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exH in A+E again

(17 Posts)
Howtofeel Sun 07-May-17 13:48:31

I posted an almost identical thread under another name a few months ago.
exH is a chronic alcoholic: pancreatitis has left him insulin dependent diabetic. Liver disease has left him permanently jaundiced. He can barely walk due to bad feet and has asthma yet smokes heavily.
He is in A+E after being basically grabbed by his GF and friends and dragged there after refusing to go to the doctor's all week....with pneumonia. They have told her to expect the worst as he is so weak they cannot stabilize him. His elderly parents have been called in.
We have been here before a couple of times now, where he has unexpectedly rallied) and I never know what to do, what to tell DCs (12 and 17). They know he's ill again but no idea how bad. I'm just carrying on regardless while waiting for the message to say he's gone..or not. I don't know how to feel, how to broach it with DCs, what to do.

notapizzaeater Sun 07-May-17 13:58:42

No advice but didn't want yo read and run sad

ohfourfoxache Sun 07-May-17 14:00:25

Oh no, what a position to be in sad

I think you should tell them tbh. Just in case.

I've got no idea how to broach it with them though

cestlavielife Sun 07-May-17 14:00:44

Do they see him regularly?
Even if not I think you should take them to say goodbye.. .

Howtofeel Sun 07-May-17 14:21:19

I'm torn. If this is it then they should have the opportunity to say goodbye. If he rallies then I've put an already anxious 12YO through a major trauma for no reason.
At the moment it's moot because while he's in resusc they wouldn't be able to see him anyway: it only becomes a decision to make if they succeed in stabilizing him and he goes to ICU/a ward and what the prognosis becomes at that point.
This is the third time in a year. This might be the time he doesn't rally...or he might.
I am inured to his illness now. I just feel blank, and trying to work out logistics and how to help DCs. And yet I'm feeling guilty for not being devastated. It ended badly but we were together for 20 years.

Couchpotato3 Sun 07-May-17 14:27:15

Even though it will be tough on the kids, I think you should tell them what is going on. Hiding the situation could make your 12 year old's anxiety worse in the long run, as he/she could end up constantly worrying that there is something happening that you haven't told them about. If they end up going through a through rounds of 'will he make it, won't he?' it will be hard on them, but it might help them to cope better in the long run. There's no easy answer on this one. Hope you've got some support in RL.

innagazing Sun 07-May-17 14:57:18

What an awful position for you to be in!
Just a few thoughts really. Could you speak to your older child about the gravity of the situation and see whether he/she wants to see him, if the hospital allow it? Then together, you could talk to your younger child, about whether to see him.
In the circumstances, even if he stabilises now, his health sounds so precarious, that it seems likely that he will not have a long life. I think you probably at least need to acknowledge how ill he is, to your children. I don't think there's much else you can really do at this stage, but to carry on relatively normally until the worst happens.
I'm so sorry you and your dc are in this situation.

Howtofeel Sun 07-May-17 17:38:20

He's gone. No chance to say goodbye. DCs devastated. I am numb.

StealthPolarBear Sun 07-May-17 17:42:05

Oh no. I'm so sorry.

AllThatGlistensIs Sun 07-May-17 17:43:41

Oh I'm so very very sorry, for you and your dc. Be kind to yourself, there really wasn't anything you could have done flowers

StealthPolarBear Sun 07-May-17 17:44:46

I do have some similar experience, family member who died when his children were slightly older than yours. It was hard but one stable aide of the family really helped in this case.

ohfourfoxache Sun 07-May-17 18:24:13

Oh How I'm so sorry thanks

No matter how unwell he was long term this is understandably an enormous shock.

This is probably too soon, but if I could gently suggest Winston's Wish as a source of support if and when you're ready, they're really good thanks

Have you got anyone in RL for support? Perhaps someone who could come and sit with you?

notapizzaeater Sun 07-May-17 20:52:24

I'm so sorry, but there was nothing you could have done 😥😥

cestlavielife Sun 07-May-17 21:31:09

So sorry.
Consider whether dc should visit in hospital/funeral home to say their goodbyes as it were. Maybe speak to Winston wish about this option.

sarahC40 Wed 10-May-17 22:09:49

Really, really sorry. Been through post bereavement nightmare with my oldest son...only advice is time and space and keep them talking. Really so very sorry. X

MissEDashwood Fri 12-May-17 04:28:02

Bit late now, glad I read the full post. I'd be prepared to answer why they weren't allowed to say goodbye, that's the only thing I'd think they might want to know. Obviously the best answer is, it's nice to remember him how he was not with tubes and wires everywhere. But maybe go to the funeral home with them, find a keepsake for them to put with him.

Bless you flowers

Howtofeel Mon 15-May-17 14:55:30

Thank you all for your thoughts/insight.
It's been a difficult week. Dcs back at school. I'm back at work. Funeral next week. Nothing resolved emotionally. They are still sad, I am still numb.
But we talk. It will work itself out.
I wrote the eulogy as DC/exH partner/exH parents are all distraught: they just have to add in details where prompted. I sourced the music.
I've just been so angry with him for so long (much more than I realized) that now that the anger has evaporated I feel lighter. Something will come along to take the space in time but now it is almost as if I am in mourning, just for the anger which is gone: I have become fuzzy, unfocussed. It is frankly bizarre.

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