Threads in this topic will auto-delete 30 days after the OP is posted.

My brother died in a car crash at the weekend and his girlfriend is causing issues

(43 Posts)
Shortie84 Thu 20-Apr-17 00:22:25

Part rant, part advice seeking so bear with me (and hope I'm in the right place!)

My brother was killed in a car crash at the weekend (sadly seemingly of his own causing) and as you can imagine, my families whole world was turned upside down. Though we have very little to do with his girlfriend of 6 months (she lives in another country) I called her to inform her the day we identified his body.
Since then, she has caused no end of issues upsetting my parents with her wild conspiracy theories about his death essentially being murder, and has bombarded us with literally hundreds of messages detailing her theories and urging us to inform the police.
When we have told her to take it to them herself, she moves onto another family member.
She is also posting upsetting things on Facebook about his death and has taken it upon herself to get in touch with and inform family friends and strangers (before we had chance to tell all the family).
I am trying to hold everything together, whilst 8 months pregnant but am seriously running out of ideas, I obviously acknowledge her grief and don't want to upset her further, but I think she needs some serious help, and at the same time I want her to back off. Any ideas?

HunkyDory69 Thu 20-Apr-17 00:33:42

Sadly no ideas but I'm so sorry that this has happened. I hope that you can look out for yourself & your baby .

bialystockandbloom Thu 20-Apr-17 00:39:51

Oh Shortie I'm so sorry, what a dreadful loss flowers

Wrt to his girlfriend, that must make it all even harder. I think I'd either just block it all off and just focus on your family at this time, and/or if any of you (or someone you and she both know well? A mutual friend?) could try and steer her as gently as possible to focussing her own shock amongst people who can support her directly - and more privately. I guess it's her reaction to the shock and need to make sense of it in her own way, but it must be making an extra stress for you all at such an awful time sad

Sorry, I don't know if this helps at all - I can't really know what exactly I'd do in this situation, but I am so so sorry for such a shocking and awful thing to have happened to you and your family. I hope you and your parents have support around you. Thinking of you x flowers

FreeNiki Thu 20-Apr-17 00:43:10

Tell her outright to fuck off. She wasnt his wife, they dated for 6 months and she lives abroad so long distance relationship?

She has no right being involved.

Block her and get all your family members to block her after you've told her to fuck off.

So sorry for your loss flowers

caroldecker Thu 20-Apr-17 00:49:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lynnm63 Thu 20-Apr-17 00:59:15

I think you have to put yourself and your baby first so I'd just block her so you don't have to read her messages. I wouldn't go as far as Freeniki but you'll make yourself ill. You can't fix her. She will have to deal with her grief with her own family and friends.
Sorry for your loss flowers

XsaraHale Thu 20-Apr-17 01:06:04

My condolences to you and your family. The aftermath of a death in 'suspicious' circumstances can cause those grieving to try to justify the actions/find a reason/an answer in order to process the bereavement.
Being in a different country may make the GF feel she is alone in her grief and is contacting everyone to be a part of/wanting to belong with others who knew your brother.
Grief is different for each person but where the behaviour is causing distress to your immediate family then the GF needs to be 'politely' told to refrain from posting theories/announcements! A daunting task, especially being pregnant and grieving yourself...maybe say you will talk face to face after the funeral? If she is attending? Maybe no theories as I am sure there will be professionals to investigate.

Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, look after yourself and your baby first and foremost, hope you find strength 💐

FreeNiki Thu 20-Apr-17 01:09:11


If the 6mth long distance gf of my deceased brother upset me, my parents, my whole family with their crazy ravings after barely knowing him for 6 months they'd be told where to go.

Fine. indulge her then.

ScarlettFreestone Thu 20-Apr-17 01:15:15

Can you get in touch with any of her family members for help?

Explain the situation and ask them to offer her support and provide a rational war for her.

ScarlettFreestone Thu 20-Apr-17 01:15:56

Apologies posted too soon.

I wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers

ScarlettFreestone Thu 20-Apr-17 01:16:31

^ rational ^ear blush

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 20-Apr-17 01:22:42

She is alone with no one to talk to who knew him and is probably trying to find someone to blame or a reason for it all. Sadly, because she is alone she has free reign on her mad theories because there is no one to talk it through with.

We all have moments like that when something terrible happens. My DDs friend was killed on Friday and DD did a similar thing in the first couple of days, wondering if he had stalked her, picked her out as his victim but after talking it through and reading police statements she calmed down. She was just trying to make sense of the senseless and she had people helping her. But his GF doesnt have a way to do that right now so the conspiracy theories are not being debunked by anyone.

All you can do is keep updating her and get in touch with as many people as you can to explain. Hopefully she will calm down soon.

I am so sorry for his death and your loss flowers

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 20-Apr-17 01:24:46

niki you dont know that she barely knew him. All you know is that she lives abroad, that doesnt mean that they didnt see each other regularly or werent emotionally close. I think evil might be stretching it but cruel and hugely lacking in empathy are accurate.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Thu 20-Apr-17 01:31:50

Would there be any sort of police report on the crash that would show what actually happened e.g. an accident sadly of his own making rather than murder / conspiracy, that could be sent to her so she could read it?

Or are there any of your brother's friends who could talk to her and get her to back off?

Will she be invited to the funeral? Because if not I would just say block her on all social media if you can.

Condolences for your loss OP flowers

Batghee Thu 20-Apr-17 01:32:38

flowers how awful for you! Sorry for your loss!
Like PP have said the girlfriends grief is not your responsibility so it may be best for you to try and detatch at much as possible from it by blocking her and not engaging with her. Hopefully other family members will come to the same conclusion.
I do feel sorry for her, obviously she is dealing with it quite badly but someone closer to her will have more of a chance of working thru that with her. You should focus on yourself and your baby, dont feel guilt for having to do that. All you can do is try not to be angry with her out of compassion but just dont get involved with her delusions.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 20-Apr-17 01:38:26

It would be very cruel to not let her know when the funeral is, even if she cant get there in person. Many crematoriums will offer a web broadcast of the the service and she should at least be given the opportunity to see it even if she cant get there.

And I dont think that blocking her will help with her conspiracy theories either. She is clearly struggling but hopefully a little time a few facts will help her calm down.

ohnothisisme Thu 20-Apr-17 04:19:25

Free that is awful. I would have been absolutely devastated if my OH had died, even just six months in. I can't believe your lack of empathy there.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Thu 20-Apr-17 04:31:03

Shortie, my guess is you are still in shock, I'm so sorry for your loss. The gf may also be and her response is making you angry, that's OK, and normal. But her actions afterwards were insensitive, you knew him best, she may not be thinking that way though

You need to talk through your grief, don't discount other people's love for him though xxx

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 20-Apr-17 05:01:42

Shortie. I'm sorry for your loss. I also think you need to block her and get on with your life. Your family doesn't need the added stress. I do agree she should be told when the funeral is and that she is welcome as long as she keeps her wild theories to herself. Have a person at the funeral, who is willing to remove her from the premises if necessary. The idea of contacting a family member on her behalf is good advice. flowers

Pyongyang flowers

e1y1 Thu 20-Apr-17 05:22:53

I can't say anything constructive, but so sorry for your loss flowers

PossumInAPearTree Thu 20-Apr-17 06:27:03

Maybe I'm lacking in empathy but I'd consider blocking her as well.

I would first kindly warn her that you don't want to hear her theories anymore and that you don't believe they're true and they're not helping your grief. And I would warn her that if she carries in you will have to block her for your own well being. Then the ball is in her court.

I'm sorry for your loss.

derxa Thu 20-Apr-17 06:39:11

flowers Shortie I lost a brother too.
Grief makes people irrational. The girlfriend has very little control and knowledge and is lashing out.
You sound very calm and level headed. Perhaps one more call to her and talk it through. Everybody keep off Facebook.

EmilyByTheRiver Thu 20-Apr-17 06:55:38

So sorry for your loss Shortie.

Do you have any contact with her family at all? (even if via FB).Talk to her family /parents and try to see their thoughts- if they can get through to her? It sounds like pp are right and this is a display of her grief.

Or, is there a famiymember or friend of your own who has the strength and the presence of mind to deal with her rants and to deflect them away from you and allow you to deal with what you need to del with?

Crashbangwhatausername Thu 20-Apr-17 07:08:11

I second hearts suggestion - one of his friends who knows her might be a better person to talk to her

WallisFrizz Thu 20-Apr-17 07:12:50

You should have been allocated a police family liaison officer as it was a fatal rtc. Could they offer assistance? Essentially she is harassing you, they could contact her and warn her off or get her local police to do it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now