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Has anyone successfully took a stand and changed the way DH speaks to you?

(9 Posts)
shadesofdull Fri 12-May-17 09:30:22

Where name calling becomes the casual norm, mocking, ready for a fight.
That general attitude, but just towards you?
So casual and normal, that in fact, he doesn't even know he is doing It.
It is now an accepted part of any conversation between the two of you.

I have considered making notes of the names and how often.
Walking away and ending conversation and no longer engaging at the first sign of this behaviour.

Apart from the obvious LTB, are there any strategies worth trying to get him to look at himself, or at least for me to stop appearing a door mat?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Fri 12-May-17 09:44:38

I think just challenging it and keeping the moral high ground every time it happens is the first step. Then in a quiet moment have a talk about it and tell him that if it continues you will leave him because you value yourself and you have an idea of what a good relationship looks like and being called nasty names isn't it.

My DP has a quick temper and ends up swearing and being horrid when he's angry, not just to me but to everyone. We have talked about it a lot and I've said that's it's not something I'm willing to tolerate, that I will bring it up every time and that he can't complain that I'm being patronising or annoying by telling him to stop it if he carries on talking like that.

Just shut down any conversation when he starts being like that but if you've done that and he's still talking to you like that he's showing you a fundamental lack of respect.

Is he otherwise a good partner or is this part of a pattern of disrespect? My Dp is lovely 95% of the time so I have come to the conclusion that it's worth sticking out the bad bits for the good. We have had some counselling both individually and together and he is open to change, which helps.

Could you suggest counselling to your H if this is the only big sticking point between you? If his nasty tongue is just part of a bigger problem I'd say cut your losses flowers

gamerchick Fri 12-May-17 10:19:12

A come to Jesus meeting and pulling him up each and every time he does it?

Tell him you cant hear him and ask him to repeat the same thing over and over?

As long as there are no kids involved listening to this shit of course. Then it's straight to leaving them if they can't behave.

shadesofdull Fri 12-May-17 14:34:36

Thanks for such thoughtful replies.

There are DC (mild SN) and it is just me it's aimed at.

No one would ever believe me, and yes, lovely 95% of the time, and when it really matters.

A lot of stress at work and with family.
But that doesn't mean that I should become the verbal punchbag.

Some good points, I am seriously going to have zero tolerance from now on.
I'm sure it's lack of respect and a habit.

Works long hours and is hardly here, wonder if being out of sync with family life is part of the problem.

I'm made to feel like everything I say or think is wrong.
The next person could say whatever I said, but they would be right.
It's very hurtful.

Ecclesiastes Fri 12-May-17 14:45:04

lovely 95% of the time

It doesn't matter if he's lovely 99% of the time (and in really I bet it's nearer 50% - especially as you say yourself he's hardly ever there).

He doesn't bother to hide his contempt for you. He knows he is hurting you and he doesn't care. This is not your fault, so there is nothing you can do to change him. All you can do is decide whether to continue in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

Fluffybrain Fri 12-May-17 14:47:44

Record him talking to you. Theres a record function on most phones.
Play it back to him later. Tell him that that behaviour is unacceptable. You are not prepared to spend the rest of your life being spoken to like that and have your DC hear him speak to you like that. He must change or you will split. If he is more angry at being secretly recorded than he is appalled with his own behaviour then this would indicate that he is emotionally abusive. In other words, he gets a kick out of putting you down and chipping away at your self-esteem. If that's the case then he will not change. So then it will be up to you to decide if you want to put up with it for the rest of your life or not.
Read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

shadesofdull Fri 12-May-17 14:53:05

I know you are all right.
It's there in the back of my mind all of the time.
He would be angry about the recording and not how he speaks to me. That does speak volumes.
I will be doing this though!
And will order that book.
I don't have one person in RL I could speak to, so I'm always conflicted with weather it's normal or not or I'm being a bit ridiculous.
Funny thing is, he need me a lot more than I need him.

Chottie Fri 12-May-17 22:04:51

If he only speaks to you like this, sadly he is aware of it and can modify his behaviour around other people. You deserve much better, take back your control.

PenguinOfDoom Fri 12-May-17 22:29:31

Hmm. I am not sure you could make him change it.

I had a moment of clarity about this with an ex which led to me splitting with him. We were in an LDR and I suddenly realised (as in pretty much overnight realisation) that I dreaded speaking to him. He picked everything I said apart and tried to analyse it/me and was very critical of me, but at the same time, he was desperately over-sensitive to anything I said to him. He could, and did, take offence at the most innocuous things, which would lead to hours of him interrogating, recriminating and battering me down and it was just exhausting. It would invariably end in a row or him saying awful stuff and me hanging up. I was on eggshells all the time.

I tried a few times to address how he spoke to me, ranging from using cold reason right through to crying and begging him to stop, and get him to understand how it made me feel. Nothing made any difference. He had decided that was the dynamics of our relationship and he wasn't going to do anything I asked because that would make him weak.

You can maybe have one bash at getting him to understand, but if he doesn't care, then you are on a hiding to nothing.

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