss him, tell him I loved him, play with him. When stbxh left for work I would just sit and hold him. He is 2, and I broke my heart daily to see him change when stbxh was around, like he knew we couldn't be normal around him.
-there were a million other things, like how the curtains had to be opened a certain way, I couldn't talk to anyone in a shop, I couldn't be friendly to anyone, I couldn't go out unless it was with him. I couldn't watch anything that had even a hint of sexual content.

My world just got smaller and smaller and I allowed it, and I'm struggling with that. I allowed him to alienate me from my family and friends, to treat DS1 like shit.
I know I have done everything I can to improve our lives since I left, but I just can't stop thinking about everything that happened. I keep trying to figure out why he acted like that, why I just followed along with what he wanted.
I have no friends to talk to, I have my family but I don't want to put more stress on them, they know the vague details but not everything.
I'm worried about what to tell DS2 when he grows up.
I'm worried I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.
I'm worried he is going to appear out of the woodwork and I'm going to have to deal with his shit all over again.
Sorry, long post, I just feel so shit and alone

user1466690252 Sat 13-May-17 18:16:33

I don't have much advice. but you did it, you walked away. you are a strong, brave woman and you will rebuild. tell your children you love them, play with them and do all the things you weren't allowed. do you have a bettet relationship with your parents now you've left? is there any way he knows where you are.

Trb17 Sat 13-May-17 18:19:14

Firstly, you are a ROCK STAR! Leaving a man like that takes serious balls.

Secondly, remember that he didn't offer you the full picture of his planned abuse and let you say yes or no to it. It crept in. Bit by little bit so that you didn't notice it at first.

But in the end you did notice it and you did say no. That's something you should be so PROUD of and you've done your children the world of good by getting them out.

I have no practical advice other that good locks and not opening door to anyone you don't know but please know that what you've achieved is MASSIVE and you are amazingly strong for doing it flowers

Preggocinders Sat 13-May-17 18:23:37

Thank you x
Im in the house we shared, he moved out. I've changed the locks and WA are going to sort out alarms I think

GladAllOver Sat 13-May-17 18:37:59

Bloody well done OP!
It must have been hard - very hard - to boot him out at such emotional time as giving birth.
Stay strong for your children and yourself.

GooodMythicalMorning Sat 13-May-17 18:47:41

Well done, youve done the best for your children and yourself. Be proud you got yourself out.

user1466690252 Sat 13-May-17 18:53:26

keep doors looked at all times and keep your phone charged to ring police if necessary. You have done so well and you will look back at this and how it began loads of good memories for you and your children. well done. flowers

RJnomore1 Sat 13-May-17 18:59:02

Oh love you AREa rock star. I remember your thread; you're amazing to act so decisively at such a vulnerable time for the good of your two babies.

I see women post again and again and not find the courage to do what you have done.

💐

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater Sat 13-May-17 18:59:25

You are amazing. You did it. You saved your kids from the horrible man and that hard life. You saved them. They will be proud of you for escaping that prison and getting free. They will know that it's not right to treat your loved ones like crap. They will know that you are willing to protect them from anyone if needs be.

Well done you. X

BToperator Sat 13-May-17 19:01:07

You have done an amazing thing, at a time when it must have been incredibly hard. Please don't beat yourself up because it took you a while to see what was happening, these things creep up, and by the time you realise you are being controlled, your self esteem is so low, that it is not easy to believe you can walk away. You have done that, and I have no doubt at all you will be fine and happy on your own. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to recover. Also congratulations on your new arrival.

barrygetamoveonplease Sat 13-May-17 19:03:13

Please understand. There is no past. There is no future. There is only now. Only this moment, now.
You cannot change the past, it is gone.
You cannot protect yourself against the future, it is not in your gift.
In this moment now, you can be the person you are. You don't have to strive to be great. You don't have to set yourself standards you can't live up to. Just be.
You aren't responsible for him, for what made him like that, for who he was, is or will be. Not your circus, not your monkey!

Of course, you can take sensible precautions as listed in the post/s above. And you can pat yourself on the back for being so strong - you are strong, you've done an amazing thing in getting him out of your home. You are doing all the right things. Don't beat yourself up about things you couldn't do at the time.

Stay safe, you and your babies. I wish you many, many moments of great happiness.

Preggocinders Sat 13-May-17 20:43:44

Thank you everyone.
Just having a particularly down day today.
I will get through this and eventually make some pals in RL. I really appreciate every reply, it's comforting to know I have MN to turn to on days like this when I'm on my own. DS2 away to his dad's for the weekend so it's me and baby. Family all away for the weekend too. So it's me, baby, eurovision and a bar of galaxy this evening

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