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Can a cheater change?

(11 Posts)
MauvaiseFemme Tue 18-Apr-17 20:54:11

Posting here to know it will disappear.

I have been with my husband for 12 years, we met very early 20s - I was still a student. When we met he had just finished with a girl he was with for about 3 years. He told me soon into the relationship that he had cheated on her a lot. All throughout uni with various women and then once he moved to the capital, very often at parties with his friends partaking in the sex. So, lots of threesomes and more. Once she was sleeping in the next room. He also visited a lot of sex clubs and parties.

At the time, I was shocked and didn't really like what I was hearing but I just put it to one side. I didn't want to seem prudish and he was just so at ease about it all that I didn't want to think too much about it.

When we'd been going out for about 3 years I found some photos on a computer of a weekend away he'd been on. There were photos of girls in their underwear on a beach at night - nothing too incriminating though. I asked him about it and he said that nothing had happened. Several months later he suddenly admitted that during this weekend he was going to sleep with someone but he didn't. He told me it was normal to be tempted but as he hadn't acted on it, it didn't matter. I admit we were really drunk when we told me so the details were a bit hazy the next day.

This was almost ten years ago but over the past 3-4 years there have been lots of weekends away with friends and after the most recent one, I came across an email exchange between him and a friend talking in intimate detail about a woman who my husband had seen naked in a sauna when skiing.

This discovery has suddenly made me lose all trust. Even though nothing happened and people will of course look at other people - it is normal I know. It just made me feel suddenly so worthless and wonder what the fuck has my husband been up to for the whole of our relationship. I am pregnant at the moment so my body confidence is pretty much 0 and we hardly ever have sex.

I just don't know if I can trust him. I did raise the subject a week or so ago and said that I felt unattractive due to being pregnant. I said that I was worried about trust but as I have absolutely no proof of anything - I just sounded overly emotional. He said he can't be blamed for his past and things he did in his 20s.

Can someone with this kind of track record change? I feel like I am going mad at the moment.

Sorry for rambly post.

MauvaiseFemme Tue 18-Apr-17 21:26:50


April229 Tue 18-Apr-17 22:07:00

sounds stressful OP, for what it's worth even though you don't have any hard evidence, there seems to be quite a few things you've mentioned that would make anyone feel mistrustful.

Could you find a time to talk to him, explaining how much more critical your relationship is about to become with the baby on the way and how much more you will need to count on each other.

You could sum up the things you've mentioned here and explain how it makes you feel - it doesn't have to be all out adultery to be unacceptable in a marriage, especially if you are not comfortable with it. Talk to him about the marriage you want and what's important to you, if nothing else this sets some really clear ground rules. Ask him how he would feel if it was the other way round?

See his reaction and take it from there?

MauvaiseFemme Tue 18-Apr-17 22:48:17

Thanks for replying. I suppose an honest heart to heart is probably a good idea. He gets quite defensive though and doesn't seem willing to discuss this kind of thing with me. Will try to find a good moment.

Gaggleofgirls Tue 18-Apr-17 22:53:44

I think people can change or at least change their way of thinking.

My DH doesn't really know the half of my past encounters and I wouldn't want him to.
I love him completely and totally and in the 11 years we've been together I haven't had eyes for anyone else.
I have quite consciously changed and won't be going back regardless of what temptations may come into play in future.

MauvaiseFemme Wed 19-Apr-17 06:18:57

Thanks for your insight gaggle. I guess my issue is that I feel he has / does have eyes for other people. I probably need to work my own self esteem a bit.

Bordersarethebest Wed 19-Apr-17 08:27:29

Like PP I had a past that DH roughly knows about but it is past and stays there. I love DH. I didn't really love

A good friend has been with her DP for 20 years and they joked that they'd both always cheated until they met each other. They've still managed to stay faithful for 20 years.

So yes, people can change.

However, they don't go for lots of weekends away without each other. There are dads' weekends away but they tend to revolve around sport like rugby or sailing - no women involved.

Fact is only you know your DH. Yes. Cheaters can change. He may well not have strayed when his friends did. But why does he still want to go along on that type of weekend?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Wed 19-Apr-17 08:31:55

It doesnt sound good. If it was just about him describing chearing on his ex then thats different, but you're talking about a string of weekends aways that sound the same recently. Thats not even pretending to chNge behaviour! Why is he still going on these holidays?!

MauvaiseFemme Wed 19-Apr-17 10:15:22

He goes away with his friends to see them - we live abroad. There is always a lot of drink (and sometimes drugs) involved.

I feel like he told me about his past because I am different, much more open than his ex. But now we have lost the closeness in our relationship that we had previously, i can't help but doubt him. In all honesty, I don't think he'd have an affair. But I do think he'd have a one night stand.

I suppose I need to decide whether I can believe him or not. And maybe have another go at talking to him about my feelings. When I tried last time he rolled his eyes and said it was normal we don't have sex as I am pregnant. Just after seeing the email about this woman's perfect body, I have to admit that I felt so rejected.

user1471451259 Thu 20-Apr-17 03:43:56

It would be normal for a man to look at a woman with a perfect body and think to himself "she's got a good body". It would even be normal forbid to come out of the sauna and say to friend who had been in sauna with him "wow, that lady had a good body" (or words to that effect). But still to be droning on about it in emails after the event? Nah. That's strange. I wouldn't trust your DP from what you have written.


SpookyPotato Thu 20-Apr-17 09:11:02

I usually think the past should stay in the past, but reading his sexual history makes him sound uncontrollable, like he could never resist temptation. He might not have cheated on you but it sounds like his eyes are still wandering, actively seeking out new women to look at. It's just so sleezy to be discussing a strangers looks in an email and dissecting it.. most people would look and then forget about it. It's weird that he's still thinking about it. I wouldn't be feeling secure right now, or ever probably.

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