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Sacking a godparent.

(27 Posts)
twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 14:37:01

Ok, so long story short, when we got our daughter christened a few years ago we chose godparents. 2 family members and 1 friend.
Since she's been christened I've fallen out with the group of friends that her godmother is part of. We used to socialise once a week, we worked together when we were younger and had been close for 10 or so years.
I've stayed civil with her godmother and vice versa, presumably as she is my daughters godmother and didn't want any animosity, which is fine. In all fairness I only fell out with 1 of the 6 group of friends, but they all took that one friends side. I don't get invited to anything now and see her godmother maybe once a month in passing, but my daughters not got a clue who she is to be honest.
This is the awkward bit - twice a year this old friend will ask to come over with birthday and Christmas presents for my daughter and obviously I allow her to, but I know that she's only doing it because she feels she has to.
She rocks up with presents, we have stilted uncomfortable conversation for 30 minutes, my daughter won't talk to her properly as she's shy and hasn't got a clue who she is and it just makes me feel uncomfortable and grabby.
As my daughters getting older it's just getting worse and more uncomfortable.
What can I say to her to make her understand that I don't expect presents from her for my daughter. Of course she can see her if she wants to, but bar the twice a year she turns up she never asks to see my daughter, and when I bump into her my daughter is at school or groups/classes so doesn't even see her in passing.
I don't want to argue with her but I don't want her to feel like she HAS to make an effort when I think it would be easier all round if she didn't.

CotswoldStrife Wed 10-May-17 14:40:00

Why wouldn't she want to keep in contact with her goddaughter? There's no reason to think she would want to break contact just because she didn't take your side in the fallout.

twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 14:48:09

Because we literally have no communication bar the present giving twice a year. We will be civil if passing but she doesn't text or call to see how my daughter is. I just feel like she's giving presents because she feels she has to.

Nelliephant Wed 10-May-17 14:51:27

Yeah that's a bit awkward. Don't really know what the solution is though, as without actively telling her you don't want her to be a GM anymore there's no real way of saying it.

twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 14:55:51

I know. I'm really struggling. I'm happy for her to be a godparent and great if she wants to pop a card through the door when it's her birthday if she wants to, but the presents and small talk and her spending money on a child who doesn't have a clue who she is just feels uncomfortable.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 10-May-17 14:57:23

Just send her a card relinquishing her of all future gp duties. .

twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 14:59:13

I really don't want to fall out with her over this tho. I thought maybe after the first year that the present giving would tail off, but it hasn't. I normally invite her to all of her birthday parties and other significant events but she's always declined so maybe I'll stop doing that.

MissBax Wed 10-May-17 14:59:59

Could you just say "aww thays really kind but honestly you DON'T have to, especially as we don't see each other as much anymore". I don't know though, I'm really not good at those kind of things haha.

Somerville Wed 10-May-17 15:02:27

She might take seriously the fact that she made promises about being there for your child and the like.

We have fallen out very badly with the parents of DH's godchild (it wasn't our fault, but I guess the parents are unlikely to view it that way). DH genuinely feels bad for not being able to see his godchild a bit, and has left communication open in case it can be arranged for the future. He sent Christmas and birthday presents too. If they asked him not to he would respect that until his godchild is an adult, I guess, but whatever they did, he wouldn't consider himself 'sacked' as he made promises, in church (he is a believer).

twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 15:03:31

Yeah I think I might say that. It's so hard. I'm crap with confrontation. I did think about just constantly being unavailable when she wants to pop in, but that's the wimps way out!
Half the time she doesn't even pop in though, she'll make excuses that she's on her way somewhere so can't pop in and will just leave £20 worth of gifts with me. It wouldn't be so bad if it was a packet of choc buttons etc.

Notmyrealname85 Wed 10-May-17 15:04:08

Think missbax might be onto something - maybe "oh for the sake of another one of the godparents we're asking the others not to buy gifts, cards etc for DC so you really don't need to worry about all that! We didn't mean for godparents to have to do the birthdays, Christmas things, more like guidance when they're older"

twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 15:06:10

And yes I think you're right re her taking her godparent duties seriously. Just hurts I guess when she knows the ins and outs of her friends kids and puts this all over Facebook with photos of "I love this kid" etc and she doesn't even know my daughters favourite toy/tv character. I just find it awkward!!!

Somerville Wed 10-May-17 15:06:29

And surely your child only doesn't know who her godmother is because she's not old enough to understand when you explain to her? Mine aren't christened, but it's, I imagine, like with my old friends who I was close to but now we only send presents and see each other once a year. When they're coming over/send stuff I remind my kids who they are.
So with a bit of time (is your DD 2?) it won't be an issue that DD doesn't know who she is/understand.

twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 15:08:42

She's very nearly 3. I never had presents off of god parents when growing up and I don't expect any. Can't go with the line of "we are asking all godparents not to do gifts" as the other 2 are family members.

Doje Wed 10-May-17 15:20:33

Why don't you try to get close to her again? I might be missing something, but you fell out with someone else, not her. You got on well before, might it be nice to be good friends again? She's obviously taken the godparent thing seriously.

OlennasWimple Wed 10-May-17 15:26:48

Can you really not use the opportunity to try to re-build the relationship with her? She must once have been very close to you to have been chosen as DD's godmother? Start by sending her pictures that DD has drawn, or similar, in between the birthday and Christmas present giving.

As DD gets older you can explain who she is, and DD might be able to go out with her and do stuff rather than just sitting making awkward small talk (in fact, why don't you meet her for lunch next time?)

Does she have children of her own? If not, perhaps she sees DD as the only child for which she will ever have any kind of formal responsibility, and doesn't want to let her down.

twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 15:26:50

Yeah we were very close. I was closer to her than anyone in the group. But I don't know really. She's very into this social group and they do everything together, meals, nights out, weekends away. All of their kids are much older so I suppose we don't have much in common these days. But I probably should make the effort a bit more.

OlennasWimple Wed 10-May-17 15:27:19

x-post with doje

mistermagpie Wed 10-May-17 15:43:13

I would try and rebuild things if you can. She must have meant a lot to you at one point and it seems a shame to lose that for no good reason. As adults we are often quite bad at just confronting situations, but there is really nothing wrong with saying 'I think it's so kind of you to give DC gifts, but I have found things awkward between us since my fall out with X, I miss how our friendship used to be. Can we talk about it?'. What's the worst that could happen?

WrittenandGrown Wed 10-May-17 17:09:46

I find this quite sad. I would hate to be reduced to this with my best friend. Maybe bringing the presents and the awkward conversations are her way of trying to hang onto your friendship. If it was my friendship I would contact her on her birthday (or other special date) and suggest a lunch out for the two of you and your daughter.

twinklehickorymoomoo Wed 10-May-17 17:25:46

I was devastated when we all fell out. They were pretty much my only friends. I felt like I had to avoid certain pubs and restaurants and I would get blanked when I walked past most of them. I suppose to stop any more hurt I've built a bit of a wall. Every week I see photos of them all on Facebook socialising in their group. I've even been replaced by another lady! And I feel she never really made an effort with me or checked how I was after it all as it was almost like she wanted to stay in her friendship circle and not be seen talking to me, but she knew she had to be civil due to being GM. It's been tricky.

Somerville Wed 10-May-17 18:06:46

Reading that, Twinkle, I think it might be worth you trying to re-establish your friendship with GM. Because it sounds like there might have been miscommunication along the way. Since she wasn't involved in the initial disputes, it might be she heard a version that was incorrect. Or that she got the impression that it was you who wanted to cut contact with the rest of them, or whatever.
Because she could so easily just post things to your DD. Or forget about being GM at all. The fact that she wants to come over makes me think suspect she wants a relationship with you too. (I know she has turned down party invitations, but unless there have been lots of said invitations then perhaps she has genuinely been busy. Or been too shy to come or something.)

Nothing ventured... smile

HildaOg Wed 10-May-17 20:43:58

Just cut her out. Godparent is not a legal role, it's merely symbolic, you don't have to say anything to her, just do nothing. Don't be available for anymore visits. Leave it and the whole lot of them behind in the past where they belong.

AnnetteCurtains Thu 11-May-17 18:06:38

Build a different kind of relationship with her
At least she's trying

BigGrannyPants Thu 11-May-17 18:40:00

If you hardly see each other now, then why are you so keen to hang on to her friendship. I think you either need to ditch her completely or ask your old friend if she wants to try and meet up regularly. You both need to make the effort, it can't just be from one side or the other

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