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Apparently I am doing too much - according to my Mum

(32 Posts)
katymac Tue 18-Apr-17 22:56:26


Here so my uncharitable thoughts can disappear quickly

I am, I took on a Big costuming contract, a small dressmaking contract, I'm selling my house (with accompanying sorting & tidying) and planning a 4 month camper van holiday

So my mum spends ages daily telling me I do too much & at the same times asks me to do jobs for her including: rewiring a fridgefreezer into an inaccessible socket because she panicked & cut off the plug, buying & fitting an entire kitchen floor because she ripped it moving said fridgefreezer, putting various items to sell on my Facebook (involves a drive to hers as she can't use a camera), driving to ikea (120 miles each way) to buy a table, build said table (because her table sold) this lot in less than 10 days!

So am I being very restrained in saying I'd be doing far bloody less if I stopped doing stuff for her?

DH has told her, I have told her, DD has told her, both my aunt & my godmum have told her

Is it any wonder I want to move away?

Whinge over: as you all were!

Wolfiefan Tue 18-Apr-17 23:01:04

Say no.
Hide in the camper.
Plan longer than 4 months away. Get her used to not calling on you for everything.
Oh and drink gin

katymac Tue 18-Apr-17 23:08:18

My dad died last March (16) & I ahve been very supportive (apparently Dbro who lives in Sweden has done SO much for her!)

I think the holiday is an escape & a gentle run in to living away!! (You know a whole 100 miles away - which she says is too far away to visit DD....i wider if it's too far away for me to visit her?)

Wolfiefan Tue 18-Apr-17 23:09:33

You can only hope?!
On a side note I remember your DD being off to college. All well?
(Not a mad stalker. Just remember her as being super talented!)

katymac Tue 18-Apr-17 23:16:53

Well I think she is supertalented - thank you

Yes she is in her second year starts auditions next easter!!

We are moving for a few reasons, DH is getting older and as we don't really like moving we are ageproofing our property for the future so a bungalow, near to amenities

We were considering locally to us but after the year I have had at least 50 miles away from my mum is necessary!!

So we plan to move somewhere DD will be able to do a day visit to between shows or if she is back from abroad on a contract - it's 3.5-4 hrs out of London to here & it's just too far!!

& breathe I think it's an escape really

katymac Tue 18-Apr-17 23:24:59

Plus moving to a slightly bigger village/town might enable me to get a job more easily & Dh would like a tennis club to walk to!!

Fussy aren't we?

FritzDonovan Wed 19-Apr-17 01:38:39

No, not fussy - sensible! May as well get it sorted now while it's easier. You're right about doing stuff for your mum making you take on too much. I think you should fit her into your schedule rather than doing everything as soon as she needs it...she seems to create most of the issues herself and expect you to immediately sort it out?
How do you see the future - if she relys on you heavily now, what will happen when you live further away?

FritzDonovan Wed 19-Apr-17 01:41:05


katymac Wed 19-Apr-17 07:13:58

It does worry me; but I am hoping that instead of 5 or 6 visits a week, I can schedule a day a fortnight

I guess the holiday is to see if that's practical to some extent

DH is going to be 65, my mum is 71, DD is 19 and I am 48 & I looked at 5yrs from now & didn't fancy it much the way things are now - then I looked at 20yrs & it scared the shit out of me

MoreElderlyParentWoes Wed 19-Apr-17 09:27:17

I see so many similarities to my own situation.

My mother has been widowed longer than yours and seems to have lost all ability to do things (or even organise things) for herself. I am exhausted, both physically and mentally, by my mother's complete dependence on me and refusal to accept help from any other source.

You're right to take steps to safeguard your own wellbeing. I'm
not advocating being unkind, but you do need to set some boundaries for how much you can and can't do for her. And enjoy the road trip!

OuchBollocks Wed 19-Apr-17 09:31:06

Location wise, have a look at the towns/villages near Stansted airport. Lovely area, handy for DD to visit from London or abroad, right by the M11, and several towns with tennis clubs to choose from smile it's also just a very nice part of the country IMO.

Badders123 Wed 19-Apr-17 10:35:38

God, Katy, are you me? 😀
My mums says the same!
I'm making myself ill with it all and yet she still relies on me for everything
She is away for 5 days this week - and yet I was still on the phone yesterday sorting out her meds with the dr and going to her house to put her rubbish him back after the refuse collection!

MoreElderlyParentWoes Wed 19-Apr-17 10:57:46

Hi, Badders!

The 'supporting elderly parents' thread has been a great source of support, ideas and virtual gin for me, although now that I've seen your most recent post I can see that, at 71, your mum isn't very elderly at all. Of course, it's not all about age and being widowed is a huge blow whenever it happens and demands a lot of readjustment, but I'm more and more convinced that becoming our parents' secretary/admin assistant/general organiser doesn't actually help them.

MoreElderlyParentWoes Wed 19-Apr-17 10:59:07

Obviously that should be virtual gin

katymac Wed 19-Apr-17 12:01:01

Thanks ouch I will look; any recommendations we are looking around Colchester/Halstead/witham but we are totally flexible as long as it has civilisation! (Our village has 300 odd houses a pub & a school)

I agree 3yrs ago my mum was very ill & my dad was diagnosed with cancer & I sort of took over.....i need to step back but the guilt is killing me hopefully leaving (even just the holiday) will break the status quo....maybe?

Badders123 Wed 19-Apr-17 12:09:05

I think you are right there!
After dad died I did EVERYTHING - she only had to sign the odd piece of paper.
She didn't have to speak to anyone, make phone calls, e mails, letters....
Ditto with the funeral
She and my siblings left everything to me
It's only really the past few months I've realised that I shouldered the burden of everything and that it could be the reason my health has deteriorated so much sad
I think dealing with the admin aftermath of bereavement is actually part of the grieving process and she didn't go through that or my siblings
I'm the sort of person that if people don't step up....I do.
I think some take advantage of that character flaw!
I'm trying to step back with the help of the lovely posters on the other thread 😀
I'm concerned though - she is getting more frail and her needs will only increase

Badders123 Wed 19-Apr-17 12:10:06

Katy...ah yes, the guilt!

I think you are being very sensible with your plans

katymac Wed 19-Apr-17 13:21:17

I am insisting on my brother helping her with the move

You just get in the habit of doing everything all the time (taking the cats to the vets, fixing the TV/computer, filling in forms - I did thewhole death thing too)

I shall not feel guilty

Wolfiefan Wed 19-Apr-17 13:25:55

No guilt.
You are your own person. You can't spend your life sorting out everything for everyone else.
I'd love a camper. Dog and I would take off and explore!

katymac Wed 19-Apr-17 15:10:04

I just thought to place myself halfway between them the I can do every other weekend like a shared custody thing you know one weekend DD & one weekend DM?

DH & I need some space from life right now

GooseberryJam Wed 19-Apr-17 15:18:25

Do it the 'nice' way and say, 'you know, you're so right that I have too much on my plate, I'm going to have to prioritise things very carefully from now on'. Lots of the things she wants you to do are either a) work a professional could do (kitchen floor) or b) she could do herself with some guidance (Facebook selling - get her to do a 'silver surfer' course and get a cheap camera).

katymac Wed 19-Apr-17 21:42:22

Apparently 'she'll cope' if I don't do it!

mrwalkensir Wed 19-Apr-17 21:58:45

I'm not round there anymore but there are some lovely people in Broomfield/North Chelmsford if you're thinking of moving. Think we're luckier in that the (very lovely) MIL has a lot of friends who are in a similar situation to her, so they advise each other

Oakmaiden Wed 19-Apr-17 22:00:32

I am glad to hear your sewing is going so well for you at the moment, Katymac!

katymac Wed 19-Apr-17 22:04:18

Thanks I have sort of set up a shape on rightmost & I search in that (not just yet though as I'd rather sell first)

The Sewing comes & goes in flurry but pays pennies!!

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