should I end it?(36 Posts)
Please be gentle with me.... I've been married 25 years, 20 of them fairly happy. Big family and some DC have SEN. Have recently made a big change in my life, finally doing something just for me, and have been coming to realise that my DH is not so "D" after all. For example, he has deliberately kept me short of money and taken money from me over the years. I have finally persuaded him to consider moving somewhere I've really wanted to live for years, we've put an offer in on a house and he's deliberately applied for a job in a totally different area that won't be commutable, so the house move won't happen. My needs have always come second to his, every move, every big decision has been his and I've gone along with it. I supported us when he took a year off for an illness I now think he was exaggerating, so it's not as though I haven't pulled my weight. He will no longer sleep with me because I can't conceive now (too old) and our sex life was always centred round his pleasure, which he said was because he had issues. I tried to understand him. He has no interest in our home so refuses to decorate and does very little cleaning. The children love him but he rarely does anything with them. However he is in many ways kind and I struggle to explain this but we get along as friends very well. To the outside world we look perfect. Except that I know he doesn't consider me at all. He tells me he thinks he has ADD and autism. I think that's an excuse and he is becoming more selfish as he ages. I have literally no idea what to do. The children and our extended family would be devastated if I broke this marriage up. It goes against our religious beliefs and there's such a long history between us. My DH is inoffensive and can be supportive in his way, he's funny and as the father of my children I will always be fond of him. But he does this weird thing of being outwardly supportive and then sabotaging me and I don't want to live like it. But I'm terrified that the children would hate me for wrecking their family and no-one else would understand, because no-one can see. He seems so good to me, to everyone else. I am so frightened of starting again, I have literally no idea how to begin but most of all I'm frightened of losing the love of the children. I expect I haven't explained it very well, but advice would be so appreciated. Thank you.
You won't lose the love of your children. I think you know that you'll be miserable if you continue on in this way.
Do you think counselling is worth a shot?
It's a tough one. Have you tried telling him how you feel? Like PP said would counselling work?
I don't think you'll loose the love of your children.
It's a horrid situation for you to be in. Sorry I can't offer any more advice but didn't want to read and run. X
How kind of you both to reply, thank you so much. I have thought about counselling, yes, and perhaps that's the way to go.
You know, you are important too. Sometimes you should get what you want. If you have explored this with him, maybe through joint counselling, or on your own if he won't, and he won't stop being selfish, personally, I would seriously consider leaving. I was quite suprised when my abusive XH and I divorced. Other members of his church had apparently noticed some of his 'issues' and were not apparently suprised that I divorced him. So it maybe wouldn't be as much as a shock as you think to your church community, should it come to that. x
He won't sleep with you because you're too old to conceive? Is this something to do with his religious beliefs? How many children to you have? OP?
We have 13 children. He has been very difficult with me, sexually. When I have been pregnant and maybe not wanted sex he has been sulky and angry, sometimes going ahead when I wasn't happy about it, but now he withholds sex from me. I don't understand. He says I'm not attractive to him anymore. But I feel it may be a control thing. We are Catholic, I would be condemned for leaving, but I'm not happy. I've tried many times to talk to him and he gets upset and says he will change but he doesn't.
He's an odd mixture, no-one is all bad and I feel awful being so negative about him. In some ways he has been very good to me. Sorry to ramble.
When I have been pregnant and maybe not wanted sex he has been sulky and angry, sometimes going ahead when I wasn't happy about it
As in, raping you?!
If you're so unhappy that you're considering going against your religion that you seem to take very seriously then I would suggest that is your answer.
I feel for you, this man is clearly controlling and cares only about self gratification. Having sex with a pregnant woman without consent is no just the act of a vile human being. It is also rape.
Your children will understand, you don't deserve this
OP, I'm Catholic and you wouldn't be condemned. It happens. Would you go and talk this through with your priest, if religion is playing a key role in your decision making?
Even if you go to confession to discuss it (although I don't think you have committed any sin).
Being RC doesn't excuse many of the things you've said. The church teaches love and respect.
I should add, if it makes you feel any better, my husband is not the father of my children, yet I am welcome in church, not shunned.
I would be very ashamed to discuss it to be honest. I didn't think of it as rape, I just felt disregarded. I can't tell the children about it and as far as they're concerned he's a good man. I've always gone along with everything, they have no reason to think I wasn't happy. I don't want to let them down by breaking up their home. But yes, he is selfish. The control is subtle but it's there and now having something else in my life just for me has shown me that I'm a person too. I can't go back from waking up. Thank you for your kindness in listening.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame just serves to keep you in a bad situation.
It sounds like counselling, alone, would be a good idea. Maybe give Marriage Care a try. They are a RC organisation but don't push the religious side. They'll understand your faith though. There isn't a set fee, they just ask for a contribution in a sealed envelope, so you just give what you can afford.
I didn't think of it as rape I'm sorry, but thats exactly what it was OP. All part of thd control you are already aware of
Get out, get your life back. You deserve better than this.
He is sexually abusive.
He is financially abusive.
He disregards your wants and dreams and disrespects you.
You count OP. You deserve to be with someone (if you choose to be with anyone) who treats you thoughtfully and considerately.
Your children will still love you. Your reasons for wanting to leave are extremely serious and valid.
Thank you @TheCakes, that's extremely helpful.
Thank you all for listening, it's a huge relief to have put this in words at last. I'm very frightened for the future so I'm going to take this slowly. I wasn't quite a surrendered wife, but we were part of the Quiverfull mindset/movement and coming away from that lifestyle is very hard. It was my fault, I thought I was doing the right thing.
It sounds to me like you've the kind of generous person who has put the needs of your family first your whole life and perhaps not really considered what you want out of life. Now that you're starting to think more about your needs, it's only natural that your husband is going to start feeling a bit insecure about this.
I wouldn't make any rash decisions. Counselling probably is a good idea to help you get through this and perhaps taking some time away from your marriage to spend by yourself and work through what it is you want. Maybe go and stay with a friend for a couple of weeks, or go on a holiday on your own? You don't need to tell your husband why you're doing this.
It is scary and you're bound to worry about what everybody will think but please remember that however much of a cliche it sounds you only get one life. Don't leave it too late and have regrets. Your life might not be better if you leave your husband...but it is guaranteed to be different and it sounds like a change is what you're craving.
If you google " passive aggressive husband " you will find some information that might make sense of how he acts.
E.g. With holding sex as a punishment, outward supportive but subtly undermining you, saying you can get the house you want but then sabotaging it
Is he very concerned about his public image and how he appears to friends / family / neighbours / people in your church ?
Will he spend time helping others but not you and the children ?
BTW I don't mean " read about this so you can understand and fix him".
I mean " read this and see if it rings any bells. You are not crazy or imagining it. And this is why it's so hard to live with and ultimately destroys marriages " .
Oh my goodness. @Olive that's him That's him to a tee. All the little ways of obstructing me without ever saying no.
"Forgetting" things, saying yes but meaning no, sabotaging, exaggerating illness, withholding, being outwardly supportive and encouraging me then wrecking what I tried to do, agreeing to things that were important to me and then never getting round to them. And I felt sorry for him because he had been so misunderstood as a child. 25 years though, how do I walk away from that? I see it, but how on earth do this?
There's no easy way to do it. It will be very hard at first.
But do you think its better than the alternative - living in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life ?
I need to believe that I deserve something better. Thank you @Olive &co, I've taken enough of your valuable time and you've been so generous. Counselling next I think. How kind you've all been, thank you so much.
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