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Infatuated with boss

(18 Posts)
quickchick Wed 12-Apr-17 23:41:12

NC for advice. Have read previous threads and they have not gone well to say the least... so I am bracing myself for a kicking and at the same time need this thread to disappear.

I am unhappily married and trapped in a rollercoaster hell. Started new job and find myself unexpectedly infatuated with my boss. Changing job is not a realistic option.

I don't know if the feeling will pass. He is not available. I've read the standard advice and I've tried to focus on negatives about him etc but can't help the feeling right now. Really stuck as he is an all round good guy and I am so badly missing that. (I know...) I love the job and don't want to jeapordise it but have to work very closely with my boss which makes it difficult to handle. I am enjoying the crush on one level but more recently it's becoming painful and unsustainable.

I want to be able to turn a corner and think 'what the hell was I thinking?!' But no idea how or even if I can get there...

mainlywingingit Wed 12-Apr-17 23:50:57

It's most likely the fantasising is because of what is missing so much at home.

Fix your home situation if you are unhappy and don't break up a marriage if he is married/has children.

You will find the right love if you resolve your current home situation. Good luck - remember the fantasy is totally exaggerating the 'love' feeling... it's a slight illusion

Asmoto Thu 13-Apr-17 00:06:35

You have to stop feeding the crush altogether - which includes not posting about it on forums, not talking about it to friends, not doing the whole 'mentionitis' thing. Every time you start thinking about him, you have to stop and think about something (anything) else. If it's possible to put distance between you (I appreciate this might be difficult if he is your boss) then do so. If you keep a diary, stop writing about him, and resist anything along the lines of researching anything he mentions he's interested in. The only way to deal with this sort of thing is to carry on, as far as possible, as if the person doesn't exist.

I post in the full knowledge that the above are nigh on impossible to do, and the only things that really cures crushes like this are: 'out of sight/out of mind'; if the person does something really awful to you; or if you admit your feelings and make an idiot of yourself.

Asmoto Thu 13-Apr-17 00:07:44

^apologies for grammatical lapses above, I've been on the wine

quickchick Thu 13-Apr-17 00:16:33

Thank you, I need this reminder. It's so hard because I feel a chemistry but don't know if it's real. And really, that cannot matter. I certainly don't want to break up his relationship based on a fleeting feeling. My own relationship is dead. I'm trying to inject a dose of realism in myself, as I wouldn't want to be with someone who would cheat. But I want him so much.

quickchick Thu 13-Apr-17 00:20:28

Yikes, my post was to mainlywingingit. Asmoto, your post is frightening as we have to travel together and so out of sight/out of mind is indeed impossible. But I fully understand the advice. It's a tough medicine to take.

Asmoto Thu 13-Apr-17 00:36:55

quickchick I've been there and got burnt (made a complete and utter idiot of myself sad ).

I wish I could have taken my own advice - even though I was trying to tell myself all the things I've said to you, I couldn't stop obsessing. It is very difficult, but it will pass - there will come a time when no longer seems important and 'he' holds no attraction for you whatsoever - I hope that, for you, it's a painless transition flowers

Asmoto Thu 13-Apr-17 00:41:23

"I want him so much" was a phrase that was constantly in my head, too. It is a powerful physical and mental yearning - it's only once you're on the other side of it that you realise how 'false' it really is. Do protect yourself, OP, and at all costs preserve your dignity and self respect. I hope you can get through this.

AprilSkies44 Thu 13-Apr-17 01:00:58

ok. i need to just say there is another option and another side to this.

is the crush totally one sided firstly? if so - forget it now. find something else to occupy your time.

the other option. if you feel its reciprocal. you tell him.
i had been with dh for 25 years. he had been with dw 20. no one was happy. now i think we are, im still good friends with dh. he is still friends with his ex dw.
we live together and are trying for a baby. (unlikely but not the point) i still get a funny tummy when i look at him. we are at it like a couple of honeymooners 2 and 1/2 years later. its not all plain sailing and we are very different. its taking time to get to know each other properly. its not been plain sailing and i find it difficult but i love him and its worth it.

this wasnt like me at all. i totally went on my gut feeling, rightly or wrongly. it wasnt a crush.

quickchick Thu 13-Apr-17 05:40:31

Thanks AprilSkies. I don't know if it's reciprocated. It's possible. I'm trying to work it out but the 'signs' could be general friendliness and the 'chemistry' may be in my head.

I have children, he doesn't. If we didn't work together, I would tell him.

quickchick Thu 13-Apr-17 05:44:31

Asmoto, I'm sorry to hear it went badly for you. The loss of dignity would hurt doubly as that is something my current H is trying to strip from me. That's a separate issue though, H doesn't know about the crush.

I feel like I'm at school and about to make a fool of myself by asking out a popular older guy... must resist!!!

ecuse Thu 13-Apr-17 05:49:46

How are you addressing the issues with your unhappy marriage? Seems like that might he a welcome distraction?

quickchick Thu 13-Apr-17 06:32:56

I'm not addressing my marriage at all, trapped in an EA situation.

quickchick Thu 13-Apr-17 06:34:25

Marriage has been an issue for a while, but I've never displaced with a crush before. So from my side at least it might be real.

mainlywingingit Fri 14-Apr-17 10:23:58

I feel like I'm at school and about to make a fool of myself by asking out a popular older guy... must resist!!!

You seem blasé OP about him being married. Asking him out?? He is married. Don't be a dick. Don't be that women.
It's nasty to break up a marriage or even consider it.

Wauden Fri 14-Apr-17 11:20:47

I wonder whether a bit of this is due to the common fancying boss/gym teacher/authority figure feeling?

You like your job and you say that changing it is not an option. I'd be worried to do anything that would jeopardise this. Say if you were sleeping together and working together and working together, and on top of this he is your boss, that leads to all sorts of problems.

Or maybe you leave your job and it all works out for you. Just flagging up that its near impossible to sleep with a boss and be his, let's face it, subordinate.

quickchick Fri 14-Apr-17 19:26:57

I won't be asking him out, no way. I just meant it's the same feeling.

I wish he was single and made the first move. But looks like that will have to stay a fantasy.

AprilSkies44 Fri 14-Apr-17 19:37:04

my dp was my boss. we managed for around 18 months before one of us moved. it worked out for us.

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