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***Trigger warning-child abuse*** my poor dd I dont know where to turn

(87 Posts)
Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 14:03:11

Sorry I don't know what to say or if I should even post so I thought 30day board would be best.

We've only recently found out our dd was assaulted multiple times last year by a close family member. They've been arrested, admitted it, charged, remanded and now awaiting trial. It's been really quick since finding out and everyone has been amazingly supportive. School, police, social worker, work, everyone.

We've told nobody else, I dare not go on facebook, we've told no other family...part of us because they are ashamed (and dear god I hope my parents don't see this as they're just devastated but there's another angle to it for them, and I'm not slating them at all) and partly because...well it won't help will it. We don't see other family often at all, if not for years really, and aren't amazingly close.

The SW is nice and helpful but I didn't click with them and wouldn't feel comfortable spilling my guts out to them. Dd's school team have offered me a seat with them anytime to chat, and they're lovely but it's not their job is it, they're looking after dd and doing a great job of it. Dh is trying but finding things very difficult obviously and I feel like I'm holding everyone together and just walking about in a complete fog. How do I vent, who do I vent to? None of us saw this coming, we've thought over and over and can't think of anything that gave cause for concern. I'm in work but barely concentrating, trying to get "important" things done as nobody else is there to do them.

Everything just feels so fucked up. Can anyone help? Or please if this isn't the place, tell me.

PollytheDolly Fri 12-May-17 14:12:39

Talk and vent here. Lots of help and advice to follow I'm sure.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you all. flowers

How's your DD doing?

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 14:18:31

Thanks Polly I'm not sure. She obviously knew it was wrong but I'm not sure what triggered her to tell me, though I'm so glad she did. She didn't go to school for the rest of the week afterwards, said there was too much in her head. But she's there now and has mostly done half days this week, I think it's slowly sinking in how big a deal it is, she has really super clingy times and easily angered times and then super normal happy times. It's difficult to deal with but I think (if I say so myself) we're doing really well at the moment. I put on my best face for her and go with it.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Fri 12-May-17 14:18:38

Been there op. .
We came through it eventually though don't know what the future will bring when dd realises /remembers. She was nursery age.
Had massive effects on the family as a whole.
From me feeling I had failed her to wanting to keep her home forever!
School were great.
Sw was a wet lettuce at best.
Dd had psychotherapy if that is an option for your dd? .

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 14:23:14

Oh god flapjacks flowers I'm so sorry you've been there too. My dd's 11, was 10/11 at the time.

It's just fucking horrendous right? I was so scared about stranger danger, the irony, you don't look for it in your family.

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 14:24:29

Forgot to say, I've been told she can have proper cahms support once the trial is over, but haven't heard of psychotherapy, I'll look it up, thanks.

PanannyPanoo Fri 12-May-17 14:30:30

Have you heard of it is a charity for parents and carers of children who have been abused. They should be able to help you.
I can understand how all your efforts and energy are about getting your daughter through this. You are also concerned about your parents. I think its important to remember that you are affected too and will need your own support system and possibly counselling to come to terms with it all. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Fri 12-May-17 14:31:52

Will your dd have to attend court?
We went for a look around before the trial. . Staff were absolutely fantastic.
Luckily he pleaded guilty - to lesser charges - and cps went for that. We didn't have a say but it meant dd didn't have to take the stand.
Dd had some separation anxiety issues which I felt best handled with a firm hand approach (heart wasn't telling me that tho!) and it worked. .
School appointed a support worker that acted as a go - between from me to teachers on a morning so she wasnt just left in the yard upset and I could just go. .
Seems harsh but enabling her upset was worse for her. .
At 10 now she is blossoming with no issues so far. .
Its a tough road but there is an end. . flowers

myoriginal3 Fri 12-May-17 14:32:53

How horrible. Talk here as much as you want.

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 14:46:50

Pananny someone pointed me towards mosac actually and I had a look at the site, but something about the "about us" or "who we are" part really grated on me so I might revisit another time.

No flapjacks as far as we've been told so far, as he admitted it straight off and their accounts oretty much match up her video evidence is enough, thankfully. But the judge wasn't happy with the charge as it's too much of a "catch all" and "doesn't explain the gravity" of it, and asked for cps to come back with more suitable charges which he'll have to plead to again so I suppose it could change but we won't know for a couple of weeks at the re-charge.

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 14:47:29

It's brilliant your dd is doing well, I hope that continues for you and for her.

myoriginal3 Fri 12-May-17 14:50:02

OP - I think it will make a massive difference to your daughter that you as her parents took this seriously and stopped it. I would say that this is crucial to her outcome and recovery.

user1234567890987654321 Fri 12-May-17 15:01:34

I've been in that situation as a child and what haunts me still as an adult is it not being recognised by anyone, and later as an adult being told to just brush it under the carpet.

It sounds like you're giving your DD the best possible support as a parent and she'll remember that as an adult. Sorry for what you are going through, I can imagine it's horrendous. flowers

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 15:13:16

Myoriginal3 and user thank you. After telling her how sorry I was the first thing I said was that I believed her. As completely unbelievable as it sounded, I couldn't do anything BUT believe her. But for the next 24hrs I begged (in my head) for it to be the most monumental lie she'd ever tell me, and that I'd love her unconditionally anyway. I'd still give anything for it to have been a lie.

I'm so sorry your situation wasn't recognised, it must be very hard flowers

ImperialBlether Fri 12-May-17 15:16:04

I'm so sorry - your poor daughter.

Is there anyone in the family who will be on the side of the perpetrator and might try to downplay what happened?

TheSecondOfHerName Fri 12-May-17 15:53:15

Sorry to hear that this happened to your daughter. I have sent you a private message.

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 16:14:07

Imperial my parents. It was my brother.
I understand it, to a point. He's their son and you always tell your dc you'll love them unconditionally, where does that stop?

While the believe my dd completely and are heartbroken for her and even bame themselves, they're also heartbroken for their son and the relationship they once had. I know it's hard for them. But they want to make sure he's given a fair trial and representation.

They were willing to agree to have him on bail (before it was rejected), having to pay a surity. They've told me he's sorry (he self harmed so they have him on hourly watch), that they had to go through his room to know that "this" wasn't who he is, like he just made a mistake or something.

"That's" not who he essentially is, only to my dd? That doesn't make it any better. I can't talk to my own mum.

AyeAmarok Fri 12-May-17 16:36:31

After telling her how sorry I was the first thing I said was that I believed her. As completely unbelievable as it sounded, I couldn't do anything BUT believe her. But for the next 24hrs I begged (in my head) for it to be the most monumental lie she'd ever tell me, and that I'd love her unconditionally anyway. I'd still give anything for it to have been a lie.

You're a good mum flowers

crispandcheesesandwichplease Fri 12-May-17 16:36:50

Lost I'm so sorry to hear what you and your DD are going through. I've no advice but would take heart from the fact your DD trusts you enough to have told you and the fact of you immediately believing her will help her a great deal in her recovery.

You must be doubly devastated by the knowledge that it's a family member. But don't beat yourself up, it doesn't matter that we know most children are harmed by people they know as opposed to strangers. We cannot police and supervise our children 24/7 and we'd all go mad if we started thinking that everyone posed a risk of harm.

Can you not approach your GP for some counselling yourself?. Or are you in a position to pay for some private therapy? You will need someone to talk to who isn't involved and who you do not need to support.

Firefries Fri 12-May-17 16:52:19

Yes, don't beat yourself up over it. It wasn't you, it was your brother and you trusted him. Your parents actions aside right now you don't have to agree with them on anything. Ultimately they should compartmentalize this whole thing (in an ideal world) and support their son - to get him through the trial - but also to support you and your dd, because you've had a traumatic event. And they are your parents through this. If they can't do this fine but you ultimately need to show your dd you have her back, and show her she's important right now. That's all.
Getting her and you (your family) through this is key. If your parents can support you in a way that's supportive, great and if not then don't get pulled into their situation.
What your brother did was wrong and he needs to be held accountable for it. He is not your problem. And I disagree with not telling other family members. Has he assaulted anyone else? Is it possible he will be put in places of trust down the line, and do it again? I think you need to calmly explain to your family what has happened. But definitely seek counsel on how to do this well - I don't think a Facebook announcement needs to be done but private conversations yes. It's not your or your daughters fault but I would want to know about this if it was within my family, because he is automatically a trusted family member and without the knowledge of his actions I wouldn't know to protect my kids. Just some thoughts.
I'm so sorry this happened.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 12-May-17 17:06:41

Lost, I'm so sorry that you and your DD are going through this. It sounds like you're doing the best job supporting her.

I was raped by my half brother when I was 14. Initially, everyone in my family was extremely supportive including my mother. Unfortunately, however, this support deteriorated rapidly and my mother turned to support him.

As painful as it might be, I would hold your parents at arms length at the minute. It will be extremely difficult for them to reconsile his actions with who they thought of as their son and may say or act in ways that could hurt you.

I hope they recharge him asap and he pleads guilty again. That would mean no trial for your DD which would be the best for her.


Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 17:16:50

Firefries I see where you're coming from. I would definitely never want him to be able to do this to anyone else and I'm thankful he was not sociable with the rest of the family in the last 5 or so years or really even before that (us lot were very close but unfortunately/fortunately not so close in relationship or distance). Half of me thinks it would be easier to tell people after the trial, when it's in black and white, I don't know why.

His work have been informed of proceedings so far (by police), there's no way he would be in a position of trust again - if/when he's out on the streets again I wouldn't hasitate to make sure any family knew that didn't already. I'll have to think on it. I'm sorry for anyone with a sister and dd same age as mine worrying their sister has a horrible thing to tell them.

Thank you all for your kindness, I needed to write this stuff down, it helps you see clearer flowers

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 17:30:23

HappyGoLuckyGirl that's so sad and an extra awful position for you to be in as well. They've given a few weeks to sort out reports and recharge but I know we've seen the last of him outside of court that we ever will (planned, at least), I don't consider myself to have this brother anymore. It is harder for them I know and I'm kind of counting the days till I fear we will have to go NC for a while because it's the last thing any of us want but might be necessary. Thank you for the un-mumsnetty hugs, as it goes, hugs back to you.

Lostbeyondwords Fri 12-May-17 17:32:54

I have to give my parents full credit, they called the police before I had chance to process it, and that must have been very hard.

OnTheRise Fri 12-May-17 17:36:20

I'm so sorry your daughter has been through this nightmare. Thank goodness she has you. You sound brilliant.

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