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Would you loan her money?

(38 Posts)
kitkat321 Sun 16-Apr-17 23:12:57

The her in question is my mother and while I'd expect most people to say yes here's a bit of context.

My mum has barely worked a day in her life and has never worked since I was born 36 years ago.

She was diagnosed with arthritis when I was young and put on incapacity benefits.

Despite her arthritis (which never developed to the extent initially expected) she was a very active housewife - cooking, cleaning, ironing etc.

Over the years she's developed what I think is a sense of entitlement about her benefits and has never made any effort to seek suitable employment. She and my dad lived way beyond their means when we were growing up resulting in our family home being repossessed when I was 17 - we had to split up and stay with relatives while waiting for a council house.

Even after this they didn't learn - enjoying annual cruises and holidays abroad on my dads low income and her benefits. Her view is you can't take it with you so she had no savings whatsoever and my gran for some reason continues to bank roll here lifestyle which while not lavish is beyond her means.

She's decided she needs a new sofa as apparently my dd who she looks after 2 days a week has ruined it (it's not broken just grubby).

Do I give her the money? On one hand she is a great help with childcare and although we give her £100 a month it's more to cover costs of dds food and nappies (dd goes to her house).

On the other I'm fuming that she thinks she can always just fall back on someone else to pay for something for her - her benefits have now been stopped due to changes to eligibility and she's focusing all her efforts on appealing this and won't even entertain the possibility of employment and actually makes a point of only applying for jobs she know she won't get in order to get her job seekers allowance (all the while continuing to live beyond her means)!

I have a good salary and could lend her the money but I work bloody hard for it - I worked 2 jobs and took out student loans to get through uni and have worked continually since I was 15 - luckily I have a better work ethic than her!

Bordersarethebest Mon 17-Apr-17 08:43:06

Mmm. I can see why it's annoying but you are getting 2 days free childcare a week.

Not sure what it costs now but when DS was little 15 years ago that was £300 a month. I'm sure it's a lot more now.

Willow2017 Mon 17-Apr-17 09:30:39

You will not be 'loaning' her the money. You know you will never see it again. A new sofa is a lot of money can you afford to lose it? Why don't you offer to clean the sofa for her much cheaper.

silkpyjamasallday Mon 17-Apr-17 10:39:53

Nope I wouldn't loan her the money as it wouldn't be a loan. It is pretty clear from your OP that she is the sort of person who expects people to stump up the cash for things she wants and that will never end if you give in and get a new sofa for her. If your dd is still little surely the new one would also get 'ruined' if she is there two days a week.

DP has made the mistake of 'loaning' his family money and only now has he realised that he isn't going to get any of the money back (which I could have told him from the off, but didn't want to shit all over his family and gave them the benefit of the doubt initially), it is over £20k now all paid in smaller amounts for 'emergencies', covering rent/mortgage/bills, as well as treats, new phones, clothes and Christmas stuff. But we now have the expectation that we will pay for everything all the time, and now the requests for paying for holidays have started rolling in he has finally realised that they are royally taking the piss. They all live far more extravagantly than us despite having no where near the means to do so, they have to learn that they can't just get him to pay for stuff. I can't help wondering how they think it is ok to take from a young family with a baby when they have all had decades to sort their own shit out and adjust to a lifestyle they can afford. MIL used to call it 'Champagne tastes and Pepsi pockets'

Say no, offer to have it professionally cleaned maybe, no one needs a new sofa, your mum is just pushing the boundaries. People like her actually boil my piss, I wouldn't have any respect left for a parent who try's to take advantage of their own child financially, it's disgusting.

AlternativeTentacle Mon 17-Apr-17 10:41:47

Could you not just pay her for looking after your daughter?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 17-Apr-17 10:43:59

Offer to have it cleaned and buy her some throws.
Chancer. . But you already know that!!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 17-Apr-17 10:44:18

I understand that it is a frustrating situation, but I think any moral high ground is diminished by the fact you use her for free childcare. Have the sofa cleaned and pay her for her time!

insancerre Mon 17-Apr-17 10:45:12

If you can afford them buy her a new sofa
If you can't or don't want to them don't give her any money
But she is saving you lots of money on childcare

GotToGetMyFingerOut Mon 17-Apr-17 10:46:43

Well childcare here would be forty quid a day here. Times that by two then by 46 (guessing you have 6 weeks holiday) is 3680. So she's saving you alot of childcare expenses. I'd be inclined to not get all the past etc mixed up with this issue. Your daughters made her couch grubby because she watches her two days a week saving you cash.

GriefLeavesItsMark Mon 17-Apr-17 10:48:56

Why don't you employ her to look after your daughter (if she is providing 2 days childcare your childcare costs are being subsidised by her benefits). By paying her she comes off JSA and will have money for a new sofa, and have something to put on her cv.

BrieAndChilli Mon 17-Apr-17 10:51:07

How old is your child? If she's still young I would say that you will buy a new sofa in x years time once there's less chance of the new one being ruined!!
Otherwise she will buy a new sofa and then will expect you to stump up for a new one every time your DD gets something on it.

If she's looking after the child for free I would pay her something, she can then decide what she spends that on.

HowSmug Mon 17-Apr-17 10:59:04

Tricky as you are getting free childcare. Perhaps you could start paying her. £100 is nothing!

outmyhair Mon 17-Apr-17 11:01:29

she does sound entitled and normally I would say no to enabling that, but you do get free child care from her. I would look into how much it would cost to have the sofa cleaned, but wouldn't stretch to a new one.

ohforfoxsake Mon 17-Apr-17 11:03:06

I'd buy her a new sofa (reasonably priced) and have it scotchguarded. But I've never had the benefit of family caring for my DCs.

ZaziesPaws Mon 17-Apr-17 11:03:30

Complex one.

Never lend family or friends money. Causes problems. But if someone is stuck, give them as much as you can afford to.

I think you probably need some counselling about your childhood, you sound like you have a lot of unresolved issues, especially round homelessness. (My dad made me homeless through recklessness, it's a mindfuck).

Given the circumstances you describe, I would find it easier in your position to think of your mother's attitude as being a product of a different time, instead of getting into all the rights and wrongs of it. It is what it is. People only change if they want to.

You are getting free childcare. She is doing you a solid in that sense. You do rely on her and if you fall out you do have something to lose.
You could pay her for that. Or you could view buying a sofa as a very good deal for that.

Incidentally, she can get national insurance credits for looking after your kids if you don't pay her, which will build up her retirement pension. childcare national insurance credit. It's really underclaimed.

Orangepear Mon 17-Apr-17 12:16:04

Why can't the sofa just be cleaned? Has she actually asked to borrow money? How much? We have two matching sofas, one was £50 on Gumtree and the other was 99p on eBay. They have washable covers, job's a good'un.

SillySongsWithLarry Mon 17-Apr-17 12:23:11

I wouldn't recommend buying a new sofa with a toddler around. Toddlers destroy furniture. Fact.

That said I think you are taking advantage of the free childcare. My mum looks after my children in the school holidays and I pay her £200 a week. It's the same as I would pay for holiday club but it covers days out, their meals etc. No way would I have such a regular arrangement with no money swapping hands.

Howlandbreathe Mon 17-Apr-17 12:26:04

No. Offer to pay for it to be professionally cleaned.

See what response you get then

HecateAntaia Mon 17-Apr-17 12:28:34

id say no to the loan but pay her the going rate for childcare.
i would also offer to pay to clean furniture made dirty by my child and buy a set of sofa covers for future use.

if she isnt happy with that - i would find alternative childcare.

Allthebestnamesareused Mon 17-Apr-17 12:31:49

Oh the irony!

She is "entitled" but you expect/get free child care!

Waitingonasmile Mon 17-Apr-17 12:34:37

I can see why her attitude annoys you, but you can't really expect her to get a job and expect her to provide childcare. Surely if she works tge childcare arrangement will end? I agree with previous posters and you should pay her more for childcare. £80 a week for childcare and she could come off JSA.

Floralnomad Mon 17-Apr-17 12:35:00

NO I wouldn't loan her money but then I wouldn't use her for cheap childcare either . Btw your OP sounds like you really don't like her very much so why is she looking after your child .

metalmum15 Mon 17-Apr-17 12:44:34

Tricky one.

I wouldn't buy her a new sofa, because once you do she'll be on to the next thing. 'Oh, dgd has broken my tv/bed/dining table - you need to buy me a new one.' She sounds like she has a sense of entitlement and she'll push that as far as she can. Perhaps you can pay for it to be cleaned and then buy her a nice washable throw to use when your daughter is there?

BattleaxeGalactica Mon 17-Apr-17 13:18:21

How long has she looked after your dd?

If it's a while the savings you've made calculating at a conservative £30/40 per day are probably more than the cost of a new sofa. Try offering a professional clean first but unless she's after a top end designer model, I'd just suck it up while being prepared to draw a line if more requests for replacement goodies follow.

beargrass Mon 17-Apr-17 13:28:39

If you can afford to give it away, loan well give) her the money but also either:

- Offer to pay for the childcare she's providing from now on (do you make sure she doesn't have to pay for trips out/food etc?). Or;

- Find professional childcare, thus putting an end to requests for loans where free childcare-related guilt can play a part.

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