I know I should stop but I really can't!(31 Posts)
Not entirely sure why I am writing this down when I know in my head I need to put a stop to this now.
Exdp and I split a few months ago - we were together for almost 4 years - he went straight into a new relationship leaving me with two small DC (they are now 3 months and 18 months - not that this makes much difference)!
He says that we are friends, sleeps with me (I explained if we were to continue sleeping together then I couldn't deal with him sleeping with anyone else which he agreed to), makes jokey comments about me being the wife, expects foot and back rubs etc which is fine - if we were together!
I've helped him out financially and emotionally and it's really wearing me down now - even when last weekend he was due to have the DCs we still ended up spending it together as a "family"
He says we will never get back together and wants to just remain friends - because apparently friends can give back rubs!
Tonight it all came to a head , after we had been out for a meal with mutual friends,when he asked me to cuddle up with him on the sofa and I said no because I was starting to become attached - he flew off the handle and said he couldn't understand why I would feel that way!
The thought of him speaking to other women still makes me feel jealous and I know I need to cut contact - unless it's to do with the DCs so oh wise people of MN - why can't I just let go?!?
Not sure if I'm reading this right, but if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you then imo he shouldn't be getting back rubs and sleeping in the same bed as you. If he's gone straight into another relationship, then YABU to let him treat you the way he has!
Start putting up boundaries slowly if it makes it easier for you, here are a few ideas:
- have someone at home with you when he comes to see the kids so there's no temptation for back rubs etc.
- arrange for contact to be in a neutral place away from your home.
- Collection/drop offs at your doorstep only, do not invite him in but if you have to then have a friend round.
- stop socialising together, you're not a couple anymore.
- Make sure you're claiming maintenance for your kids officially through CSA
He isa selfish prick who is playing a power game by having two women on the go so if one doesn't work out, he has has a replacement lined up. Don't put you and your kids at risk of emotional abuse and STD's by being involved with this twat.
He's not with anyone now.
I know what you are all saying is correct and I agree - he says it's better for the DCs if we are friends but I have had enough of being used all the time .
When you say sleeping I'm guessing you mean having sex?
Friends don't shag each other.
He wants a FWB.
He doesn't get to have you and another woman.
Don't let him in the house. He collects the kids from the doorstep. Don't contact him unless it's about the kids. Stop letting him blur the lines and confuse you.
Fine be friends but friends don't sleep with one another and I've never asked a friend for a back rub.
He wants his have his cake and eat it too. It's completely unfair on you and not good for the DC. If you are never going to get back together this needs to be clear to them.
This set up will confuse and hurt your children and you emotionally, he's keeping you as an option while he's single, having his cake and eating it as such, when someone else comes along he'll drop you like a sack of shit again.
He's using you, you don't have to let him.
I suggest you tell him It's over, only reply to messages that are about the children and only send messages about the children, engage with nothing else.
Busy yourself with having friends over, development interests and hobbies that take up your spare time. He can only use you if you let him.
Friends don't sleep with each other.
He's either with you or he isn't. And I'm afraid he made the call not to be with you, so he doesn't get to decide that you're not together but you still do all the intimate stuff.
Saying it's better for the dc to stay friends is all fine and well. But you also need to be allowed to move on.
Oh and he's not your 'friend' friends dont use and treat each other like shit.
Yes mean having sex together.
I agree with everything you have all said. Last night I turned him down and he got funny and accused me of being petty (presumably because he couldn't get his own way)
I actually have FIL living with me at the moment, he has done for a while - hence why exdp still has a key and comes around whenever it suits him!! I think this is a huge part of the problem 😓
Why is his Dad living with you? Get the key back from him as well, he can't just swan in and out of your home when he feels like it even if his dad does live there, will he be moving out soon? He should go and live with his son so you can get on with your life.
FIL moved in before we split and we get on well so I don't have a problem him being here as he had nowhere else to go and can't afford anything on his own as he's up to his eyeballs in debt - as is EXDP who is back living with MIL - it such a crappy situation I've been looking for ways to move myself but not financially able to afford another privately rented property at present.
He sounds just like my ex. After I finally stopped contact with him (after three long years!) I realised just how emotionally manipulative and controlling he was. Got back with his ex but then kept asking me to visit and came on to me/ slept with me on a couple of occasions. Wanted to share a bed with me and be able to grab my boobs whenever he wanted but perish the thought if I suggested I was feeling emotionally attached to him. If I ever made advances (which I stopped doing after he got back with his ex whilst still saying he loved me) he'd say I was a whore, and if I ever rebuffed his advances he'd get angry and say I was being frigid. Honestly OP, you're a million, million miles better off without this 'man'. Help FiL find somewhere else to live and make it clear to your ex that he chose to not be in a relationship, so he can't have the best of both worlds. Easier said than done I know, but you'll feel much better for doing so and your DC will benefit from that too. 😊
Oh and he even recently took me out for a 'date' and I sat there and explained how I felt - he just told me to stop as it makes him feel guilty!
Yes he probably does feel guilty because he knows is just using me! Sorry for ranting but I'm full of the rage this morning!
Use that rage to decide a way forward. Honestly I can remember once I felt angry it became easier to see that putting firm boundaries in place was the way forward (for you I'd suggest this might mean contact between ex and his children but not for the two of you)? For me it meant moving 150 miles away but that stopped me being tempted back into the unhealthy old pattern! Good luck x
To be honest I have been thinking about moving away for this same reason (and to save money as the cost of renting here is extortionate - hard pushed to get a 2 bedroom rental property for less than £950 a month) as then he wouldn't be able to worm his way back in or just turn up as and when but when I've explained this to him before I've been accused of trying to take the DC away from him so I feel like I can't win!
This man is a cunt. Does his father see his behaviour? You need to stop giving him foot and back rubs. What a twat to even ask. And then accuse you of being petty for not servicing his cock?
Use that anger to sort things out. Your exfil's housing issues are not your problem, he needs to move out. Take the key off exp or change the locks. Stop having sex, dates, family time with him. Stop financially and emotionally supporting him, it's not your job. Start CMS claim and move on. It's hard but you deserve so much more
I do get money for the DCs from
Him every month so that's one less thing I need to worry about sorting!
Do you have family you could move nearer? He is a horrible, manipulative piece of shit. How dare he say you make him feel guilty!
Make plans to move and in the mean time keep him at arms length. Disgusting excuse for a man.
Good. You should be.
I am aghast. You are being manipulated and thoroughly used by this person.
As much as I hate to 'victim blame', you are making it very easy for him to do.
I know - but I don't know why I can't seem to help myself which is the most frustrating thing of
All - had it been a friend in my situation I would have told her to kick him to the kerb already :/
I'm not afraid of being on my own - I was single for nearly 6 years before I met him!
Does your mum have a key to your house?
If not, why does your housemate's son?
What does his dad say? You say you get on well, does he see what's going on and seem to think it's all fine?
He used to live here!
His dad said he's told him he needs to decide what he wants because it's not fair on me but aside from that he doesn't like to get involved 🙄
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