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AIBU....

(37 Posts)
Me916 Wed 12-Apr-17 22:42:45

....to hate the woman who deliberately destroyed our family? Obviously he is to blame too but she knew we were together but was so desperate for a baby (body clock ticking) that she chose to believe I was lying when I told her we were together and happy. Within a week or so she was pregnant with his child. She's been hanging on and popping up for 15 years! She should have stayed away. Yes, he should have stayed away from her too. He has now left and I think she lives with him (although they don't seem to spend much time together!) He is still very flirty and affectionate with me and says he misses me all of the time. I keep the boundaries. I won't be the OW, not out of any compasssion for her, but because it would completely screw my head up and I can't have that happen!
My children want nothing to do with her and don't mention the baby (due this month) They maintain a good ish relationship with their father because I have encouraged and enabled it. But they still really struggle with the situation.
I despise her! I'm not someone who hates people. But I hate her so much.
I know I'm probably far better off without him and one day I'm sure I'll be glad he's gone. But he didn't want to leave. He got himself trapped and they destroyed what we had. He still says the choice was taken away from him, that he doesn't love her etc etc but that he thought the child should have a father around....well, I have so many things to say to that!! And I have.
She is the only person who is happy in all of this. She's got what she wanted, a baby, him, a nice home. Everyone else is hurting, struggling. Why should she be happy?

kingscrossnoodle Wed 12-Apr-17 22:44:09

YABU. You seem to have serious issues with 'her'

HE was the one in a relationship

Wolfiefan Wed 12-Apr-17 22:45:58

He got himself trapped? No he's a cheating bastard. She's gone from the other woman to the girlfriend. That just creates a vacancy. She won't be happy with this arsehole.
Don't blame her. He's the one who cheated on you.

AssassinatedBeauty Wed 12-Apr-17 22:47:54

YABU, sorry, because I can tell how hurt you are by all this. But it is your ex partners fault entirely. If you were genuinely happy together then there would have been nothing this woman could have done to persuade him to cheat on you.

PurpleDaisies Wed 12-Apr-17 22:48:34

Hating her gets you nothing except anger and bitterness. I can understand why you feel as you do but maintaining hatred is draining and isn't worth your energy. I'd aim for indifference.

You're kidding yourself if you think your ex didn't want to leave.

Me916 Wed 12-Apr-17 22:49:17

I do have serious issues with her! And him!

She has been chasing a man who was in a serious relationship for 15 years! And she knew that!

Believe me, I have major issues with him too! That's why he isn't here any more!

AssassinatedBeauty Wed 12-Apr-17 22:50:58

But she would have got nowhere at all if your ex wasn't interested in cheating. If not her it could easily have been someone else.

ThreeFish Wed 12-Apr-17 22:54:39

He did want to leave, and he did.
It's as much his fault as hers.

And he's still flirty and affectionate with you because he can see he can have his cake and eat it, if he plays you right. Don't go there.

Within a week she was pregnant? Nah, I'm not believing that. He has strung her along for 15 years. And now he is setting you up for that secondary role.

I'm sorry for your hurt OP. Keep the high ground.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Wed 12-Apr-17 22:56:50

If he was a good and loving husband it wouldnt have made a difference. She also wouldnt have been lingering for 15 years as it would have been clear she would get nowhere. So most likely he has been throwing her crumbs for years.

You are well rid

Me916 Wed 12-Apr-17 22:58:13

Yes, I understand that but it wasn't someone else. It was that she kept popping up to 'check' if he was single but still had an affair with him knowing he wasn't!
Yes, he is to blame but why is she blameless?
I understand that nobody here knows the full background....it's so long and my brain can't cope with typing it all.
I probably shouldn't have posted.

Me916 Wed 12-Apr-17 23:00:01

Yes, he probably is setting me up for the secondary role but he won't get anywhere and I've been clear about that!
I won't for my sake and for my children's sake. We have been hurt enough...

Me916 Wed 12-Apr-17 23:01:01

And yes, I agree, he has strung her along, but she could have walked away too...

thecatfromjapan Wed 12-Apr-17 23:02:06

You can post. It's late and I'm guessing it's all going round in your head.

He's a creep. Nice people do not do what he did.

And he will have been a creep in other ways, subtly eroding you and your life - you just can't see it yet. He's a poison that's gone from your life. You'll know you're healing the day you wake up feeling glad he's not in your life any more.

Me916 Wed 12-Apr-17 23:02:20

And sadly it was within a week or so....

Deadsouls Wed 12-Apr-17 23:02:43

YANBU for feeling anger and hatred. I'd probably have feelings of hate too.

BUT....
You assume that she is happy. Do you really know that?

Ex-DH says that he had no 'choice', he got himself 'trapped' but that is bullshit. He made the choice again and again and again over 15 years, to presumably sleep with her.
How did she get pregnant? Why was he sleeping with her in the first place? What about contraception? He didn't get trapped, he did have a choice.
And you say this OW has been around popping up for 15 years or so. People don't just pop up. He engaged with her.
He's saying those things to try and make you feel better. TBH he sounds like an emotional coward and a weak man. They both had a choice. But it was two way, it wasn't just her.
You say he is affectionate and flirty, does that mean you're on friendly terms?

PinkHeart59156816 Wed 12-Apr-17 23:03:17

Yes she was wrong to shag someone she knew was in a relationship, I mean it's a nasty thing to do and no excuse for it at all. She is far from blameless!

BUT he was the one that was meant to have respect and love for you and he clearly didn't.

You can't "steal" someone that doesn't want to be stolen.

Nobody makes anyone cheat, these things don't just happen we always have a choice of if we want to cheat and shag someone else or not

thecatfromjapan Wed 12-Apr-17 23:04:57

Really, the world is full of interesting things and wonderful people. You may not believe this yet but you are now free to go and swim in all the positive things in the world. Once you stop looking back, at this, you can start looking around you.

He's hurt you very badly. It'll take time to get over it. But you are so much better with someone so destructive and untrustworthy in your life. It's like a stone, tied to your foot, when you have your life intertwined with someone like that.

HecateAntaia Wed 12-Apr-17 23:04:58

she is not blameless. she made shitty choices.
but he made the choice to shit all over your relationship.
she was crap to a stranger
he shit all over someone he claimed to love.

i know who the bigger bastard is.

but its perfectly possible to hate the pair of them.

its not like you have to choose which one to hate.

so yanbu to hate her. you are entitled to your feelings.

but you really should also remember that it washim who deliberately destroyed your family.

she offered.
he accepted.

without his choice to shit all over you, she could have done nothing that would affect your family.

Deadsouls Wed 12-Apr-17 23:05:05

No she is not 'blameless', they both participated, they both engaged and they both made choices that had consequences. They created this situation together. Yes it is manipulative of her. But he is equally to blame, he had a family. What was he doing anyway?

Me916 Wed 12-Apr-17 23:05:23

I do see what he's done to me and in lots of ways I'm glad he's gone.

Itaintme Wed 12-Apr-17 23:05:37

I would feel the same.It's ok for you to rent on here.Don't feel like you shouldn't have posted.

AssassinatedBeauty Wed 12-Apr-17 23:06:18

She could have walked away, but that wouldn't have changed your ex partner's desire to cheat, sadly. He'd have found someone else.

This woman is clearly not a nice person and is totally in the wrong for sniffing round your ex for all that time. But she wasn't the cause of your relationship problems, that is entirely your ex's responsibility. If he wasn't interested in cheating she'd have got nowhere and given it up long ago.

I very much doubt she'll actually be happy, given her behaviour to date.

Deadsouls Wed 12-Apr-17 23:08:14

OP it's okay to have a 'moment' or several hundred 'moments' of feeling hurt, upset and betrayed. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
He is a liar, a cheat and seemingly incapable of emotional honesty. Would you still want to be with a man like that?

SparkleGoldGlitter Wed 12-Apr-17 23:09:22

She is far from blameless, she went after someone knowing they were in a relationship and that's fucking low imo and she should be ashamed of what she done. Hardly a class act! No excuse at all for behaving that way!

He was meant to love you and well sorry to be blunt but he didn't. Unless she had a gun to his head he had a choice to cheat or not and his choice was to jump in to bed with her.

They are both fucking low individuals and I know your be hurting right now but in time you will be glad your shot of him

Me916 Wed 12-Apr-17 23:10:37

Yep, I do hear and agree with what you are all saying. I do hate what he has done to us. I really hate it. I certainly am not saying she is more to blame.
This is all so hard and hurts so much. I've been so strong and I've kept going for my children, kept them going, made sure they are ok but I feel like I'm breaking morevand more each day.

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